Title: 4/5

For someone who uses to read this genre, your title may be a little too common, but it doesn’t matter too much since it suits your story very well. I myself am somehow attracted to this kind of fan fictions but for a person who uses to read just romance and comedy it may not be so interesting. What I’m trying to say is that your title doesn’t stand out. I still think it could have been something better.

 

Description/Foreword: 15/15

I like the fact that your description is short and it maintains the mystery of the story. I’ve always said: when it comes to short stories, long descriptions do nothing else but ruin everything.

Although your title doesn't stand out too much, your description woke inside me a trace of curiosity. And then came your foreword that really made me want to find out what exactly happens in there.

Everything’s alright in your foreword except the end of the last sentence:

“But what were supposed to be warm lips, were cold like as ice.” Well, they were cold as ice or cold like ice? I guess this was just a mistake made because of the lack of attention, so I’ll simply ignore it, but you may want to correct that there.

 

Plot: 20/25

I read a lot of stories which are similar with yours, so it doesn’t seem too original to me. But there is a big exception, and it is at the end of your story: I never expected the demon to be the one who firstly fell in love with the human, because you see, demons are made to be smarter than us. Humans are weak and ignorant so when they fall in love they don’t take into account who’s the one who took their heart. On the other hand, demons are the evil ones. They don’t fall in love with human beings but just push them to sin and play them on their fingers. So, that’s why your story was somehow special to me and kind of different.

 

Characterization: 18/20

Your characters are pretty well thought.

Key is the typical guy who’s going through a depression because his relationship ended. Yet, the state of a broken-hearted man drastically change into a state of fear and confusion in the moment he realizes there’s someone, or something, inside his house, state that changes again into a one of pleasure when their little ‘action’ begins.

On the other hand, Jonghyun’s character is a pretty unpredictable one. First of all, he is a demon. As I already said, in most of the stories demons are demons; evil creatures. They don’t feel love, affection and other things like that. Instead, your demon, which started being the typical evil one, suddenly changed into a creature that fell in love. It is pretty weird if you stay to think it actually resembles to a hunter falling for his prey.

 

Flow: 9/10

I guess the flow was alright, just that…when did Key actually realize he also loves the demon? When they did ‘it’? In my opinion, it happened too fast. I understand Jonghyun was watching over Kibum since before they met, but again, what about Key? I repeat, he fell in love with his own nightmare too fast. I mean, if I were in Key’s place, I wouldn’t do it.

Anyway, except this, everything seems okay.

 

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 10/15

Your grammar and spelling weren’t very bad. There were some moments when you changed the tense from past simple to present and you shouldn’t have done that. If you start with the past, then go on with the past.

I tried to pay attention at everything you wrote and how you wrote, but you kind of lost me when Jonghyun made his appearance.

                             

“Key was pushed back, falling in his as the man released himself…” – umm, Key doesn’t fall in his , but on his .

“…letting the light from the hall to engulf a part of the darkness of the room.” – if there’s something I don’t like when it comes to writing, then that’s the repetition when it is not necessary. To my ear that ‘of’ written two times in the same sentence, so close too each other, is annoying. So, to avoid this, you could have written something like: “…letting the light from the hall to engulf a part of the room’s darkness.”

“It was like a look a child who got bored of his toy had.” – “It was like the look of a child who got bored of his toy.”

“It’s like he felt a strange aura coming from the other side of the door.” - Look here! The tenses! You was writing in the past when bang! Suddenly that ‘it’s like’ appeared. When did it appear? Now? No! It appeared then; in the moment Key felt it; in the past! So, you should have written it like “It was like he felt a strange aura from the other side of the door.”

“His breath hitched and his eyes were wider open…” - Wider than what? Wider than they already were! Yet, you should have written it as “his eyes opened widely/wide” because here, wide is an adverb and adverbs come after the verb.

“…he was keeping his breath” – You don’t keep your breath, but hold it. “…he was holding his breath.”

“He was so scared that he won’t be surprised if he would faint.” – There’s an ‘if’ there that shows the possibility of doing a certain thing so you shouldn’t have used future, but ‘would’ instead. So, you should have written it as “…he wouldn’t have been surprised if he fainted.”

“, why the hell I locked the door!?” – “, why the hell did I lock the door?”

“he can tell that `that thing` has a human body.” – “he could tell” because it’s past, not present.

“Key kept trashing from right to left his head” – wait, what? He trashed?! Anyway, you may want to use a different verb there. So, you should have written like “Key kept shaking (?) his head from right to left.”

“The shirt fell on the ground and Key gasped at the cold drops of water hitting directly his skin.” – Ground? Which ground? I thought they were inside the bathroom.

 And well, yeah, I was too caught in the action to pay attention at the mistakes, but I would have seen them if they were big ones.

 

Enjoyment: 10/10

Suspense! This is what your story had! A lot of suspense! And this made me enjoy it a lot. Except the , of course. That was another story. Yes, I read pretty often and believe me, yours was mind-blowing!

I’m very glad you chose me as a reviewer because If you wouldn’t have done it, I think I would have never read your story…and it would have been a shame (for me at least).