This could be a long one... but i finally think I'm ready to return as a active member of the site so maybe I have some explaining to do??

Ok so if you look and my previous blogs I wrote one about how I went and seen JYJ live in Vancouver in 2011... my life went horribly down hill after that amazing night  when i returned home to my city after spending the weekend in vancouver my mom and step dad picked me up at the airport... I noticed right away something was weird and then when we got home my mom told me she was leaving for a few days to help a girl friend of hers move and I got mad because I missed my mom and it seemed like she didn't care and wanted to leave as soon as I got home... I was immature and i fought with her... I angrily went down to my room and told her I hated her and refused to talk to her that whole night and the next morning when I woke up my mom was gone... and she has never come back home since then and that was almost 3 years ago... she basically abandoned me...

She did eventually tell me the truth of where she was staying (with some guy) but never once did she offer to bring me with her... She left me and it really affected me, My parents divorced when I was 2 yrs old and when my dad got remarried when I was 9 he didn't want anything to do with me anymore so all I had was my mom.. she really was everything to me so to have her walk out on me even though I was 17 at the time made me feel so alone and unwanted.

Everything changed after that.. in high school my decent grades became so bad I barely managed to graduate on time.. I became really depressed and even started cutting myself I always felt like I was pretending because my friends didn't notice the change in me and then soon that just made me even more depressed because I thought there was no way I was that good of an actor and they just didn't care... I even considered dropping out of high school because my step dad wanted me to pay rent to continue to live with him and only working on the weekends didn't give me enough money to pay him...

I stopped wanting to write and so I left the site... well not completely I still logged on to read stories sometimes... and maybe even comment but I became inactive as an author and I never really told anyone why I just kind of stopped updating all my stories... stopped answering messages and comments... and for that I am sorry...

It has taken me almost 3 years to kind of accept what has happened... to some people it might not seem like this is a big deal and some people have it worse and I know that... but this was not something I could easily handle and even now.. I still suffer with extreme depression. I have days where I'm so unhappy with where my life went that I just want to kill myself because it doesn't seem like it will ever get any better... But then I remeber I have had good things happen too... despite everything I went to Japan in grade 12 as an exchange student (which was a dream of mine) I really think my Japanese host family helped me... I rarely ever had days of depression well I was with them... and of course SHINee their music has saved me so many times... when I've wanted to hurt myself listening to SHINee pulls me back from when my head gets out of control and I am no longr thinking clearly.... and even though I am not his kid my step dad still lets me live with him even though my mom left him...

anywyas this blog isn't supposed to be about that... The point is I am now considering comming back as a writer... I don't know if I want to continue my old stories or not yet.... It's hard for me to even go back and look at them because I remember writing them... and the me who wrote them if so different from the me I am now.. (if that makes sense) the old me was just so naive about everything I kind of just want to delete them and start over new but then those stories had people that wanted to read them and i feel obligated to at least try to finish them... aahh... I don't know what to do yet...
 

I guess i should end this here if you actually read this than thanks :) please look forward to a story from me in the near future ( and maybe an update on a old one as well... who knows)

------AsianMusicQueen