Aish! That Jung Daehyun! by hyunvirus
Story Title: Aish! That Jung Daehyun!
Story Author: hyunvirus
Reviewer: Rirakuma
Plot: 6/25
A major problem I had with the plot was when Namjoo moved into B.A.P’s dorm. I know if I was asked to move out of home, I would seriously consider it and take some time. But all Namjoo did was think about it briefly and have a few passing sentences saying she would miss her mum. But after she moved out, she didn’t get homesick, think of her mum a lot, etc. It just seemed unrealistic and rushed. I think if you left a few chapters or so for her to consider whether this would be a good idea, it would’ve seemed more believable.
What I’ve found with this story is that there are lots of side characters, fillers and sub plots everywhere. A certain amount of fillers, and subplots aren’t bad to have, but when they start appearing in every second chapter, it can make your reader think, ‘when are they going to get to the point?’ The plot was mainly focused on Namjoo and Daehyun falling in love, but there were so many little things that it fried my brain a bit and I was confused as to what was happening.
Basically, I felt that this story could’ve been much shorter and to the point, but it kept dragging on with no real major plot lines being revealed. It just feels like it’s still going just for the sake of still going, not to make a point or reveal something.
Characters: 4/20
I really didn’t like Namjoo. To me, she came across as really rude and cold for absolutely no reason. For example, the first time she met Jaehyun, she was so rude to him, and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he’d done anything to offend her, but she just brushed him off. Also, her moods go up and down so often that I have a hard time telling if she’s angry, sad, or happy. It’s a bit jarring to read.
If you want Namjoo to be a cold character, there’s nothing wrong with that. Characters don’t have to be nice. But you have to explain why she’s being rude and refusing to talk. You could make some inner monologue and say that she hated strangers, she doesn’t like talking and she refuses to talk to x because y.
As for Daehyun, I didn’t dislike him, but I didn’t like him. I had a similar problem with him as I did for Namjoo, and that’s the constant changing of moods. It became kind of jarring to read. When you write, instead of having their moods randomly change, go through what they’re thinking in their heads and write it. For example, if Namjoo was angry Deahyun, but then he bought her flowers or did something nice, she might think, ‘I was really mad at him, but now that I’ve seen him actually care for me, I feel a bit better. But I’m still a little bit irritated.’ Really follow those characters emotions in their thoughts and write them out.
You kept adding in characters instead of developing the ones you’ve already introduced. I would’ve liked to see more character development in the main characters and B.A.P, but instead Exo and L.Joe were introduced, and I didn’t really see the point in them being there. The side characters don’t seem to have much relevance to the story, and I’d advise you not to add in too many if they don’t have a particular purpose to be there.
Language and Writing Style: 17/20
The grammar got better as the story went along. There were just a few issues with punctuation I’ll clarify just in case you’re a bit unsure.
The grammar got better as the story went along. There were just a few issues with punctuation I’ll clarify just in case you’re a bit unsure.
E.g. “I went shopping.” He said. – I noticed that you wrote a few sentences like this. This is incorrect, because the full stop should be a comma, otherwise it implies that the sentences aren’t related. So, “I went shopping,” he said. Would be correct.
Three ellipses should always be used – I’m okay…
Also, I didn’t like the way you spoke to the reader, like this: ‘No, you dimwitted fool, I’m not asthmatic.’ It came across as a bit offensive and jarring to read. I know it’s not supposed to be, but it can come across that way. Generally if this isn’t a self-insert fic, don’t talk to your readers.
But, your spelling was good, and the grammar was mostly very good. So good job on that!
Entertainment and Originality: 6/15
The plot really wasn’t original at all. I’ve read similar things many times, and it wasn’t different from a lot of other stories I’ve read. It’s quite cliché, the one girl and a bunch of guys living in the same house. I’m a bit curious about her interest in swords and history, though. That’s not something I’ve seen around much.
The plot really wasn’t original at all. I’ve read similar things many times, and it wasn’t different from a lot of other stories I’ve read. It’s quite cliché, the one girl and a bunch of guys living in the same house. I’m a bit curious about her interest in swords and history, though. That’s not something I’ve seen around much.
I wasn’t particularly entertained by this fic. I’ve read and seen many similar plots, which isn’t a problem, but you really need to make it your own. Having a similar general plot as others really isn’t a problem, because almost nothing is original these days, but most of the fic followed a lot of clichés and didn’t really go on its own path. What I mean by this is – your main plot revolves around Namjoo moving in with B.A.P and falling in love with Daehyun. Making it your own would involve going somewhere a bit different – writing things that people don’t expect to see. Most of the subplots leading up to Daehyun and Namjoo getting together weren’t, in my opinion, gripping or interesting.
Flow: 4/10
This story is very slow for the amount of time that has passed in the fic. There were already quite a lot of chapters and events that had occurred in the span of about a week. For me, there were too many things happening in the first ten or so chapters, but almost no time had elapsed. It was a bit weird reading that because it seemed like so much time had already passed. There’s no need to describe what happens every day, and if you want to indicate that time has passed, you could say something like, ‘for the past few weeks, things had been as hectic as ever.’ If you write about so many things happening in one day, it can become long winded.
This story is very slow for the amount of time that has passed in the fic. There were already quite a lot of chapters and events that had occurred in the span of about a week. For me, there were too many things happening in the first ten or so chapters, but almost no time had elapsed. It was a bit weird reading that because it seemed like so much time had already passed. There’s no need to describe what happens every day, and if you want to indicate that time has passed, you could say something like, ‘for the past few weeks, things had been as hectic as ever.’ If you write about so many things happening in one day, it can become long winded.
Presentation: 4/5
The story was easy to read, and the poster/background fit the story well. The only problem I had was, at the end of some chapters, it was really spaced out for three lines. There were quite a few lines between each sentence, and it makes it look like you want to fill in space (though I’m not sure of your intention, but that’s how it appears.) If it’s for suspense, I think it would be just as effective if you put them closer together.
The story was easy to read, and the poster/background fit the story well. The only problem I had was, at the end of some chapters, it was really spaced out for three lines. There were quite a few lines between each sentence, and it makes it look like you want to fill in space (though I’m not sure of your intention, but that’s how it appears.) If it’s for suspense, I think it would be just as effective if you put them closer together.
Title: 3/5
I didn’t really like the title. Mostly, this is because of the Korean. When making titles, I think it’s best to avoid words like ‘aish’ and ‘ottoke’, etc. It makes it look a bit messy, and I know some people who avoid titles because of the Korean in them. It didn’t particularly stand out to me. Though I did think it was appropriate for the audience that would enjoy this story. It’s a light hearted, fluffy love story, and the title reflects that.
Overall: 44/100
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