I've always been the type to give it my all. I didn't particularly appreciate doing things half-heartedly. If ever there's doubt or my motive isn't aligning with what I stand for, I take a step back, pause what I'm about to do, check my heart, check my motive--and when I'm finally satisfied with the purity of my intention, I go for it. It sounds righteous and I thought we should always have that resolve. But, this type of perspective has its toll, especially if the situation calls for a fast decision, and postponing just to check your heart isn't gonna cut it. 

The problem with my approach lies in the fact that when I pour, I pour all and I am left empty. I tolerate this by thinking "Yeah I do drain easily but I can gain it back with a snap of a finger" and this is true--when I was younger. Presently, charging and gaining back my energy, passion, and care meet with a lot of challenges. And if you're an adult you would have discovered by now that being objective is the fastest, most convenient, and often easiest solution there is. For someone who constantly uses her heart along with her head puts me at a disadvantage. Here, where I am always scolded for being too soft, too friendly, too naive, too forgiving, and too loving. It clouds my judgment, I become too relaxed, and I let my guard down which could compromise my safety. And most of all, because I care a lot--I couldn't let things slide easily. A problem could easily be fixed with just a formal letter, or the solution can wait because the people in charge are not present, and the problem is not as big as I see it, and what I hear a lot is "You're not always the answer".

I'm not against the people who point out the disadvantages of being the way I am, after all, I understand that it comes in a place of care. But honestly, these statements and feedback would always rock my boat if not turn it over. I would be too caught up with "How can I not notice it? How can I not have thought of it? It's easy, it's common sense, it's easy to understand"  and I'll be in a spiral of "if that's their observation then it might have been my unconscious motive all along". I will be questioning why I did what I did, why I said what I said, and who I am. It . It's constructive criticism aimed to help me and yet here I am hearing other things that were not even said nor the point of the advices given to me.

It had been a conundrum for me since the beginning of time and I can't believe after 26 years I am only finding the answer. "I struggle with boundaries."