My train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the voice of the mechanic, telling me he had fixed my car. I had been thinking about that particular matter during my time spent sitting at the waiting section. The date was set up and although it would risk my life, I just had to face this for the sake of my younger sister. Finally, the moment we had all anticipated. It was the race.

The sound of thunder reminded me of my little sister whom I wished to embrace her at this moment. I wondered how she was doing. After all, she was a mentally challenged kid and was diagnosed with astraphobia, an abnormal fear of thunder and lightning. She could not tolerate the sound of the thunder and lightning. It got me really exasperated and I wished those kidnappers were not that mean. 

I wouldn't put the blame on my parents if you had asked me why my sibling had this certain phobia. It was particularly their fault though. You see, my late father was a leader of a clan. It was one of the biggest clan that had once ruled the entire province. Fate had brought him and mom together. They got engaged, then married. My mom was also the heiress of a dark clan and ever since they both got married, their alliance had gained more enemies. Was I bragging about my past? Honestly, no. My father was such a notorious and evil person. I once thought he was Adolf Hitler in disguise. He killed for power and money as well. But what goes around comes around as his life was ended immediately in the hand of his enemy. Thank God my sister and I were given an opportunity to live longer. I thought they would not harass us any longer due to the death of my father. 

I was patiently waiting for my sister at home as she usually would walk home from school that time. It was around one thirty in the afternoon that I had decided to busy myself with chores. As I was wiping the tainted glass door with crumpled newspaper and soap water, my handphone suddenly rang a melodious ringtone. I quickly put away my items and took my handphone from the expensive marble table. I looked at the caller ID but it was an unknown number. One I could not call to mind.

Without much thought, I answered the phone call anyway. A husky voice was heard. It probably belonged to a man. I greeted the person with a 'hello' and not waiting for the later to reply, I asked who he was. Instead of answering my question, the caller ignored me and told me s and him had my sister with them. My eyes were as wide as saucers and I couldn't decipher what he said then. I only remembered him commanding me to follow his command if I didn't want them to hurt her. Afraid. I was afraid of what might happen to my one and only sister, Sohee. Tears stung my eyes when I heard Sohee's cries and pleas. 

I found out later from my butler the man was my father's former enemy and the fact that they were still holding grudges against our family haunted me. The things they did… was the same as I. Illegal racing, smuggling and drug distributing. They had actually threatened me about handing them a million bucks in exchange of Sohee. They also agreed to not harm her at all if I agreed to hand them the stated amount of cash.

I could not think sanely at that moment as I was having a mental breakdown. My sister was my only family left and I did treasure her so much. I quickly figured out a way to get her back. It was with a deal that I had set with the boss, a race. For my sister's life, I, myself, decided to risk my life in exchange of the one million bucks.

Enough of the flashback. Here I was, waiting for the race to start. The people chanting and trying to bring me down with their curses were inaudible to me at this very moment. I could care less about them, I thought. As the Race Queen covered in body paint flags down the checkered flag, I rammed my pedal. The race was officially starting and I knew I had to win this if I wanted Sohee back. It was for her life. My sister didn't deserve to suffer because of my parent's doing. My car drifted off with a good start on the slippery asphalt caused by the drizzling rain. The moon illuminating my view helped me to keep calm.

We completed the series of turns and obstructions and it was the final stretch. I was neck to neck to my competitor. I kept my mind focused but little did I know, my rival's blue Skyline surpassed me. I saw him smirking from my side view mirror and I muttered some profanities under my breath. I recklessly rammed the pedal even harder and frantically turned my steer to the right. The action had caused my car to collide with the crumple side of that blue Skyline. His car was practically flown to the divider and it mercilessly screeched backwards. I mentally made a fist pump as I knew, the victory is mine.

Write an essay ends with "...we were glad as it was finally over."

You have to end it with that. Write another paragraph with that ending. 

Xin's corner~

Okay so I know my review isn't all that but I hope it helps! I think this took me 2 hours to finish. LOL

Your mistakes are your constant tenses. If you want to write in one tense, stick to it. It's confusing if you write it in two tenses. Just play safe. And then the names. It would be irritating for the marker to constantly read the word 'sister' so please give the sister a name. I wrote Sohee since she's my WG's bias. Hehe. Keep in mind to not write very long sentences and abusing comas. Astraphobia. Not astrophobia. You wrote 'thought slipped' and I had contemplated on that. It's more common writing 'tongue slipped'. 

And for the racing part, I'm still not sure of that section since I don't read about races. But I tried my best to correct your sentences. Please look through and don't make the same mistakes again. :) Hope this helps! Good luck!