I thought that I could ship them forever but somehow it's starting to hurt. I've been having wonderful dreams about JaeMin but when I wake up I burst back into the reality, and in the end all of my dreams are not real.

It hurts whenever I try to write a romantic scene about them now because I wish that it would come true someday. But I shouldn't do that because it's selfish, and I should wish for them to have happy and normal lives.

It hurts because there's JYJ and TVXQ. Now they're worlds apart even though they live in one country and one world. There are so many boundaries and borders between those two that it hurts.

I'm not speaking as a JaeMin shipper but I'm saying this as an OT5 believer. It pains me that I learned about DBSK when they were already separated, and it pains me more because the settlement between the two sides is not yet finished.

I want to leave the shipping world and delete all my fics. But I shouldn't just make this kind of decision when the pain is too overwhelming. I've already deleted my livejournal account, and I guess my AFF account is next.

Maybe I just need a breather from all these things. Maybe I'm just stressed and everything in me is getting all whirled and emotional. Maybe I just need time for myself.

I love JaeMin when they're a couple and it hurts. And I know this love is real because of the pain. It wouldn't be this painful if I don't see them as something I love. Oh well.

Whatever is about to come will happen. And if you see my account as deactivated.... I may never come back.