Title: Love Bloomed at School Trip
Author: zeyniiDara

•Review:

 •Title: 3/5

     Each human see the things from a different perspective so it’s not my business to criticize your title, but because you chose me to review your story, I’ll be as honest as possible.

     Your title thought, it could have been something better. I have nothing against the title you chose; just that it gives away way too much. Just by reading your title the reader can already guess what the story is about. So, what I’m trying to say is that it could have been more…mysterious.

     If you wanted to make your title grammatically correct, you should have written it as “Love Bloomed at a School Trip”. You have to articulate the complement; don’t forget that!

     Another thing, you don’t have to put that “[TWOSHOT]” on your title since you already tagged it with the same tag. But of course, it’s your choice if you keep it or not.

     Anyway, the title suits your story well, but just like I already said, it could have been something more mysterious.

 

 •Description/Foreword: 10/15

     Your description is short, but I’m perfectly fine with this since –I’m going to repeat myself so I’m sorry- your title already says too much about the story.

     “Dara is a girl who finds it discomforting when around guys.” You should have written it as “Dara is a girl who finds it discomforting to be around guys.” First, in the sentence you wrote, you must put a subject after ‘when’ because without the ‘she’ the sentence wouldn’t really make sense. Second, I don’t really like how your sentence sounds. Try to read it aloud and think a bit. That ‘when’ is not the best choice.

     I see you have a question at the end of your description. “Will romance bloom?” – There’s no point in asking your readers such thing since you already mentioned somehow it will. Again, no mystery! Since the reader can already guess how your story will end up, I’m sorry to say this but the only reason somebody may continue reading it is just for find out the details and nothing more.

     In the foreword, you have these words written with capital letters in the middle of the sentence: “In the Spring of My 2^nd Year in high school”. Why did you write them with capital letters? If you wanted to emphasis certain words, you could have made them italic or bold or underline. I don’t find it right to use capital letter in the middle of the sentence if the word isn’t a name or a proper noun.

And the seasons are not written with capital letter unless they start a sentence.

 

 •Plot: 15/25

     The plot is way too common, in other words, cliché. Like I said when I talked about your title, I already had an idea of what was going to happen, and no, my idea wasn’t wrong. Dara is the girl who’s shy around guys; Jiyong is the boy every girl wants. They went to a trip, it happened to be Dara’s first time talking to Jiyong, they spent some time together, fell in love and ended up as a couple. Everything happened as I expected.

 

 •Characterization: 15/20

     Okay, I understand Dara gets nervous when she’s around guys and all, but what’s the reason? It must be a reason behind it, right? Why just around boys, and not around girls, or simply strangers? So, why?

     You said she doesn’t find it comfortable to be around guys, but if you didn’t write this I wouldn’t have actually realized it since most of the girls act like that if guys tell them they’re cute [like Seungri did] or if a popular boy would talk to them [like Jiyong did]. Anyway, I find Dara in your story just an ordinary girl who is lucky enough to have the popular guy Jiyong falling for her. Way too common.

      Jiyong, on the other hand, didn’t seem such a popular guy as you mentioned. Don’t popular guys have girls’ always running, drooling, talking about them? Where were they in your story? Nowhere! Except Dara, Bom and CL, there wasn’t any girl to fangirl over the ‘popular guy’.

      The thing that caught me a bit off guard was the moment Jiyong came in the girl’s room and took Dara away to confess to her. Honestly, I did expect somebody to come –T.O.P. along with Seungri and Jiyong – but not just Jiyong. I also didn’t expect a confession in that moment. But still, I liked he recognized he got jealous even that he didn’t show it in the moment he actually felt like that.

 

 •Flow: 10/10

     The flow it’s okay. Some may say they fell for each other too fast, but I myself believe in love at first sight so I have nothing against this.

     Your writing style was way too…plain. You didn’t put too much feeling in what you wrote and this disappoints me. Authors should make their readers feel the characters’ feelings. From you writing style, I could feel nothing and I’m really sorry to say that.

     Also, you make short sentences that can actually become one sentence if you delete the dot and add a comma between them and this can make readers lose their interest in continuing to read your story since in certain moments it may become boring.  

 

 •Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 7/15

     I don’t like the way you use the verb tenses. It happens often to use present in a sentence, then in the next one past simple, or something else. If you write in the present then just go with the present and don’t switch to another tense.    

     Please, read your story once again and check the grammar. I couldn’t point out all the mistakes since I had to pay attention at what you wrote too, and not just at how you wrote, so again, please read your work one more time. I know, maybe some of your mistakes were made because of the lack of attention, but since you asked for a review you should have checked your story one last time and correct what you think you did wrong.

     I’m very picky when it comes to grammar because I believe it is one of the most important things when you write a story, so I’m going to point out some things I didn’t really like about what you wrote.

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“Bom scolded, her hands on both of her waist.” - I guess you wanted to say “her both hands on her waist.” Bom doesn’t have two waists. Nobody does.

“Dara clasped her hands in front of him.” - him?! I thought she was talking to Bom. Change that ‘him’ with ‘her’.

“She was nervous as hell, thinking that she was beside THE JIYONG” - again, make that bold or italic. No capital letters in the middle of the sentence!

“She knows most girls would kill just to be on her place.” – change to “She knows most of the girls would kill to be in her place.”

“Jiyong asked, closing their distance from each other.” – “Jiyong asked, closing the distance between each other.”

“She scooted farther and stared at him with horrified face.” – “She scooted farther and stared at him with a horrified face.” Articulate, please.

“He said, reaching out his hand and shook it.” – what was he shaking? Dara’s hand! You should have written this since it may become a bit confusing for your readers.

“Unknown to them, the guy beside them was just watching their get-to-know moment.” – I guess ‘without them knowing’ instead of “unknown to them” would have been better.

“She said the moment her got into contact with the bench. Then her thoughts wandered off.” – I think you should have written something like ‘her made contact with the bench' not ‘got into contact’. Why did you start another sentence? Just put a comma after ‘bench’ and continue it with a lower case.

“It was none other than Jiyong!” – it is “It was no other than Jiyong!”

“It exactly looks like him!” – “It looks exactly like him!”

“Jiyong rubbed his nape and looked anywhere but Dara.” – “Jiyong rubbed his nape and looked anywhere but at Dara.”

“Even if you’re so cool and being looked up to by many.” – by many what? You wrote many, then started a new sentence. Once again, read what wrote after you finish your work because some parts can come out confusing. So, by many people, I guess.

“Jiyong’s voice filled her ears. He then took his seat beside her.” – “Jiyong’s voice filled her ears before he took his seat beside her.” Come on! Make longer sentences! It’s something called fanboys [for-and-nor-but-or-yet-so]. Please use them!

“For some reason, I felt relieved.” – she was thinking this in the moment she actually felt relieved, so change the tense to present. “I feel relieved”

“She looked funny, but he stopped himself to laugh. He was thinking of ways how to make her relaxed but couldn’t make up one.” – “She looked funny, but he stopped himself from laughing. He was thinking of a way to make her relax but couldn’t make up any.”

“That made Dara blushed.” – “That made Dara blush.” You already have a past simple verb in the sentence so the next one must be at infinitive.

“Her girlfriends started panicking.” – her girl friends. Girlfriend is a lover; girl friend is a friend whose gender is female.

 

 •Enjoyment: 5/10

     Your story was too plain. I couldn’t feel it. I like stories that make me feel I actually am there, with the characters, feeling what they feel, seeing what they see. You didn’t describe their feelings properly.

     But even that, I liked the ending, and the part with the couples’ pictures. Maybe if I wasn’t a reviewer in the moment I clicked your story, but just a reader, I would have liked it more. If I would have read your story without paying attention to your grammar, characterization and flow, I would have really enjoyed it. But because I had to see your work from a reviewer’s perspective, I really lost my interest after I clicked the second chapter.

     I know it was a two-shot but your chapters were way too long. It makes the reader get bored. You could have made it a chaptered story and you could have also made the chapters shorter. I guess like that it would have been better.

 

 •Reviewers Comment: I am very very sorry if I was too harsh or if I seemed rude in some moments. I mean it. I'm sorry. I'm not this type of person and I don't really use to tell people what to do, but you chose me to review your story and I did my best to show you what you did wrong so that you can avoid doing these things in the future. But I'm going to say it one last time: read your story again and check the grammar! Thank you very much.