I'm afraid

This is my first time writing a blog...actually i don't really know what to say here. I'm not really good in expressing myself with words, funny because i myself is an author...but really i'm not good in writing. I even think of my fanfiction as a failed work. 

Well, the reason why i wrote this blog post is because : I feel lonely. I don't know why i but i feel like people around me started to leave me one by one, each day i found one of my friend drifting away from me. Is it because of me? I kept asking myself.

I'm not good at being all kind and sweet with people moreover with someone that i'm not really close with-my definition of close is someone that i've be-friended with for more than 3 years-. Since i joined fandom-i'm a CassiELF, yes...it's really difficult for me to keep both fandom which constantly having a fanwar each day- i started do drift away from my real life, i meant my family and my non-kpop-related-friends. I started to busying myself with fandom stuff, collecting pictures, following their schedule etc. I feel so obsessed with TVXQ and Super Junior until one of my best friend told me-she's not into k-pop- "You're not who you were anymore, you spent most of your time for that boyband. You should get a life and stop doing whatever you're doing now, it's scary to see you like that" the reason why she said that to me is because i started to change-yes, i admit it-. I was a cool headed-easy going-funny-type of girl but now i become so sensitive and too emotional. I don't realize it until she said that to me and when i finally realized it everything had changed. When i finally open my eyes i found no one beside me, i'm alone and i'm scared.

I've been thinking to stop being in fandom and started to glued all the broken friendship that i got in my real life but now i found it too hard to even start a normal conversation without even connecting everything with korean stuff and it makes me depressed. I used to be a talkative one but now i can't even start a conversation-even with my boyfriend-. Then i run to this virtual world of internet, i go to twitter, facebook all of SNS that i got but again i faced the reality of being alone. Those 'friends' changed, they don't even talk with me anymore, i don't even know what and who they're talking about anymore. I'm scared of being alone. Maybe it's only my insecurities but now i feel so lonely. I'm sorry for this depressing blog post. I just don't know where to spill this thought...i'm afraid no one would want to listen to me*laugh bitterly*

Again, i'm sorry for posting this random-blogpost.

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darkart #1
... [Continued].
We change as we grow, unconscious influences invading our senses. Perhaps you haven't been noticing the changes within yourself and other people and now they seem too overwhelming, coming at you all at once. And yes, that does make us feel lonely. But dear, you are not alone. I'm sure have people who care about you, people who not only trust you but you can trust in return. Have you thought about stepping away from your comfort zone a little? Maybe seeking out someone you can talk to about these feelings in person? I don't want to discourage you from blogging here, that is not what I'm trying to do. But even if is not a friend, but of a family member, a guidance councilor or teacher. Someone who you might feel comfortable with talking to. You'd be surprised the difference another lending ear will make on your mood. And perhaps they can provide better judgment on what your problem really is? I don't know. I wish I could help you more but there is only so much we can do through here. Anyway, I'm sorry if I sound negatively judgmental, I assure you that is not my intention. I can tell you are a sensitive individual and that makes me think of how brave you are to post like this. Don't sulk my dear and SMILE. Keep your chin up and explore the world. It's what it's there for. Fighting!
darkart #2
My dearest,
The problem of feeling alone stems from many issues. It sounds to me like you're friends have noticed a change in you, a change that has to do more with your behavior and personality traits than anything else. On the surface it might seem like they have a problem with your fandom and to some degree, yes that might be true. I can't say much since I don't really know you but I sympathize with you. I understand that feeling of loneliness like the other people who've responded to you. However, I don't think your problem is all completely a fault of your fandom. When we feel lonely, don't we seek something that provides us with comfort? Something simple, within our reach and perhaps liked by others? We seek such comfort as a coping mechanism. Maybe that is what fandom is to you.
maknaecomrade #3
just to let you know, you still have friends here who is part of the fandom to support you... :) it happens to everyone i believe... but the way is not to quit the fandom but to have self control... :) i do think that you can try make your friends understand about your favorite boy bands too... :) hwaiting!! ^^ dun feel down yeah...:)
riku_chan #4
Hi dear, please don't feel lonely. Many people out there actually have the same thought as you.

I, myself, become a Cassie for almost three years. In that years, I lost some friends but also gain some. If your real life friends complaint about your interest in k-pop, how about show some interesting thing in k-pop, so both of you could get along well^^? I've experienced it myself, and now my friend almost totally into k-pop... If that's not work, maybe you could just go out with your friends, do stuff together, hang out, have fun together, spend some time with them. It doesn't mean you have to leave your fandom, right?
The key is, time manage...
I've tried to manage my time, between work, study, hang out with my friends, write fics, follow some news about them for almost one year now and I admit it's hard (and tired also!) I lacked of sleep for some nights, but both of my worlds could be balanced by that.
About start a conversation, when you start spend time with them, you'll find yourself could talk like usual with them. Just act like yourself^^ If you used to be a talkative one, I bet you'll find it back in no time. :D
Hwaiting ne~~~

PS. : Hope you could cheer up a bit. I'm not sure if my words could help, but I do hope you could get what you want and what you like^^
Kimbab_ssi #5
Hmm... what can I say, we're in the same boat. I can feel and understand how you feel. Because the same things happened to me. Yeah, most of people (like us) who already drift into this fandom will not realize how obsess we'd become if we don't have a strong self-refrain. Until someone spill it to us, then a realization comeback. Like in my case, I keep busying myself with other work than doing fandom stuffs, so that make me become preoccupied and forgot a little about k-pop world (not totally though). And yeah, we also need to make some move. Approach back those friends that gapping away from us even it feel hard, but just keep trying. Since we know part of it caused from our own fault that had drifting away from them without we realize. They will understand it soon when seeing how you’re trying hard to be your real self again. Don't worry; you're not alone in facing this kind of dilemma. =)

P/S: I'm sorry if my words confusing you more, since I'm also not good in playing with words to express myself. ^^ And I'm not a good adviser since myself also not perfect. Hope you'll feel better! =)
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