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Story Title: Petals in the Fire

Story Author: Kakurine039

Reviewer: BunnyTsundere

Title (8/10)

First off, I REALLY like your title! It prompted me to read on and find out the meaning of your story that relates to it. But when you said it had nothing to do with the story, I was pretty disappointed. ^^”

Sure titles are supposed to look nice and attractive to the readers or viewers, but the most important ingredient to spice up your story’s likeability is to have a connection between the title and storyline. It doesn’t have to be straightforward, though. You can also create titles that will be mentioned or revealed its meaning in the coming chapters.

Even so, your title really caught my eye and I hope other readers think so too!

 

Description (12/12)

To start, your description is really interesting if not intriguing! It had that exciting zest to it that made me want to read on and enjoy your story. I also appreciated the fact where you wrote down what Tanvesas and Elmahs meant as well as their roles amongst Humans.

That really helped me to navigate myself well into the story. There’s also that lingering question mark as to how the characters relate to each other and how dangerous these Tanvesas are in gaining their goal (which is to find an all-powerful Elmah right?). LOL, but all in all your description scored a prefect mark! Way to go~

 

Storyline (19/23)

The flow of the story is really fast-paced as you started it with Kevin running for his life in the woods. Readers would be on the edge of their seats in wanting to know what in the world he is running away from. In the further chapters, they are packed with the element of surprise and fighting and it never ceased to amaze me!

Overall, the plot of this story isn’t that bad; an evil antagonist bent on revenge and hatred, infertility in relationships and sibling love are all in my list of a good storyline. You’ve also managed to add a little dash of humour along the way and that really lightens up the mood, since the plot is pretty much on the dark element.

Though, it lacks a thorough explanation regarding the worlds and places as well as the roles of the characters of the story. It would have been appreciated if you did a PROLOGUE in the midst of explaining if not everything about what I’ve stated. You could even start it off with Lady Minsuh’s death or something.

But as I’ve said, it is a good storyline; fit for action-lovers and vampire-addicts.  :D

 

Writing Style (7/10)

Descriptive, humorous and full of surprises is what suits my definition of your writing style best! Usually, I really dislike AU fanfics regarding vampires as I find them too mainstream, but you managed to make me think twice when it came to your story. :D

About being descriptive, I find that every author should be open-minded and at least describe how the character place looks like so that readers can get a clearer picture of the story.

[Chapter 1] 1. ‘It was grotesque looking – bones were visible protruding from the insides and the arms bent in a way arms shouldn’t!’

This is my favourite physical description so far (and it’s only in chapter 1!). For humour, you really crack me up with even the driest sarcasm you managed to pull whenever the story gets intense.

[Chapter 5] 2. “How do you know I live here?”   “Myungsoo.” That bastard!

                         “Of course, I had to beat the out of him to get the information.” That poor bastard!

As these qualities are well and good, you should also know that your writing is on amateur level. There is a downfall to your story and that is incoherent wordings that are not suitable for writing stories.

                    3. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! (You should have spaces there)

                    4. Imma die! Imma die! Imma die! (Correct to ‘I’m going to die!’)

                    5. Niwshfjweonfcwklcmunckenlacnj! (NOT GOOD)

      If you improve these little mistakes, I’m sure your story would turn out more enjoyable and professional to read!    ^.^

 

Grammar (17/30)

I can’t say that you scored in this element. There were countless grammar mistakes and spelling errors detected as I read through your story. I am not fond of stories where they don’t check their writings as well as bring in the wrong use of English. But I do feel that given the amazing storyline, your mistakes need only improvement! :D

First is, of course, your grammar it pretty much revolves around present or past tense as well as singular or plural words.

[Chapter 3] 1.’His screamed....’ (This should be ‘His screaming’ as it is a present tense. If you’re writing past tense, it should be ‘He screamed.’)

[Chapter 4] 2. ‘You wasn’t there!’.... (You, in English is properly categorized as plural, so you should use ‘You weren’t there!’)

Besides that, there are numerous ‘typos’ in the earlier chapters so I highly suggest you to check your story after you write it. Even if it is a tedious job, if it’s for the good of your story and other readers comfort, then you should! This makes your story safe from unwanted typing errors that may get you laughed at by other readers.

Next is your habit to shorten proper words into words we use while we’re talking. For essays and stories, it is not encouragable to use these words such as: C’mere, Imma’. It makes your story look like an everyday and common thing to read. So, to increase your professionalism in writing, I suggest for you to write the original words because converting it to ‘talking language’ may change the meaning! Be careful. :)

So as I read more, I found less grammar mistakes so I take it that you’re progressing through every chapter! Keep up the good work and don’t forget to re-check your story. There may be errors! ^^

 

Characterization (7/7)

Okay, I honestly done know a lot about U-KISS’s members and their real-life traits but in this story, I felt as if I understood them and knew them as if I was their fan. XD I know it’s weird, but the characteristics and personality of each and every one of the members are described well. I especially like how you made Dongho blind yet he can feel his surroundings as if had his eyesight back.

It’s a good twist as well as Soohyun, Myungsoo, and Sungjong being brothers along with Kibum, who is half-related to Kiseop. I also admire Kevin’s personality. He isn’t that valiant and he depends on others for help, but what amazes me is his determination in bringing his loved ones back from the vampire world, Ordon. His short attention span always managed to make me laugh and wonder if he really is that way in real life. >_<

Good characters means suitable personalities – and of course, you nailed it!

 

Personal Enjoyment (7/8)

I’d really be lying to myself if I said I was disappointed with the action-packed story you created... I really enjoyed it! There’s so many hidden secrets about each of the characters and it prompted me to continue on with the following chapters.

Although I am not a fan of U-KISS nor any of the pairings, but seeing as you include Infinite and my darling diva maknae made me like the story bit by bit. As I ate up the chapters, I realised that I didn’t just want to see you involve Sungjong into the story; I wanted so badly to know the revelation of Kevin’s identity and past as well as Kibum’s ambitious plans after he has Kevin and Kiseop in his hands.

I enjoyed every chapter that you wrote. :3 Continue writing!

 

My Review Scale!

12+7+7+7=87/100
B: Not a bad story, and I recommend it. Read it if you have time!

“Excitingly thrilling; viewers should drop by and check this story out! Though it isn’t my cup of tea, it should be supported by more readers to enjoy.”

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