It's been a bittersweet day for me... Just like any other day, I find myself going through events in the day and reflecting back on what I should have, or could have done to make it better. Throughout my life, there are tons of times where I really wanted to do something in a certain situation, but I couldn’t collect the strength to do it. For instance, today, I really wanted to ask my mom-in-law questions about the Korean language, but I didn’t want to look stupid in front of her, that in my age (24), I still want to learn. I know this is a stupid reason, but at the time, it was difficult for some reason.

The worse is when I do or say something that I didn’t think through. For example, yesterday at a friend’s birthday party, I ended up voicing my opinion in a way that made it seem offensive. I didn’t do this on purpose; it’s just when I spoke, it came out that way. I still am kicking myself for this. Although it was what I really was thinking and how I really felt, it was the wrong way to say it. I could have been more polite about it, and respected the other person’s opinions.

Situations like that really make me feel alone. They make me retract and think, maybe I’m better off by myself, and fending for myself. The more I think about it, the more pathetic I feel, because these are really first world problems that I should be grateful to have. As I let out a big sigh while writing this, I feel like no one really likes me for who I am, but that they just put up with me. I am longing to find someone who can relate to me on every level, but we all are. However, we also know that this is impossible, but we do our best.

Right now I feel like I might be the ONLY person who feels this way, but I know that a lot of people feel this way too. It’s just that no one really admits it, because that would be terrible in a world that is mage driven; like how a wife never says terrible things about her husband to her friends, but cries to herself about it or bearing the pain alone. I want to break this stereotype; I want the world to be real. People to accept that life is not all sunshine and rainbows, and that just because you admit things aren’t going perfectly, it doesn’t mean that you are less of a person than someone whose life is amazing.

Reality is the people who tell me that everything is so wonderful; I know they are full of hot air. Yes, sometimes life might be great, but I know that things aren’t perfect, so please stop acting like it is and making me feel like just because I tell you mine’s isn’t. I tell myself that I should just say what’s on my mind, whenever and wherever, but if I did that, I would be misunderstood often. Just because I talk doesn’t mean that I don’t like the person; it’s just the truth about them from my point of view. I am starting to think that I am just a terrible person; I wish I could shake this feeling, but I want to live the way I want without the pressure of the world’s opinions or beliefs.

Writing… It took me this long, but after working on my first fan fiction, “Unrequited Love”, I realize that writing is my outlet. I am going to try blogging my feelings now, so this is my first blog. Why not? Who cares what anyone else thinks, it’s nice to just have someone read silently, and it’s nice to just let it all out into cyber space. I use to be a hater for things like this (Facebook status updates, tweeting, etc.) but I realized who cares what other people think? If it makes you happy, then tweet to your heart’s desire, or post updates till you can’t post anymore. Sometimes people are ignorant (like how I was) and it’s hard for them to admit it.

The touchiest topics are Religion, Politics, and Money, but they can also be the topics where people bond the most; so how do you balance these things? To not talk about them, does that really mean you know someone well, or that you are close to them? Phew, what o first entry, but you know what? I feel better… I really think I found something I can plug myself into. Writing is truly therapeutic for me, especially when I don’t care who is or is not reading. When I am down, I will turn to you guys and writing, and life will suddenly be better again. It is too fragile and short to waste on feeling bitter or like the weight of the world is on you.

I’ll end this entry with the things I am thankful for since it is Thanksgiving, even though there are a lot of terrible emotions running through me, I want to remember that they aren’t as important as these. I am thankful that this year, I made a lot of wonderful new friends, and I discovered who I am this very moment so that I can become who I want to be in the future. I am thankful for my family (Specifically my mother, Aunt Jen and Uncle Kevin, and my Grandmother) and my friends who have always stuck by my side. Even though we have our ups and downs, we never gave up on each other, and I pray that they know I will always have their backs. I am thankful for all the wonderful events I got to attend this year; Meeting Nu’est at KCON, VIP tickets to the Big Bang Concert, and all the events along the way. Some memorable ones are Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights with Nadia, Melissa, and Adrian, before that, NOT getting into Horror Nights and exploring LA on the metro with Melissa and Adrian. Also, Sovanna’s housewarming party, the trip with the kids to Balboa Park before Baby Vi was born, one day trip that was insane with Xander and Vi to get Sovanna’s wedding dress, Sovanna’s surprise birthday party with Diane, Kera, Gary, Jeff, Anthony, and my brother Daro. I am thankful that my brother got out of the Military and finally gets to do what he wants. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, that despite our difficult times, I always know he loves me, and I am thankful that he takes good care of me and our two children. I am thankful for the health of our two boys (ages 3 and 1, William and Xander) and that they have taught me so much more about life; things that I couldn’t have learned without them. I am thankful for every day that I get to walk on this earth with the people I love and who loves me. One get together would be with Frank, Nadia, Zelda, and Matt when we went to dinner and hung out. This day I will want to remember forever, because it was the day Matt and I’s friendship leveled up, and so did my friendship with Zelda. I laughed so hard at something Matt said that I spat coffee at him and some got on Zelda too. It was the most embarrassing thing I have ever done, and I hope they forgive me. However, it will be a memory I will cherish forever. So many things to be thankful for but, it would take forever to write about. I am sure I left out a lot of things I can’t remember, but I am thankful for those too…

Although this year has been filled with a lot of sorrow, I know I can live with the sorrow because I have learned of Life’s preciousness and short time on this earth. This year I’ve attended two funerals, Adrian’s Father and my past best friend Tricia, whom although we drifted apart, she always called to check up on me. Adrian’s father’s funeral was the first funeral I have ever been to and it was heart breaking to see my friend in such pain. I wish that I could erase the pain away and replace it with a sense of comfort. I hope that I can share many stories of his father in the future to come.

Tricia passed away on the night of the Big Bang Concert at 10 P.M. So while I was having one of the best nights of my life, she passed away because a drunk driver was driving the opposite direction on the 710 S freeways. When I found this out, I felt a great sense of pain that I could have been there for her and it put a great sense of guilt in me for having so much fun and complaining about my tiny problems. The man was driving a Tahoe and her and her best friend was in a small 4 door car. The impact instantly killed her and put her best friend in critical condition which no one knows if she will really make it or not. Currently Heather is recovering, and everyone is continuing to pray for a swift and uncomplicated recovery. Tricia’s funeral was the hardest on me, since she’s the closest person to me who has passed away in my life. It was the first funeral of someone who I knew, and it was an open casket funeral. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about seeing her lay there, but it was the last time I’d get to see her, so I didn’t want to regret it. Her laying there so lifeless broke my heart, and I couldn’t stay there long. I regret so much that I didn’t hang out with her more often, and that I didn’t call her when I really wanted to. The worst part is that I don’t have a single picture of her and I, and it was because I had lost over one thousand pictures when I tried to move the pictures from my computer to my external hard drive. Although those pictures of us together are gone, I know her memory still lives on through me. All I have left to remind me of her though is a picture she had drew me about three years ago which I plan to frame and hang on my wall. I’d like to think that she will continue to watch over me, but that is selfish. I know that she is watching over her loved ones, and I pray that their hearts heal quickly.

It broke my heart to see her mother, whom is getting older, to lose her only daughter in the worst way. Often the feeling of sadness and regret were replaced with anger for the person who murdered her, unintentionally, but it is still murder in my heart. I want to go look him in the face, and hope that by seeing me, he can see the hatred I have for him without even have met him. I know it is wrong, but I cannot help feeling this way at times. I know the right thing to do is to forgive him and pray that he spends the rest of his life educating other people and somehow trying to make amends for Tricia’s death even though it wouldn’t help bring her back.

I want to reflect on the times I spent with her, so I can remember them forever, the good and the bad. When they were talking about how she loves art, and baking, they struck a chord with me, so I couldn’t help but cry. She baked me oatmeal cookies once when she visited my home, and they were just the way I liked them; soft and chewy and she knew this. The drawing that she drew me was of an angel, and I found this to be even more heartbreaking. I wonder why she chose to draw an angel for me, and what she was thinking about when she was drawing it. On the drawing she wrote “Yor an Angel” with her signature underneath it. I couldn’t help, but laugh, because even though she had left this world, she was still making me smile and laugh. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed the typo before, but now it reminds me of what a vibrant person she was, and all her jokes. Seeing her mother at the funeral, it reminded me that Tricia really is her mother’s daughter. Her mannerisms, her sense of humor, and her optimism were just like her mothers, and it broke my heart even more that despite great pain, her mother was able to smile and make everyone in the church laugh. They say that losing a child is the greatest pain of all, but maybe that’s why God chose Tricia, because he knew how strong Marcia is. I need to hold on to the belief that everything happens for a reason, or else I don’t know if I can accept Tricia’s death. Regardless, Tricia is next to the lord now, and what place is there better to be? Whatever belief Tricia’s friends and family may have, I hope that they have a way to find comfort and seek tranquility after such a loss. Another thing I loved about being with Tricia was she always treated me like her child; as weird as that sounds let me explain why… I am sure she learned this from her mother. We would always be together, and whenever I was with her, I felt safe in every way. I believed in my ace of hearts that she would have beat anyone up who tried to touch me, if someone even remotely gave her a bad feeling, she would have my back. When she felt like something was not justified, she would say something about it. I never had the courage or the confidence to say anything, but I always felt that no matter what happened that Tricia would. She sure did, too. One night, when we went dancing at Level 3, we got kicked out because we didn’t have our shoes on. Instead of telling us to put them back on, they just kicked us out, but they took her shoes! They refused to give them back, but they should have known Tricia was not going to take that; they were her shoes! She walked up to the bouncer and despite him telling her to leave over and over, she demanded she speak to the manager, and when he came, she gave him a piece of her mind, too! Well, to cut the story short, I just want to say she sure did get her shoes back. I am laughing while I’m writing this, but at the same time filled with so much sadness that I won’t get to feel the safety from her love again. One of the times that were so amazing for her was when she used to work at Signature Flight. I often picked her up from work and we hung out. One day, she was so excited, because one of the clients offered to take her on a ride in his private two-seater plane! I remember this day, because I brought her there, and I parked my car and waited for her after she was done. When she got off the plane, she had the biggest smile on her face, and she had snapped a couple of pictures of her in the air; I wonder where those pictures are now... When she came back down, she asked if I wanted to wash my car. It was just the most random thing, but she was always great for that. We washed my car in the spot where they use to wash their planes, and I remember her being so excited to tell me that their water was special. I asked her why it was so special, and she said that it dried without leaving water spots. I am not going to lie, it was seriously amazing water. I also remember that we use to roll down the car windows all the way and play music so loud that we couldn’t even hear each other talk. Tricia was truly someone who you shouldn’t judge a book by the cover. She loved all the stuff above, but she could also be the friend to sit down and play Magic the Gathering with you. I remember us playing together, and her always having an amazing wants to learn. She was also a gamer, so we related on that level as well. I don’t think a lot of people realize how close Tricia and I use to be, but we shared so many moments that brought us together that I admit I took for granted. Now memories of those moments are all I have.

The last time I talked to Tricia was in May on my birthday. She always called me on my birthday and occasionally would check up on me throughout the year. Our last conversation consisted of us planning to get together for my birthday that same week, but she called and said she had Jury Duty which at the time, I didn’t realize how unfortunate that really was. She said she had gotten me a birthday card, a card I will never get to receive from her now… but she also called to tell me that she had met someone amazing, that they were getting married, and she even thanked me for pushing her to go back to school, because she was now going to finish soon. Watching as Keith went up to speak, I cried. Those circumstances were not the circumstances I wanted to meet him in. I always imagined that Tricia would be introducing me to him with the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. I couldn’t even bring myself to go talk to him. I wouldn’t even know what to say, or I would just jumble words together in nervousness the same way when I handed Marcia a red envelope. I regret not saying anything to him, so Keith, I am sorry. I am so sorry that you had to lose such a wonderful person in what is supposed to be one of the most amazing points in your life. I am sorry that we would have had to meet in the situation we did, and I am so sorry that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you and at least to give you a hug and share that fact that we were so blessed to even have had her in our lives.

Marcia told me an amazing story, though. She told me she knew what the red envelope I was handing her was all about, and then told me a little bit about her past which brought me great comfort. I felt like I was her child whom she was telling a story too, and for that split second I felt the same warm like a child that I felt when I was around Tricia. Tricia truly appreciated my culture, and she and I often visited my grandmother’s and mother’s house together. She wasn’t afraid to try anything once, and she was always polite…

 Although we didn’t talk often, I always knew that she loved all her friends. Despite the bad times and the fights, I felt that our friendship was so strong, we’d never stop being friends, but death is a powerful thing… Although our friendship has ended in this world, I know that it will continue when I see her again. Until then, the memories and love will linger forever…

Wow, did I really write that much? I must have had a lot on my mind, but that is probably just half of how I feel. I want to say, “Not that anyone cares about how I feel…” but I won’t because I really don’t know. I am writing now, because writing is like therapy to me. I want to continue with a realistic but positive attitude, and I want to learn not to sell myself short. I put myself down before anyone else gets to put me down, and I know I use that is a defense mechanism. I will try to change that as the New Year approaches, and I want to become confident in myself; slowly but surely.

That’s it for tonight. I probably forgot to write about something I wanted to write about, but that’s okay. I will write about it if I remember…