Last night I watched KBS Do Dream with TVXQ as the guest star. The Show was good and somehow Yunho’s story effected me. I come to think about my own dream, did I already pursue it? But the fact is I don’t really know about my dream. Yunho knew his passion is standing in the stage to perform the best song and dance. He chase his dream  to become a great artist and even though he had to face those circumtances on his way, he kept moving on and I adore him for being such a great person. He made me realise that in order to get you want, you need to work hard for it and you need to struggle to achieve it.

Now.. what is my dream actually? This question suddenly popped in and I recalled the old memories inside my head,trying to find the “thing” that I can adressed  it as my “passion” in life.

Is it Drawing? I think it is. The only thing that I can do better is draw. *though my drawing and ilustration making level is average lol.

Since I was a little I like doodling on my notebook during my school hour and my teacher once said that I have a talent in drawing, really? I’m not quit sure at that time because I remembered painting mountain in yellow color once in my art class. I was 5 back then lol. And the drawing hobby getting more serious after the local tv aired anime and SailorMoon caught my attention and I began drawing Usagi and Mamoru like every day, The addiction to anime and manga getting deeper on my teen life and since I did nothing but drawing in class my friends acknowledged me as the girl who loves drawing manga. I have this yellow sketchbook contains my own manga pages and it’s the main object in my school bag.

I tried to submit my own manga to one of Indonesian publisher when I was in my 3^rd year in high school and I got rejected hahahaha of course since my manga is asjkdlfhdskl

Another spontanieous act that I did after graduating from school was I took Graphic Design as major in college since I read some of Indonesian mangaka is studying the same subject. That’s the reason lol I’m such a clueless student back.

I tried to submit my manga again to several publisher and I even joined an japanese culture event and sold my own manga though the result is not quite good kk but I met many friends. The biggest achievement is when finally one of the publisher in m country accepted my submission. I even signed a contract with them to work on my 1^st manga but it I screw it when my laptop broke for almost 3 months and I had the most  hectic time at work at the moment and suddenly the dateline is come n they decide to cut off the contract.. and that was the biggest slump in my life. I cried for hours and I stop drawing for few months…

I loose my passion in drawing..

 I avoid facebook because I didn’t want to see my friend posting their artwork there, I refuse to see anything related to manga n stuff..

When I started working the manga debut I had few friends who also working on their debut and they already published their tangkoubon ..

I forgot how to draw for a year? Or less?  I kept busying myself with work and starting to forget about drawing activities.. I think the fear for failing keep haunting me? I don’t know..

But… lately I started to draw again.. I’m blaming those great dbsk and yunjae fanartists who made such great works kkk I easly tempted to take my tablet to draw after seeing them and I started enjoying drawing again …

And Yunho’s words on Do Dream slapped me hard. If he never stopped chasing his dream, why can’t i? But… Can i? Should I build the abandonded dream again? …

What is my real dream actually? LOL starting to confuse

*And why I wrote such an essay like this lol