/promises I won't spam you with blog posts

/immediately makes a blog post

Sorry, I'm an . Won't post another one for a while to make up for it. I'm just making this to say that I'm on... hiatus? I mean, not really. I'm still going to be updating, just... really, REALLY slowly. This post isn't looking for pity or anything. I Just wanna give a reason as to why I'm updating at the pace of a sloth. 

Um, I'll make it brief I guess. Recently I haven't been feeling great. My depression's taken a turn for the worse and I've started self-harming again after not doing so for months. I've been kind of locking myself up and not talking to anybody. It's gotten so bad that my mom had to call the school and essentially tell them I was falling apart so I could get an extension on all my assignments. I don't have the energy to get out of bed or eat anymore, let alone do work. I've gotten increasingly worse over the past few weeks and I'm kind of on a suicide watch. My mom isn't letting me go out and she's keeping a close eye on me, which works out pretty well, seeing as I'm too depressed to go outside anyway. She's panicking a bit, which is understandable. I did try to kill myself three years ago. Actually, almost four years now. Wow. It's really been a long time. 

I've been throwing up a lot lately, which is something I do when I'm really upset. (TMI?) My body just feels like awful. Everything hurts. Moving hurts, breathing hurts, blinking hurts. I get chest pains because of all the anxiety. It takes me hours upon hours to get anything done because my mind feels cloudy. Things just aren't working properly. I don't know how to explain it, so I'll just move on. 

Now, that's not the reason I've been updating slowly. Writing is one of the few things I enjoy, or at least mildly tolerate. I've just gotten so behind on many assignments that I have to go in overdrive this week to finish all of them, and study for exams on top of that. Also, I'm going to China in two weeks, so I'm writing a bunch right now so I can update the month that I'm away. I can barely go on a computer while I'm there, let alone write, so I'm getting all of that done now. 

This was not as brief as it was supposed to be. I've rambled. Well, I might as well keep going. 

I'm not allowed to see my therapist at all because of the China trip. I'm going with a program, and I have to tell them if I'm currently seeing someone. I was already skating on thin ice when I told them I used to see a therapist a few years ago. Basically if I'm considered a danger to myself or to other people, they can rescind my offer and not allow me to go. And I'd rather risk these two weeks without her than have that happen. 

Oh my god I'm rambling 

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore

I'm not the type of person to sit in a circle and hold hands and talk about my feelings so this is REALLY weird for me, but I feel like I owe it to you guys to at least explain. 

Things have been... uh... not great for me. I'd like to say that they'll get better but I honestly don't know. I'll try and get my together, I really will. But if I disappear from AFF... um... I think you can guess what happened. I'll have a friend make a blog post if it really comes to that, though. And honestly, I don't want people telling me not to do it or that there's more to life or whatever because I already know that. I freak out and do rash things sometimes. If it happens it happens, and that's all there is to it. Now, a month, a year, it's going to happen sometime or other. And it might be now, and that's okay. I like to think of it like this. Gelisi had a problem, so he just had to leave. And that's not a bad thing. It's just fixing a problem, and that's okay. We all fix our problems in different ways. 

I'm going to shut up now. I hope none of you actually read this, because this is pathetic and embarrassing and essentially word diarrhea. If you did just read it, I'm sorry for that. I'm sure that decreased your IQ somehow. 

Don't ask me to update. I will update, I swear, just be patient with me.