You'll always be in my heart even if you're gone...I'll miss you... TT.TT
I hate you...
Remember how we met?
I thought it was the most unfortunate day of my life. You might be wondering why I'm saying this, but if I would be honest, that's the truth. If you we would go back to those days...what is it, four, five years ago?...I want to laugh, but I just can't. Anyway, I used to think that you were very annoying. It was the day of the inter-school debate seminar and you still had it in you to fool around. Well, you were really smart and you didn't have to rehearse your lines. They just come spontaneously, right? I was intimidated by you by then because you spoke so well and no matter where what angle I tried to argue, you would come up with a better rebuttal. You're a jerk on the floor during debate, but you're just a goofball behind that intelligent facade. You used to tease me and at times, you unconsciously insult me and I got hurt a lot for trying to think of better comebacks, but I just can't. You always won. From that day on, you've proved to me that you'll always be my rival, the person I'll never beat. Remember that? For that, I hated you.
One day, you just changed. Suddenly you're very attentive. You see to it that I'm fine. You make sure I'm not thirsty or hungry whenever we hung out. You saw to it that I had an umbrella when I go out and it's about to rain. You told me little details in my life that I already know about. You told me to take care of myself as if I was stupid enough not to know that, but I realized that you just suddenly cared to much. You're right again. For that, I hated you.
Then you told me you loved me. I was filled with questions. Can jerks really love? Were you capable of it? I don't know what your basis was, but do you remember what you told me? You said you just did and you didn't know why either. You didn't have any reason. You never told me. Up until now, I wonder why. I wonder what you saw in me - imperfect, I'm not even pretty or rich, i'm not stupid, but i wasn't as smart as you are. I envied you for being capable of doing such a thing without having to rationalize or find reason. You weren't certain, but you did it anyway. For that, I hated you.
I'm really stupid, you know. I've learned through time that I didn't want any commitment. You know me. I hated it. I had previous relationships before you, but they were all a waste of time but I never really felt sorry for having to end them. I knew that nothing would last forever, but I was still scared of losing important matters in my life. It's as if I expected things to be with me forever, even my toys when I was young. Remember how I told you that I'd still wonder where my old things have gone even when I don't need them anymore? Still, I agreed to be with you. It's your fault. For that, I hated you.
Through our first two months, I must admit that I was never into you. You're my boyfriend. So what? If you're there then you are, but if you're not around, then it's fine with me. I didn't look for you, neither did I long for you. Remember how that changed? Two months into our relationship, your family had a reunion and guess what. You invited me. I was moved by that, but what made me fall for you was the fact that you introduced me to each and every member of your family as the person you'll marry. I felt so good when they all accepted me regardless of who I was and where I came from just because they were happy you found someone to love. They're that fond of you. I envied you for that because I never felt that kind of affection. For that, I hated you.
So I fell in love with you, the very first person I could honestly admit that I loved apart from my family and friends.Still, I had been such a bad girlfriend to you. Remember "Religious"? I hung out with him in the morning and I came back to you every afternoon. I knew you were jealous and I took pride in that and continued with what I was doing. I was bad and beyond that, but you were always understanding. You never got angry with me, you didn't even tell me to stay away from him and you never resented me for it. I thought you were stupid to have put up with me. He's just my friend, but you were just too understanding to a fault. For that, I hated you.
Then one day, you started being sick. You didn't want go to the doctor then, right? I had to urge your aunt to do it and then, as if life loved to play with us, you were diagnosed with Leukemia. I was distraught, but do you remember how I never cried. The way you bawled and hugged my knees in despair is still clear in my mind. I still feel my eyes tearing up whenever I remember that. I knew I had to be strong for you the moment you told me, but then, inside I felt like dying. When you told me that, I saw a lot possibilities I didn't like at all. It hurst so much watching you cry while I had to hold my tears back because I wanted to be the one you would lean on to. Though I wanted to cry buckets, I can't. I'm sorry if I looked like an unfeeling jerk back then, but I just had to. I didn't want to cry because you told me you hated seeing me down. I'm so sorry.
Back then, I was already afraid of losing you, but your parents had to take you with them to L.A. so they could look after you. I got depressed then. You were sick and far away and I was left with nothing to do but to wait for you to come back and tell me that you're well and then one day, your mom told me that you were in a coma. Do you have any idea how that felt? I was thousands of miles away from you. I couldn't even be at your side. It was so painful. I hurt even now just thinking of that, but in a twist of fate, you made it through. After all those countless days of worrying and wondering if I'll ever get to see you again, I got what I wished for. You came back to me.
I loved you more when your cousin told me that I was the first person you looked for when you woke up. I was overwhlemed with joy. We made it through. You got well. We stayed together, but ironically, we were far apart, separated by miles, but I was happy that you were well and that I still had you, but after a few years, things turned out for the worse. We broke up.
We both moved on, but you never failed to show me how much you treasured me. Believe me, I loved you more than I thought I was capable of, but things just had to turn out bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry everything. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for being so full myself and considering my feelings only. I'm sorry, Keith...
We became friends, good ones. You were really an odd sort to have accepted my proposal of friendship despite of everything. Because of you, I don't want to get married. I said we've moved on, but they're mere words...I guess we never really did, because if that's true then I would be feeling this way. I'm miserable because of you, I think I have to go to a psychologist to cure me, but now I've realized what they meant when they said hat you can never bring a mirror back the way it used to be once it breaks. You might have all the pieces, but you'll spend time picking them all up again and in the process, you will get hurt. Such is the balance of nature, but I couldn't accept it.
Last February, we fought. You were sick again and I didn't know that. I'm so sorry for all the things that I said to you back then. If I could take them back, I would, but now, all I could do is apologize and you wouldn't even hear me. You can't. Not anymore. I was just wondering why you were able to fight your illness back then for more than a year and now you've just decided to give up.
I know. It must be painful, but I can't understand why you didn't have the will to fight anymore. It hurts me so much that I couldn't even be there for you. It's eating on me that we had to end up just like this, but I didn't have the strength to get back together with you knowing that you're sick. I could only support you from afar. Do you know how much I hate myself right now? I'll forever hold this grudge against myself because of you. Why didn't you fight back? If not for me, for your mom and dad. You know you're they have and they really, really loved you, but why did you have to give up?
You promised me we'll see each other again last month, right? Where is that now? I told you to get well and come back to me, but you never kept your end of the deal. Now I'm alone. I can't even find comfort in thinking that you're finally painless. I might sound selfish to you, but I hate you for leaving like this. Do you know what it would do to your mom or your dad? Damn it, I don't even know what to feel anymore. You're gone and do you know what I'm doing? I'm being pathetic writing too many words for someone who wouldn't get to read them.
I'm sorry being such a cry-baby, ranting like this. I know you wouldn't want me to be crying, but I just can't help it. I hate the fact that I couldn't be with you in your final moments. You should have waited for the operation, silly. Maybe then, we'd still have a chance to see each other.
Then again, I'll be strong. I know that's how you'd want me to carry on with my life, right? But, you're so silly. Of all the things you would forget, you forgot to tell me how. How, Keith? I'm even talking to myself now, waiting for you tell me, but you won't. You took too many things with you, things that are supposed to complete me, things that would help me sleep at night. Haha! Now I think I'm going to ask myself over and over again because you're not there to answer.
I'm crying again and I'm so sorry, but wherever you are, please know that I'll be thinking of you and you'll always be in my heart. No one will take your place in there. It's just you and there's no room for anyone else. I know you want me to be happy, but I'll forever bring this burden with me.
Thank you. I want to thank you. I wish I could have said this to you personally, but you've provided with so much love and care, happiness and joy more than you realize. I could never find any reason to hate you even if you're making me feel like dying now. Than you so much for merely existing. Thank you for fighting for us. No words can express how much I appreciate the fact that you've become a vital part of my life. For all the things I resented about you, I came to love a special person I could never ever forget. You've played that role, Keith and you always will. I'll always go back to that fortunate day when I met you.
I love you, Pierre Keith Gabrielle Avelleda!!! Rest in peace...
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