When depression gets into me

I've been experience loneliness I never thought I would experience. I'm a freshman college student, and I wanted my college life to be wonderful. I've made an impression as someone who smiles a lot, has confidence, loves to sing, loves Kpop, someone who studies well and friendly. But despite my friendliness, I'm still on the point where I don't know who my true friends are. I used to hang out with people who are bad influence with me. Someone smokes and has a child already, one is a beautiful girl with a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time, and the last one is a lesbian. I got nothing against her gender preference. She's just a slack and is a troublemaker. Now, I hang out with 8 girls whom are girly and fun to be with. The problem lies that I feel lonely now with them. At first, they were so welcoming and I was so happy with them. But the past few days, it feels like I have to push and/or force myself with them to get noticed. They talk about their group, just the 8 of them, so I was okay, because there was another friend of ours who isn't part of them. Earlier, we were only 7. They were complaining about how they miss the others. It made me wonder if I disappear, will they also ask where I am? Will they also consider me like them? I was always with them, but I've never felt so lonely. I just wanted to cry, but I don't know if anyone would care. I wanted to open up to one of them, but with our midterms near, I just know she's gonna be busy, and I don't want to be a burden.

I opened up with one of my friends about it and began to cry. I'm usually the type to bottle up my negative feelings, and I don't want others to ask me when I cry, but I just can't. I need to open up my feelings somehow. My teacher even noticed it and I began narrating it to her. She was our class' favorite teacher, and she gave me more reasons to love her with her advice. When we reached the lecture room where our class was going to be held, I sat with them. Only one of them noticed and asked why I was crying. She wasn't with us for the past two days, and I just wanted to hug her at that moment. Back in high school, I love hugging my friends, especially my kpop loving best friend. Now, even getting a hug from one person is even hard.

You aff people might be wondering, "THE HELL I CARE." True enough that most aff readers don't read personal blogs about people unless it's Kpop related. This affects me as a whole being. I focused on my studies to be distracted. I'm also losing inspiration to write. Some people know that I'm currently doing three stories, Love Has No Limits, My Teacher Taught Me How To Love, and am a co-author for my Dorkazoid dongsaeng's One Shots store. With this depression of mine, I'm losing my urge to write. I'm losing the inspiration I used to have. I used to think of my stories almost every minute, but with what I'm feeling, I became unfocus. Added to this is the recent number of unsubscribers I had.

The saddest news of all is, if I don't find any inspiration for KyuMin's and EunHae's stories in LHNL, I'm going to end it within 5 chapters. The next two chapters are already planned. I just need to type it. If I won't find inspiration, and if I continue to lose subscribers, I'll end it as I've explained before.

But there is hope. With Super Junior's comeback, I've managed to smile again. They give me hope and smiles everyday. If they didn't comeback to make me smile, I'm going on a long hiatus, but no. They are just my life savers. They gave me smiles with their comeback performance and made me know that there is a reason for me to be happy. It may sound crappy, but their songs make me happy and help me with my life.

So after my long story, what am I gonna say? I just need time to be better for me to be able to write good for my stories. Just bear with me. Please wait as I overcome this hard time before I can write a good story.

---I still need to write a Jieun-Donghae chapter, a KangTeuk reunion chapter, and a reader-Junhyung request.---

Comments

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xroshni034 #1 Jan 28, 2012 21:28:50

Well this might be really late, but I felt like I had to respond because I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I'm a college freshman and I felt so overwhelmed being away from home and entering a completely new environment. It doesn't help that I'm extremely shy and I barely make an effort to talk to others because I get so nervous. Trying to do well at school also gets to me. I can understand you trying to find good company. Trust me people will be aware if you're absent, because you're worth remembering =) If you feel lonely among friends, are you sure they were your friends in the first place?
The best thing I can say is breathe and calm down when you feel worried. If the negatives of your life are getting to you, focus on the positives! Until then if you still feel like you can't talk to anyone, I suggest going to counseling services on campus just to get things off of your chest.

maknaelove #2 Oct 1, 2011 22:20:37

Aigoo, I just read this now. Hahaha. I was reading your other story kasi and there was a link there and now I'm here :3
Anyways, you're probably my unnie since you're in college na, right? I'm still high school :P

Okay, back to the point, I used to be with people who judged me a lot too. I thought they were my best friends but they were actually talking about me behind my back. When I suddenly got fat, they all abandoned me and started to bully me physically and emotionally.
It was a really hard time for me to go through. I even went emo and cut myself and all. I got too thin na kasi I didn't eat much.
I urged my mom to transfer me to another school... and that my current school now is where I found my real friends. To know who your real friends are is a long and hard process, but it actually takes some initiative. Why not try getting close to your other classmates or something? Malay mo, magiging close kayo :3

Since this is like 2 months ago, have you solved your problems na? If not, you're not alone unnie! You still have your friends here. :)
May Hee kpa nman :>

kiwibubblecat #3 Aug 7, 2011 20:37:25

@chocolate: Unni, I try to avoid the thought of being an outcast, but it can't be helped when I look around our class and I know who their friends are and where they belong. While I still don't have a stable set of friends. I was happy at first, but now it feels like I have to push myself with them. They don't wait for me like they used too. They don't talked with me like they used too. It's sad that they know how my story and I went to them because I know they're a better set of friends. They are nice, but they forgot that I was there. 
 
Unni, I'll follow you on twitter. I finally have an unni~! ^^

chocolate #4 Aug 7, 2011 12:02:33

I don't want my dongsaeng sad. Cheer up! Life is full of challenges but don't let it ruin you or bring you down. Remember to keep the faith to our Lord. Those trials are given to you because God knows you can handle it and it will make you a better person. Friends come and go. But don't let it affect you. Don't be too depressed. You know, I don't really have that much friends since I started liking KPOP. The only friends I have now is my best friend whom I hardly talked to, my boyfriend, my 4 classmates and my cousin. Though I have less friends, I am happy that I found true friends. Having many friends is useless if not all of them are real. Remember, you are living for yourself and not for others. Don't be too dependent on others. Don't be affected if someone judge you or say rude things about you cause you yourself know that it wasn't real. If you are feeling sad, and down. Pray to God and think of Super Junior for they are your inspiration. And besides, we are here for you. Unnie loves you. We are a family here. So if you are having a hard time, tell us, share it with us, and we'll make you feel good by talking with you. Just rant anything you want and we'll be here. 
 
By the way, I just want to share my story when I was in my first year of college, I was also surrounded by bad influence friends. On my first year of college with them I skipped class, go here and there, party and drink til I drop and got to the point where I was suspended in class. After that, I interact with my other classmates and befriended them. And now, here I am, a much better person though sometimes I drink yet I learned. 
 
Cheer up, dongsaeng! I'm praying you'll get your inspiration back in writing any time soon. 
 
Mag PM ka lang sakin kung gusto mo ng kausap. Ate Tricia is always online here naman sa AFF. Kung may Twitter ka, follow mo ko and let me know it's you para I can follow you back at mag usap tayo kung gusto mo at kailangan mo ng makakausap. 
http://www.twitter.com/chocolatrish

kiwibubblecat #5 Aug 7, 2011 09:55:53

@Cosyheartx: I wish I had someone I could see as my best friend in college. My best friend went to a different college.

Cosyheartx #6 Aug 7, 2011 09:54:03

Yeah. Somewhere in some point of time, one must have went through it before. Oh well! you are really not alone!! :D

kiwibubblecat #7 Aug 7, 2011 09:52:36

@Cosyheartx: After reading everyone's comments, it made me realize that each person must have felt lonely or what I've felt. As Park Jungmin's song goes, "I am not alone." 
 
Here in aff, people are nice that they don't judge you for who you are. We all have the same love for Kpop, which binds us together. I feel so free that in here, I can open up and I know that someone will give some time to listen to my stories. Thank you! I'll try to cheer up. SJ has made a comeback, and I'm happy to see them back. ^^

Cosyheartx #8 Aug 7, 2011 09:30:27

Hey babe! I totally understand how you feel. I went through being ostracized by my class in my secondary 3 and 4 when I had my O levels at the end of my sec 4 year. It even went to the extend that I put up a wall of defence against anyone who tries to talk to me and I even started skipping school until my level mistress and my mum came to talk me out. I totally understand how it feels like to be lonely, but then you have good friends on aff right?? 
 
I bet it's always easier to say things to someone that you will never really get to see in real life because there won't be any foundation for them to judge you about!(: So I am all ears anytime if you need one!(: CHEER UP!! :D

kiwibubblecat #9 Aug 7, 2011 04:27:57

@saranghaekyu: At least you have friends. I only have the friends I have in glee club because they're also kpop fans. If I'm with my blockmates, I don't know where to go too. 
 
@jaaeun: That's why I'm so thankful that when I voiced out my feelings here in aff, people whom I don't know personally comforts me. It's like there are people who care about me. I thought that this would just be ignored by some.

jaeeun #10 Aug 6, 2011 12:15:48

I have the same sentiments with you. Sometimes I don't feel well physically, but seeing the boys' smiles, it made me feel better. Though they may not know us personally, considering the fact that they see us as their family, never feel alone or that you're friendless.:) 
 
please don't be sad. you have us. you can talk to us about your personal problems too.:) ELF is not only a FANDOM. We are your CHINGU and your SAPPHIRE BLUE FAMILY.:) 
 
Pray too. God hears even before you tell Him. He will never leave you nor forsake you.:)

kiwibubblecat #11 Aug 6, 2011 09:47:32

@saranghaeyokyu: As much as I want to take a break from college, I can't. It's our prelims week, and some teachers still gave us homeworks. T.T 
 
@rukinamoto_26: At least you even have a kpop friend. I have friends who know and likes Kpop too, but the other one is a little busy since she's in our school's pep squad. I'm used to be the odd one out. But this loneliness is the one wherein they're just there, and yet it feels like there is this barrier. 
 
I really wish I can overcome this. I don't want to cry anymore just because of them.

rlabingmylife #12 Aug 6, 2011 09:18:43

somehow, i can relat--no, me and my friend can relate to your depression. i used to join with almost half of the girls in class. but i can't relate to them because they kept on talking about their lovelife and i get pissed sometimes because it was really annoying and also i never had a lovelife. so b'coz of that, i have to drift away from their group. even my non-kpop friend forgot about me so i was lonely until my kpop friend came to my life so b'coz of that, i told her everything why i can't reunite with my so-called 'friend' and luckily, she was always there until now though i'll graduate this school year. my depression was really hard also b'coz i always get the feeling of being misunderstood by others so i was bullied at the same time, a tough shield was building in me so, i end up liking to hit guys esp. to those who bullied me. until now, it's still in me but i have to learn from it. if i have to suggest, release everything that is making you depressed. i'm not that type of person to reveal my true feelings but i have a habit to listen to people's feelings. but still, you should take a break and settle things first before you get back to your own senses. 
 
i hope you can update soon. Fighting! ^^

kiwibubblecat #13 Aug 6, 2011 01:21:04

@Dorkazoid: It's not that I don't want to write one shots, I really do enjoy them. It's just that with the negative feelings within me, I can't get in the right mood to write it beautifully. I've never been so sad and depressed in my life to the point that I just want to cry without any reason. It's hard for me. I was always the happy & confident one who's negative feelings are always bottled up. But I just let it all out because I couldn't handle it anymore. 
 
Komawo, dongsaeng. *hugs*