By Whytheglumface

Title: (2 /5)

Well, first of all, it isn’t really something that would normally catch my eye. You see, I’m quite the picky reader, and I basically judge the whole story by how well the title makes an impression on me. And, if I was scrolling down for L.Joe fan-fictions, it isn’t one that I would click. Remember, a title sums up the story, which by the way, judging from your foreword, concedes. So I rewarded you points for that. But since how much a title appeals to me is a big chunk on how I would grade your title, I had to deduct marks for that. Another criticism: since the fact that the female lead has the goal to defeat L.Joe, wouldn’t the girl be somewhat... competitive and confident? Yet, you created the title as if the girl feels HOPELESS. I get the impression that this fan-fiction will be written in the lead’s perspective. So, please consider changing the title.

Poster/Background: (4.5/5) Very well done! I like it. I can’t really say anything about it, but since I’m a new reader, and I breezed through your poster. The video game controller kind of caught me off guard. To me, I don’t really see why video games would be something you’d compete over; since in your foreword, you mentioned that L.Joe arrived in the OC’s school. I get the impression that they’d want to compete academic-wise, not video-games wise. So, I deducted you a half-mark for that. 

Description and foreword: ( 0.5/5) 

First of all, don’t feel discouraged by your grade. I will explain. The main character, the LEAD at that... she does not have an appealing personality. Now, does the fact that she is not popular affect the story at all? I think not. Her intelligence as well. Regarding the appearance: If you want to attract a bigger audience with your story, try making your main lead UNIQUE. No one, in my perspective, believes in “Mary Sue” kind of girls. Don’t take this as an insult. Even I myself have trouble keeping my distance from imputing this kind of character in my stories. Everyone has that challenge, so please don’t take this too deeply. As for L.Joe, PLEASE come up with a better synonym other than “mean.” That’s where the thesaurus and dictionary come into play. A writer has to take time AND effort in his/her own stories, whether it’s in AFF or published books. Readers’ interest to uncover the coming-up chapter would quickly diminish with this kind of description. I’ll be yet again nit-picky about L.Joe. You stated that he had to return for his studies after he has pursued towards the music industry. If I’m correct, an idol who hasn’t successfully graduated from high school isn’t legible to SKIP it. So idols, busy or not, have to continue their studies. This is another writer thing: ALWAYS DO RESEARCH. Regarding Teen Top as a whole unit: the describing word you used: “awesome”; is another turn-off for readers. 

Plots: ( 3.5/10)

Mentioning the fact that Roo and the lead have gotten in the honor roll is not important. If you insist on including stuff like these, mention it WITH ACTION. Ex: As we took a lazy stroll in our school, we came pass by the list of the students successfully being recognized for their “intelligence”; the honor roll. That includes us. Something like that, in my opinion, would’ve have been acceptable. The first chapter sounds a bit like a BIOGRAPHY, instead of a story. You sound like as if you are stating the facts to the story STRAIGHTLY, instead of unveiling it, taking your time to develop the characters with actions, not opinions. Get what I mean? The events that happen in this fan-fiction of yours.... it feels so ordinary. You see, if I was to create a fic, I would raise the problem almost immediately. Isn’t that what stories are for? To find answers to their problems? I cannot convey my opinion on this into words. This is too... bland? It almost has no life. 

Chapter 2 poster: You stated that the story was set when Teen Top was a new rookie group. Yet, you used a photo of them promoting their “I’m Going Crazy” single. Isn’t that quite a bit.... contradicting? Yes, I know. It may not seem that important to you, but I bet cha: one perceptive reader of yours will be quick to criticize you with that. 

This story is a very typical high school, romance-themed fan-fiction, so I had to deduct marks for that as well. Now, I’ll be honest: I’ve only scanned through the first few chapters, and honestly felt aghast that I had to read several more chapters. The story just didn’t excite me, that’s all.

Grammar/spelling: (5 /20) 

First chapter: Remove the “I just gotta say” section. Delete “Well, for me anyway.” Second paragraph: Geeks talking about THEIR new gadgets. Just breezing through you chapters... I’ll make the assumption that careless mistakes like these will be repetitive throughout your story. I will not go in depth, but please place the effort of having someone you are acquaintances with proof-read your story. Read in order to grasp other author’s sense of writing style, and learn from them! The line in the first chapter: I didn’t notice that the person was super close to my face now. It sent me the hibbly jibbles. It felt so... restraint? Even though you wrote it in the “you” perspective, it’s more like an “I” perspective. So, I suggest you name the lead. Countless punctuation and capitalization errors. I will not go through the whole length of mentioning them all to you. Please re-read and edit your chapters; though your usage of vocabulary was alright, I guess. I’ve noticed that you like to use little Korean phrases. Don’t do it. At the very least, don’t be constant about it. It bothers readers, and it sounds... awkward? Capitalize Teen Top, please! It is a band name, therefore, it demands capitalization. Simple as that! Another thing: remember to use italics during the thoughts of a character. It makes my life and your readers’ life more pleasant. 

Font: ( 1.5/5)

Please, PLEASE do not change the color font of your text! It is a pain in the for a majority of readers to read. Please! Once you see this, change it immediately if you aim to attract a wide range of readers! Another thing: CHANGE THE FONT SIZE AS WELL. It is WAY too tiny. 

Writing style: ( 10/20)

This somewhat ties in with Grammar/Spelling. All of the comments here are intertwined with the Grammar/Spelling section, so please refer to that. 

Overall: ( 10/20)

It was pretty good! I mean, if you love what you’re doing, and ENJOY doing it, please do continue on with what you are doing. I totally believe that you are capable of making adjustments, so please take this as a challenge, not as an insult. 

Bonus: ( 5/10)

I loved your posters, so I just had to offer you bonus points. 

Total marks: ( 32/100) = 32%

Reviewers’ Note: Hey! Well, I totally wish you luck with your story. I’m sure you will improve if you put the effort of doing so.  Now, this is my first review, so hopefully, I did well.... Please, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to drop by my wall. I’d love to be acquaintances with you, considering the fact that you’re a L.Joe fan. *^^* If I offended you in any way, I apologize in advance. I tend to be straight-forward and very rarely compliment ANYONE, unless they really make an impression on me.  Believe me, I know how it hurts to be criticized like this. I’ve requested tons of reviews from other shops, and all of those reviewers have some things they totally loved, and some which they totally detested. It was painful at first, but I learned to accept their views and tried to improvise my stories to suit their tastes. I hope you’ll do the same. I had a remarkable time reviewing this! Have a nice day. C: