Once upon a time I had a friend who listened to Super Junior and wrote fanfictions about them. Whenever she started talking about “those bloody Korean guys”, as I called them, I would close my ears and ignore it. Until one day she convinced me to read a fanfiction. I had read fanfictions before with Harry Potter and Tokio Hotel and had liked them so I thought “Why not?”. She showed me a picture where the members’ names were written beside each member so that I could see who was who. And then came the music. The first thing she showed me was “Gee” from SS2, closely followed by “Don’t don”, also from SS2. At that time I was not used to fanservice and I am a bit ashamed to say that I replayed the part of Hanchul several times (I actually hurried to my room in the recess just to replay that part…..). Slowly I began to read more and listen more and I decided I actually liked this band, despite the foreign language I didn’t understand.

As many a new fangirl had had before me, my first bias was Siwon. He is good looking and easy to relate to. But in the back of my mind there was always something about Eeteuk that fascinated me.

I slowly began getting familiar with the Korean terms frequently used in fanfictions. I now knew that Eeteuk was seen as the mother of the group and my fascination grew. I tried writing a fanfic at that time but I still had some walls up that made it nearly impossible to write. The fanfic ended up short and with no names in it.

I went to England to be an au pair. I was all alone in a foreign country and it was scary. My friend, who I had spent hours with everyday for the past year (seeing as we lived at the same boarding school), who used to sleep beside me, who used to call me “mommy” and hug me all the time, was no longer with me. I turned to Super Junior to cover that loss; after all she was the one who introduced me to them. I cannot count how many times I have listened to “No other” while I was with the first family. I suddenly felt a new fascination towards Eeteuk, but also Ryeowook caught my eye and I began to learn more about him.

The first family I stayed with didn’t work out and I moved to another family. From the second week I was there it was pure hell. I remember a night I stayed up till 2AM and listened to “It’s you”, full volume straight into my headphone, again and again and again. It helped. I had no idea what they where singing, but it helped.

Ryeowook was now my bias. And still I couldn’t shake Eeteuk off of me. There was something about him that just… I don’t know how to describe it. I began writing fanfictions during the last time I was with the second family. The mum said I wasn’t allowed in the house in the weekends, so I would take my computer, drive to a parking lot beside a forest just outside of the town I live in and I would sit there and write all day until I was allowed back in the house.

I got back to Denmark again, found a Danish family I could work for and moved there. I was really happy to stay there. I began to write more and more, even writing chaptered fics also. And then suddenly one day it hit me why I was so fascinated by Eeteuk.

I know him.

Mine and his personalities are so close that I got scared. I think it was while I was watching a video where the other members talked about how Eeteuk had lost his temper and hit one of them. Suddenly I saw that this man, however perfect he seemed on the surface, was a human too. Just like me. I started to get to know more about him, and the more I learned, the more I felt like he and I could be twins, despite the gap of years.

I went to the SS4 in Paris alone. A lot of people shook their head at me, calling me crazy for travelling that far to see a Korean boyband, all alone at that, and they didn’t understand. But the moment Eeteuk looked my way and smiled, looked straight into my eyes and smiled his crooked smile, it didn’t matter what other people thought anymore. It might have been fanservice but to me, that moment changed everything. He became available. He was a person just like you and me and he was there, right in front of me. No screens, just right there.

I admit I am a crazy fangirl. I talk too much about Super Junior and I listen too much to their music. I spend too much money on them and I use too much time reading and writing about them. But I don’t mind. The moment I realised how much Eeteuk and I are alike, I stopped minding. I finally found someone who knows what it is like to be a leader, a mother, a role model. Who strives to do his best and yet still comes short at times. Who loves when all attention is on him, but makes sure to lead it to himself in subtle, manipulating ways. Who is under constant pressure, mostly from himself, and who breaks down at times. And though I will never be able to talk to him about it, it has saved me from many a dark moment to know that somebody else out there knows.

Eeteuk is my inspiration. Seeing him fall and yet get back up and keep going, keep fighting for his dreams. If I am not mistaken and he and I truly are alike, I suddenly understand how much of an impact I have had on people’s life. I suddenly understand what they mean when they have called me strong, though I never felt like it. I see Eeteuk, the way other people seem to have seen me for years.

Eeteuk has shown me my true worth. And for that he will always have a place in my heart, even when the stage lights are off and Super Junior is no more.

It will be hard for him to go now. And probably even harder to come back again. He will realise that the world does not stand still just because he is not there anymore. s will have grown up, mature and learned new things. There will be new songs to sing and new dances to dance. New bands to get to know and a new order to get used to.

But the one thing that will not have changed, the one thing that will never change, is ELFs’ love for and devotion to both him and Super Junior.

Though every day might be a battle, two years will pass quickly and when they do, I will be ready to welcome you back with open arms.

Eeteuk, Saranghae. Jeongmal Saranghae.