What more do I need?
 

~~*~~

So lately I've been pretty down. Yes, I've smiled and I've been happy, but it doesn't mean that when I'm by myself I feel good. I really don't feel good. I fear my reflection as any other normal teen, I hate my voice, I hate everything about myself and I cannot take it when people compliments me, because somehow it really doens't make any difference. I still don't feel happy...

 

So I've chased the reason lately, trying to find what reason could make me feel like this?

 

Was it because everyone in my group of friends suddenly got so succesful in love? 1 year, 8 months, 6 months, 4 months and 1-2 months.... Wauw, I must say it's pretty wonderful and I feel so happy for them. But... it has left a hole in me, who as a very unlucky and romantic person has had crushes many times, but never ever been lucky.

I think to myself, that it's because I'm ugly, I'm not like any other people here, I'm different, I'm weird, I'm slightly overweight, actually I'm not even overweight, but has a few extra kilos. My hair is a mess, I have curls, but they ended up being... dead... nearly... And I got a haircut, short, very short. Then it has grown out and I just think that having straight hair suits me better, so I straighten it... every week. It, of course, takes hard on my hair, and it's just so ruined by now. So I really just hate going out... Why can't I have long straight hair like everyone else? 

Why?

I ask this question too much. But there's really not any answer.

I don't think love is an opportunity for me, because I'm nothing guys would like. No one would like me?
 - I'm boyish, I'm awkward, I'm weird and crazy amongst my friends, I... so many reasons.. eh?

But I say to myself that I'm chasing after being satisfied with myself, that I can say; "I'm alright." But why can't I say that now?

I am alright... right?

No.. I don't really think so...

I don't understand how my friends can say, "Emma you will find love, and you are so beautiful!" Wait... what? Definitely not...

Then to the very reason I made this blog post.

I have a dear friend, which I've mentioned before, my one and only best 'boy' friend. He has also started being on tumblr, and obviously found me there too. Quite a surprise for me. But he then wrote to me on twitter that he had reblogged a post thinking about me. And of course that made me curious, so I checked it out. "HERE"  

I shed tears... It just made me realize that yes, I am chasing something impossible, something that is not worth chasing after. Beauty. What kind of beauty am I chasing after? Other's beauty? I can't do that, because I'm not like them. I have my own beauty. Though I of course still really can't see it, but it doesn't matter to me that much. I really feel less burdened, I feel free to act like I want and not be bound to boundaries of not feeling 'good enough' to be loved.

And I now can go back to work on my stories with peace in my mind... that's what you have friends for... I would be nothing without them.
 

Also you guys, you have really kept me up in all those time and lately I've smiled so much because of you guys! :) Thank you~ <3

A post of graditute from me: "HERE"

See you, from Panda. <3