Okay. It's been so long since I've been in this site and I still haven't finished any chapter of the 3 fanfics I'm writing now. I've started new chapters for each but I can't bring myself to finish it. It feels like I'm not in the right condition to continue. And it is a very bad idea to write when you're not in your best mood. It might all turn out as crappy. One crappy chapter could really affect the quality of the whole story. So that's why. But this blog post doesn't have to do with any of it. Actually, it' completely irrelevant. I'm just blabbering whatever since it's already 1:40 in the morning and my mind keeps on flying. So before I say much more non-sense, I'll start.

So 2 minutes ago (yeah, I timed it. Got a problem with that? Kidding.), I was checking my Facebook which I do almost once in a blue moon these days (blame Twitter). And I saw on my news feed an album of photos of my bestfriend's (when I was in high school) and former circle of friends having their get-together. And I felt a pang of jealousy and regret. Not because of the fact that they went out without inviting me. Because even if they did, I won't be able to go since I'm spending my holidays at a faraway place. No, not Narnia. Sorry to disappoint. Korea? No, not even there. I'm still having a prayer vigil for that. Ugh. Me and my crazy mind. Anyway, as I was saying, It wasn't because I wasn't invited. It was because of the fact that I know I will never be invited. .

Well, it started when I was in 4th year high school (which was 2 years ago), when I was undergoing the peak of the so-called 'teenage crisis'. No, it's not the typical rebellion or something of that sort. I was a good girl. At least to my parents' eyes. Mwehehe. Anyway, the teenage crisis I'm talking about is one of those moments that I felt too sensitive and emotional that prompted me to act impulsively. And because of it, I felt like I did one of the most stupid things in my life.

I had a circle of friends which was composed of 3 girls, excluding me, and 2 boys. We started being together since we were third year. But the 2 girls though, were already my close friends ever since I transferred to that school, which was during my sophomore year. But one of the 2 was my bestfriend. She was someone I really cherished, and vice-versa. We really got along so well that we became sisters. Her mom indirectly adopted me. Giving me food, occasionally having sleepovers at their house, ending each others' sentences, having fun. But suddenly, my classmate, whom I'd always share a tensed atmosphere with, became very close with my other friends and also became a part of our group. It was nothing to me. I was actually the one who offered her to become an official part of our circle. You know, high school stuff. And there we were. It was all smooth sailing at first. Until my 2 girls, who were fun and quirky and who didn't care about boys at first, started spending each time talking about boys. And yes, I know who was behind. This caused the rift between me and them. Why, you ask? Because the least thing you'd expect me to do, except for the mortal sins, is to look around for boys and squeal when a cute one passes by. I'm not a lesbian, just to put it on record. I'm sooo straight but I just don't get it why I'd waste time searching for a potential boyfriend. So because of that, I'd be left behind on their talks and I'd just stay silent. Which made me feel uneasy and not me. Yes, it might come off as an attention-seeker and such which I'm aware I am but not in THAT sense. I just love to talk more. Well, I tried listening to their stories, hoping that I could catch up but their topic just makes me scoff and I couldn't be more uninterested. So I started to join another circle of friends which I'm really close to, too. And there, I found my niche. All fun and play, no talking about boys. Then I finally told my old friends that I'll no longer be joining them. They tried asking me why but I just couldn't bring myself to say it. And little did I know that leaving them is something I'll regret. Until now.

I tried convincing myself that I've made the right choice. That I did have fun with the friends I chose to be with. That it was all worth it. But the problem is that I can't fool myself to that extent. While I did have fun with the friends I chose to be with, most part of me still longed for the fun I would've had if I were with my old and original friends. Especially with my bestfriend. Until now, I treat her as one. She actually just celebrated her birthday last Wednesday and for some mother-ing reasons, I wasn't able to at least greet her. Not even on Facebook. I really really really miss her. And watching her from afar, I believe we would still be getting along and be able to read through each other's actions and minds. But circumstances right now wouldn't allow us to gain that friendship back anymore. And it's sad. No matter how much I want it to, I know I've caused her too much pain for her to feel comfortable with me again. What they said was true. You really don't know what you have until you've lost it. She was really my bestfriend. I still think of her now as one. The only one, if the true meaning of the word is put into consideration. I want to tell her all these, I want her to be my bestfriend again. But things have been way too complicated to be mended by a single blog post full of regrets. Bestfriendship isn't something you gain upon declaration. There's way more to it than just the name. Well, in fact, we never called each other bestfriends. It just came out naturally. Which is one of the best kinds of relationship. Which I, a stupid creature, just let it go because of some petty issues. It was really shallow to forget a 2-year friendship just because they talked about something you didn't like. Shallow. Stupid. Foolish. Just check the Thesaurus for more words of the same context.

So bottomline is don't go looking at your ex-bestfriend's uploaded photos. Hahahaha! LOL. Kidding aside, if you have a bestfriend whom you shared the best memories with, you're lucky. No. Strike that out. You're blessed. And you'd be one of the biggest fools ever born if after reading this, you just let that kind of person go. You don't want to join our club, do you? Believe me. It . enough to carry those regrets even after 2 long years. And if you think the regrets became lighter as time passed? No. "Time heals everything" is a bull. Why? The sadness of those baggage of regrets I've carried with me just doubled. Or maybe even tripled. And you don't want that for yourself.