It's really hard to believe....It doesn't feel like it's been as long as it has yet it also feels at the same time that it's been such a small amount of time since it happened.....

 I'm venting on my friends again, I know I'm sorry. But this has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I just recently broke down, on the 4th of July no less, because I had kept my feelings in for so long about it. I acted like I was alright. I acted as if what happened didn't need to show on my face. I acted like what happened shouldn't make me concerned and I should focus on other things at hand. But even me, who's sometimes queen at holding things in, have to break down eventually.

 In all honesty, I just want to cry my eyes out because of what happened... I feel so guilty and adorned with stupidity and dumbness for what I didn't do but should've... A special day is coming up in about a month and a half and it's really gotten me thinking since it's coming closer and closer to the day now. I should've been better. I should've cared more for what was going on. But I chose the wrong road and look where I ended up now... Alone and crying. Wishing everything could be restored to normal.

 It's true that what I got out of it could be classified as a better life but of course I still miss what I used to have. My life has done almost a complete 180 flip from how it used to be and because of my supposedly "strong and mature attitude", I managed to press through the rough time. Everyone around me commented on how strong I was acting when in reality, underneath my calm and cheerful facade, I'm crumbling.

 I don't often like to show my emotions off to people, especially those who are trying to comfort me at the moment, but at some point in everyone's life they have to let their feelings burst. It's not good if you keep it in.

 But at the same time, I feel conflicted because I should be happier now. How I used to live was hellish and not ideal. Yet again, I always at some time or another, feel myself yearning to go back to my old lifestyle. I miss everything so much and being alone through it was even worse.

 I guess you could say I'm trying to make this little rant here sound like a sob story but in all truth, it came out pretty good on my part. Just what I did before all this happened is what kills me. This last words will always sting and stay in the back of my mind for as long as I shall live.

 "Shut up.".....

 And that's what I'll always remember it by.....

[a/n, I'm sorry if none of this makes sense to you but if you're one of the people who've I've told about my story, then you'll know what I'm talking about.]