Timeless Friendship by Gyuhism
Story Title: Timeless Friendship
Story Author: Gyuhism
Reviewer: Rirakuma
Plot: 9/25
Although the plot had an interesting premise, I felt that you didn’t quite pull it off. After I had finished reading this, I felt like I knew what you were trying to do with this fic, but you didn’t quite hit the mark. By that, I mean the story didn’t quite impact me or shock me. Some things weren’t explained properly, and generally it just had an almost unfinished feel to it. To be honest though, I think this is just because of a lack of experience, and the only way to fix that it by practicing. I think you have a lot of potential, but you don’t quite have enough writing experience to pull off this fic, especially since time travel is quite complicated.
My main issue with this though is that it wasn’t quite explained so well. I know that in one-shots it can be quite difficult to fully explain and develop your ideas because you only have so many words to fit everything into, but at points I was confused--particularly during the ending. It felt sort of rushed, and I wasn’t sure what happened. So was all of this just a dream? What happened to Kyuhyun? Leaving your reader with too many questions can, rather than making them think, confuse them and leave them feeling unfulfilled. For me, the ending was just sort of a, ‘oh, wait what?’
Although I’ve said all of that, I do have to say I enjoyed the idea. And I really do think that you can do well as a writer, but as I said above, practise, practise, practise. Next time you write a fic, make sure that everything is clearly explained. Other than that, I thought that you did quite well.
Characters: 13.5/20
Since this is a one-shot, there’s really not that much I can talk about in terms of characterization since there isn’t enough time to develop the characters properly—especially since this fic is quite short.
I thought that the scene between Kyuhyun and Sungmin were quite sweet, and it showed their closeness. Although they didn’t talk about anything particularly important, you could really see their friendship through those small conversations, so well done on that.
Sungmin seemed very selfless, especially at the time he thought ‘Kyuhyun cannot die. He still has to make it for his sister's wedding.’ I thought that was a really sweet line, and it showed that Sungmin really cared for Kyuhyun. This reflects back to the start, where Sungmin recommended Kyuhyun when he was struggling for a job. Good job on keeping your characters consistent.
Language and Writing Style: 14/20
Your grammar was generally good, though there were a few recurring mistakes that I picked up on. I see these mistakes all the time though, they’re very common.
For example: "Check your IMK008 folder." Sungmin suggests.
This is incorrect, because before the speech marks at the end of the dialogue, there is a full stop instead of a comma. It should be: "Check your IMK008 folder," Sungmin suggests. This is because the ‘Sungmin suggests’ part is still a part of that sentence and shouldn’t be cut off as if the sentence has already ended, and ‘Sungmin suggests’ isn’t connected to that.
Maybe they feel that Kyuhyun is better than I am. Maybe I'm not as worthy as Kyuhyun to be working here.
This sentence didn’t quite work. Because your fic told from third person, using ‘I’ without any indication that this is what he’s thinking makes it look as if the P.O.V’s have been switched. If you want your character to think something, try something like this:
‘Maybe the feel that Kyuhyun is better than I am, Sungmin thinks. Maybe I’m not as worthy as Kyuhyun.’ Just adding in the ‘Sungmin thinks’ shows that you’ve temporarily switched into what he’s thinking.
At one point, there’s ‘all of a suddenly.’ Which should be: all of a sudden.
Though I’m not sure if it’s a typo or grammar error.
I noticed there were no tense switches, which was good. I see a lot of fics where the author switches between present and past tense. Overall your grammar was pretty good, and there weren’t too many mistakes.
Entertainment and Originality: 5/15
The groundhog day concept of living the same day over and over again isn’t particularly new, and it has been used quite a few times. I thought this one was a bit different though, because Sungmin didn’t remember that he’d lived the same day over and over until the fire started—so I thought that was interesting. In terms of enjoyment, well I felt like a lot of the enjoyment was sapped out because I was too confused to understand things at some points. Just remember, what’s in your head isn’t necessarily transferring to your readers, so you have to be clear.
Flow: 6/10
The flow was quite good. Your story did seem rushed at some parts though, especially when the fire started. It just came completely out of nowhere, and skipped to when the fire was already raging. I think that if you played out the same scene, yet went back a little from Sungmin’s perspective, it could’ve built the tension a bit better. For example, Sungmin and Kyuhyun are together, then Kyuhyun says he needs to go the bathroom. Sungmin then notices the fire, and realises Kyuhyun’s gone. Writing a scene in this manner is more powerful in my opinion, because the reader is up to date with Sungmin’s thoughts. They’re also thinking, as soon as the fire starts, ‘oh no what about Kyuhyun?’ It can evoke good responses from your readers.
Presentation: 4/5
The poster and the background matched the mood, and in general everything was pretty well presented. The foreword was well done also, and I liked how you clarified this wouldn’t be romance. When people see two guys in a story as the main characters, they generally just assume it’s /romance, so it’s good you cleared that up.
Title: 4/5
I liked the title. It fit the story well. One thing you could fix up though is the capitalisation. All words in the title should be capitalised, unless it’s a joining word like ‘the, or, and’.
Additional note: Don’t be discouraged by my words. I particularly want to say this to you because I think you do have a lot of potential that you can bring out once you’ve had more experience.
Overall: 55.5/100
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