Who’s my Boyfriend? (Review only up to Chapter 2)

Let me start of this review by introducing myself. I’m Whytheglumface, or you can call me Steph. *^^* I’m here to just offer you friendly advice in your story which you’ve humbly requested for me to review. Please do not take any criticisms as an insult, but as an opportunity to improve your story. I apologize in advance if I have offended you in any way.

Title: (5/10) Does the title suit with the story?

For now, I can’t say.  I’m doing each section as I scan your story. Though it’s somewhat eye-catching, it just doesn’t do it for me. What I have to appreciate though, is the fact that you haven’t capitalized the ‘my’ in your title. Well done in that aspect. Though, yes; including the band’s name in the title is a quick get away to attract Kpop fans searching for their biased group, but I also like to treat fan-fictions as something that the author has put a lot of effort into and something he/she enjoys doing. If I was browsing through Boyfriend fan-fictions, I sure wouldn’t click this link. I scan read and could care less about fan-fictions just merely clogging up the fan-fiction population. Everything’s about first impression, remember. I’m quite unsure of your writing level, but please consider re-thinking over your title.

Poster/Background (6/10) Comments on graphics.

I guess you can say that this is another set of disappointment. Though it has that quirky, outgoing vibe, the poster just didn’t do it for me. Nothing about it was alluring. The background as well was not self-personalized. Please take the time to make your fan-fiction as attractive as possible visual-wise.

Foreword/Description (12/20) Is the foreword accurate and give details about the story?

Characters: I would’ve preferred you placing the names of the OCs instead of solely stating ‘OC’. It’s easier for the readers to recall the characters that way.

Description: It gave me an insight of the story, which is well done. It was short and sweet, and it was enough for me to grasp the plot. It didn’t spill the beans, but it didn’t make the story a big, fat mystery either.

Foreword: Oh dears. If you have read my previous reviews/blogs, I’ve mentioned countless times that I detest Character profiles. You have ranted on about the character and described them as if only one or two make up the entire human being. There’s more to people that meets the eye, friend. I suggest you make a character list instead. Mention the characters along with pictures if you desire to do so. No character profiles. The characters can solely be unveiled as the story unfolds. It’s unnecessary and makes a story less interesting. Your writing level seems to be medium-scaled, which I cannot offer advice to. Read more books, seek the dictionary’s presence more... that’s all I can say.  I’m already feeling aghast to read on for the sake of this review. Please, if you intend to attract a wider audience, follow my suggestions.

Plot: (20/30) Is it an original plot line? Was the plot clear and easy to understand?

Chapter 1: There was no sense if excitement for me. This seems like a very typical fan-fiction, and I found it to be dull and uninteresting. If you have focussed on one love story of a member, then it wouldn’t be such a hassle understanding every single relationship. I suggest that you improve your writing style by reading more books, and discover original inspirations regarding your story.

Chapter 2: I was fascinated with Sun Hi’s talent. Now THAT’S something creative. I guess I found the JeongKwang coupling amusing.

I only do short reviews like this if I hadn’t quite find it to be entertaining. That is laziness on my behalf. But I’m afraid that I will offend you more if I continue on. Nothing has enlightened me to enjoy the story at all. It was unoriginal. Readers enjoy reading a writer’s creativeness on their work. That’s the reason we read books anyway. I suggest that you include more problems in your upcoming chapters (Hopefully, you have.) This seemed like a fairy tale every fan-girl has been dreaming of, which is a shame. AFF authors, in my perspective, only add in the idol’s partake in a fan-fiction to create a melodrama out of it. Not everything is based on hard, real life facts, and that is something readers can appreciate more.

Grammar/Spelling: (12/20) Are there any grammar/spelling mistakes?

Description: The company forces them to be guests on a variety show with their label mates, Boyfriend . Romance starts to spark between both groups.

Chapter 1: "I hope not too long." Sunhi said getting into the seat beside her. I’m assuming that you do not place your commas after each “ “, so I will not go through the whole length of mentioning all of your comma errors. Don’t place periods. It is incorrect. You see, this is another criticism. Edit, edit, edit! Careless mistakes like these make the impression on readers that you are quite lazy to correct your errors, which is a shame and a turn-off for them. Ask a friend who’s willing to edit for you! It will make my and your life a breeze. I’m sorry for saying such harsh words, but I tend to be strict when I see a lot of errors that can be improved. Being straightforward is my nature, after all.

"Now it's time to introduce your partners on the show. Come on out!"  Spelling errors, punctuation errors, capitalization errors. When someone is emphasizing something, don’t place capitalizations on their dialogue. Very unprofessional. Yet again, I will assume repetitive error like this will appear numerous times, so I suggest you shoo-shoo and edit your chapters.

Enjoyable-ness (3/5) Did I find the story enjoyable?

I don’t think I have to mention anything here. Boredom was the word that striked me. It wasn’t that I found it dull; just very faulty.

Flow: (2/5) Did the story move too fast or too slow?

Too slow. Needs more action-packed happenings.

Bonus: (3/5) Was the story just great? Anything specific that caught your eye?

I can reward you points for this since you have created a well-written description.

Total: (63/105) or 60%

Whytheglumface’s Note: Hey there! IF you insist of having me review this story as a whole, then please don’t be afraid to request so I may do so. *^^* Please don’t bash on me; these are merely my honest feelings regarding your story. Don’t be afraid to drop by a message by my wall. I apologize in advance if I offended you, which I probably did. >< Okie dokie! Sayonara!