So today at my high school was something called "College & Career Day" where representatives from different colleges and jobs come talk to us about their schools or types of work.

I checked out Cal Poly and Occidental College.

Occidental College is a fantastic private school that focuses on Science {they have a great engineering program and an awesome psychology program}, English, and above all, the Fine Arts. Acting, singing, dancing, you name it. Even if you want to work backstage. And it's a small school that focuses more on your personality and well roundedness rather than your GPA.

I loved the idea.

But I made the mistake of telling my mom that I wanted to keep it an option.

She called me useless and a waste of money. And that I have no goal in life. No dream.

She also said she would have a new car and a nicer house if she didn't spend money on my education.

She told me that I might as well go work at McDonalds.

That hurts.

If you don't know already, my self esteem is at rock bottom. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm stupid... you name it. Everything bad.

I studied so hard to get through with decent grades WHILE being bullied. She didn't listen to me. She didn't care.

I was secretly on drugs just so I wouldn't commit suicide by the age of 11.

ELEVEN.

So what if I would want to go somewhere else rather than a UC?

Occidental is a four year college that Barack Obama attended before transferring to a school DIRECTLY AFFILIATED with Occidental.

I'm academically stupid, especially at math. So the only way I could get into a good preogram is through the Arts.

You know what else my of a mom said?

"If I haven't heard of it, it's not a school"

I bet you that if my cousin hadn't gotten accepted to UC Berkeley, then my mom wouldn't have heard about that either.

That's just stupid.

And I'm ing tired of it.

All my life she's compared me to her friend's kids and tried to make me into something I'm not.

I just want a choice into what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I don't ing care about the pay, I just want to do something I won't regret later.

I'm just so angry I don't even know what to do. 

I know I'm stupid but at least I can dance, sing, act, and operate stage.

Why can't she see that?

I don't want some life-consuming office job that pays well. 

I want something new everyday.

I hate monotony.

I hate not having a choice when clearly I can make my own choices.

I could be living in a rented out apartment for all I care...

I just want to be able to go to sleep at night knowing that there's something worth looking forward to the next day.

Because right now, I don't even want to live.