Let me start of this review by introducing myself. I’m Whytheglumface, or you can call me Steph. *^^* I’m here to just offer you friendly advice regardingyour story which you’ve humbly requested for me to review. Please do not take any criticisms as an insult, but as an opportunity to improve your story. I apologize in advance if I have offended you in any way.

First Impression Section

 

 

 Title [4/5]

Oho. A very comical title, I must say. If I happen to casually browse through many EXO-dedicated fan-fictions, I’ll definitely check out yours, anticipating to have a good laugh. Also compliments the twist of the story. You have been deducted one mark for failing to embark a lasting impression.

Foreword/Description [5/10]

I, for one, found it to be quite a nice change to see the creative presentation of your description. My complaint is the unnecessary, extensive background story of Isabella. Frankly, from first impression, she is a Mary Sue that are often seen in thousands and thousands of fan-fictions, which is nothing new and hands down, boring. “Regular” is also a very poor way to describe any person’s, especially the protagonist’s lifestyle. Regular is a way of describing something in broad aspects, done usually in describing 10 or more people, grouping them as one. Isabella has a flat personality, and just judging from the description/prologue, may need a ton of characterization tweaking.

Placing etc. is not really not the clever thing to do. So is “so on” or “so forth”. Really, you can’t any lazier than that. I’ve read some previous reviews of your story, and I feel guilty to say that my opinions completely differ from theirs. The description has been very revealing, and I, for one, would return to the previous page after coming across your weak description. No surprises here. Girl is rich. Girl is typical. Girl comes from another country. Girl will be returning to Korea. Though that is a pretty harsh way of stating things; bluntly, I already get a feel of what is come in the upcoming chapters. I suggest you rethink your plot as a whole, and try to input some creative story aspects made truly from your own, and not just reword the cliché storyline everybody here seems to enjoy.

Graphics [5/10]

Your story is quite the fluffy one, so I’ve rewarded you with 5 points for graphics that enhanced the genre of the story. However, I found the BG to be quite… bland. The poster itself is not very eye-catching, with no special effects or blending done whatsoever. I am not an expert when it comes to graphics, but the effort that you may have seemingly placed in the graphics are unseen, and it may be a downer for your readers. Consider redesigning your graphics, or request one from a shop. I cannot guarantee that the results will be rewarding, but it’s worth the shot, right?

Sub-total: 14/25

 

Creation Section

 

 

Originality Storyline/Plot: [20/30]

Let me state firstly that I was jaw-dropped at the improved writing with your first chapter. If you have written with a little bit more detail and spiced things a bit for your foreword, I wouldn’t be so reluctant on reviewing this. Though it’s not particularly my way of wording things, at least it was a nice change.

 As for the emotions that Isabella has experienced, call me detached, but I found it difficult to sympathize with her. Describing her disappointed feelings quite a bit more extensively may be a solution.

Now, in the foreword, you’ve mentioned her fan-girling over boy bands. In the first chapter, however, you’ve stated that, yes, she has been a fan of boy bands, but I get the feeling that she apparently detests her arrival in Korea. I’m not really getting the gist here. The question comes down to this: is she or is she not a fan of Kpop? But you have not specifically stated that she like or even knew Kpop boy bands, so I shall not elaborate on this nit-picky issue I’ve found.

Descriptions about her surroundings were done good though.

Revealing the problem of the story through dialogue makes me face-palm and head-desk myself in cringing mode. Suggestion: Isabella attending an audition. That would be a safe, neat way of revealing the rising action.

First chapter was a very fast-paced and actually served to be an interesting way of introducingyour story to your readers. It was sort of funny.

Second chapter: Now, firstly, I apologize for stating earlier about the flat characteristics Isabella seemed to have. A transformation from a cliché, flat character to a blooming, sarcastic protagonist. Thumbs up. I love love love love love Laia’s character. You don’t see it that kind of attitude very often in AFF. So, well done in that aspect. Being promoted to a higher status and elegant school isn’t all too original. I found this storyline to be somewhat used in a manga, though your writing style is, expectedly, quite a bit better compared to other stories who are just written for “fan-girling/squealing” purposes.

Third chapter was alright.

Fourth chapter: overload of sarcasm. But truthfully, your story is really refreshing. Your sense of humor may not appeal to others, but I couldn’t help but chuckle at some punch lines that the strong, defined characters brought. It seems like all the characters are hard-headed and wild, so you can include a weakling to spice things up.

I find that Isabella’s way of persuading her parents to return her to Italy to be over-the-top and unreasonable, but I guess that’s just how mischievous and a troublemaker her character is.

 

Grammar/Vocabulary/Language: [15/20]

Minimal but noticeable errors.

Chapter 1

I sat on a godforsaken chair and grimaced as each, awkwardly oversized person at my side fidgeted and moved in order to get comfortable in their seat. 

…Who in the world taught you to curse like that?

“We’re here!” my father said with exaggerated happiness.

My mother only laughed,

I was still confused.

My soul was yanked out of my body as I took my stance in anger.

“This is too much,”

“And who in the world taught you to stereotype people like that?”

Victoria Secrets.  (Mentioning the store’s name is plenty enough.)

“Wait. Kai hyung, who’s that person behind you?”

“Shut up! It was just for a dare,” he fought back.

I will not go through the great length of correcting all of your punctuation errors, which is by far, the greatest downfall of your writing. I suggest you reread your previous chapters and edit those careless mistakes. I also see the tendency of you including Korean phrases, such as, “hyung” “umma” and so forth. I understand that the majority of AFF readers are K-pop fans and will have no difficulties whatsoever with grasping what you are saying, but I strongly suggest editing those out. It’s actually quite unprofessional. Try sounding out the following: “Chukhae!” vs. “Congratulations!” Do you see the difference? “Congratulations” makes a greater impact. Edit them out. However, my suggestions are nothing but persuasions, and it’s all up to you to change these flaws if you see their importance.

Flow of story [5/5]

Fast-paced, and it’s suitable for this rivalry-love-esque story.

Sub-total: 40/55

 

Bonus Section

 

 

 

Characterization [7.5/10]

As I have stated thoroughly above, I truly admire the portrayal of the characters, especially Laia’s. It would be nice to see some contrasting personalities within the characters instead of just characters merely bombarding with attitude though.

Style of writing [10/10]

Really suitable to Isabella’s predator-like personality. Writers tend to forget that their way of writing a first-person fan-fiction greatly affects a character’s personality. It would be totally cringe-worthy to see a gangster guy speaking in an analytical, observant style.  Of course, it will be an exception if that was intended. So I’m glad that you haven’t fallen into this abyss… just yet. I kid. Anyways, your writing style somewhat exceeded my expectations based on the foreword, so it was relieving to see some improvement or rather, a transformation with your writing. I emphasize that you rewrite the description altogether to attract more readers.

Format and Layout (Neatness) [5/5]

You’ve easily achieved high marks for this category. That’s somewhat a given though, for there is an “enable reader mode” option, which, I didn’t click. So yes. A job well-done, mate!

Overall Enjoyment [8/10]

Considering the fact that this has been my first review after my God only knows how long of a hiatus in reviewing, it was a real treat for me. My impression is somewhere in the middle ground; not completely wowed but not completely bored either. I apologize for being lenient with this review. It’s just real difficult for me to awaken my strict nature, because, frankly, strictness really isn’t my forte.  Minimal flaws, which mostly is the involvement of the description/graphics. Fix those, and you’ve got a superb story at hand!

Sub-total: [30.5/35]

Total: [84.5/115] or 73%

Bluntly, I was really reluctant of rewarding you with such a high overall mark, but I found no reason not to. Had lots of fun reviewing this. I also apologize for misusing some words in this review. The sentence-structuring might be off here and there, but I gave it my best shot. Bye!