I feel so bad when I remind myself that I want to delete my story when I am in depression. It just so bad that I feel like giving up everything I am doing. It just that, I am a weak girl in my heart and I can’t handle it when one by one, my dream is shattered to piece and problems come to me, falling one by one and I had no one I could really trust around me. It is so lonely and I am a dreamer. Everything I want I write and when I am sad I write but this time I just feel so bad and pathetic that I feel like crying. I just went skip school today and I can’t go to school. I am afraid I will get a nervous breakdown in my class. It is so horrible to feel that everyone looking at me as weak and crybaby but that is who I am inside.

For everyone outside there, the one that really know me. I am the one they can talk their secret to me and the one they can lend my shoulder went they are sad. I am the brave one among them but in the same time I am the most sensitive one, which is why I can understand every sadness because I can imagine myself in someone place and try to comfort them but when I am facing my own reality, all my sadness. Everything that I have been denying, I just scare. Scare to face it, all my sadness my anger. Everything I hide. It makes me scare suddenly. Scare to tell the world around me what I am dealing.

Ji Eun in Blue Sky is myself. How I would scare sometimes at everyone around me. I feel like running away. I calm a bit when my dad shout at me yesterday saying that I am always alone. I never want to trust anyone and keeping everything to myself and get wasted like this anytime I hit my nerve. He say that I always have so much friends around but I would never hang out with them whenever I need my space, It just it feel bad whenever I need to be alone or I would end up pushing myself with a plastic smile. I don’t always like to be alone. It just sometimes I feel tired or I feel not in mood. I like to look around and stay still. It’s been years since the last time I become like this. The last time I feel like I want to end my life. But that time I had few person I love so much around me. The sisters that I loved so much. They guide me making me the one that is childish once again, the happy me. The one that is braver than me right now. I am immature and I got lost easily. But this the pathetic me right now. I feel like I lost all my dream, my hope and my brave mask have been ripped away harshly from my face that I have nothing to cover my pride, every dark secret I hide. I am just scare and I don’t have no more mask to be out there. I need time to heal myself. I need time to come out and face people around me.

This is just ridiculous.

I never ever skip school and yesterday I plead to my dad so he can bring me home. I just wanna go home for a while. I don’t care if I have to skip school. At least I can hide myself in my room and my little sibling don’t really know what I am having right now. I am the always cruel older sister and I feel bad if I had to show them how weak I am but I am more scare to have a nervous breakdown around my new friends.

To be in the same place without the same friends is just absolutely horrible. To see the same place with me alone with stranger feel so bad.

To see the illusions of the soothing smile of a dear friends in the place we always stay together just make me feel bad. I feel so crazy.

I don’t post this thing out at my real blog out there. I hate to have my bestfriends to know what I am dealing here without them. I just need time. And post it here instead. I hate diaries. I can’t trust diaries in case someone found it and read it.. I am the worse person when I am having depression and now I am making my parent worried at me. I think I should go back to school but I still can rid this lump stuck in my throat. Its hurt and Its hurt to even eat something.

If I am in school, I can put a pokerface on my face but whenever someone bring it up. I am vulnerable. right now.

I always act like a child with everything around me cause I always know the mature me is just so vulnerable.

My childish is what I am and mature side is always my self too but we help each other grow but this time i feel like i lost my twins my cheerful side. I lost it and I don't know how to regain that piece of myself back...

I want few weeks ago myself. I want to be that a normal person I always be. Feel like I am losing my self. I already lose my control.

I cried in my class. I cried in front my dad, pleading him to get me home.... I skip  school today...

This is just not me. I really hope in a year when i read this blog back. I am not the person who wrote this anymore...

I want to move on.