I've mentioned in blog posts here before, but i've been paying off a debt. I'm super close to being finished but the last amount I have left to pay has been dragging on for a really long time, longer than it took me to pay off larger portions of the debt. That by itself keeps upsetting me and leaving me feeling both depressed and stressed. A lot of it is money owed to friends that i've done work with, who I care about, so I feel really depressed about paying them late. The whole situation arose from a former friend leaving me to pay for everything on a work project that we were supposed to split costs on, and was her idea to do in the first place. I was already investing more money into it than she was because I thought it was a good project plan, and then she just left me to pay for it all by myself. The fallout from that resulted in me being at a loss of over $50,000 and caused me to be perpetually late on basically everything I have to pay for during the past almost 2 years now. It's been about a year and 10 months that i've been working so hard to get out of debt and not owe money to friends/colleagues.

I had some things happen a few months ago that caused my income to go down drastically for a while so just when I thought I was gonna be finished completely by January or so, that got ripped away from me. And it's felt like no matter what I do or how hard I try some new problem ends up coming up. I feel like i'm constantly being beaten down over and over and over again and i'm so tired..

The last couple of days ended up making things even harder for me. I'm living at a hotel currently and had to pay them an extra $120 for something that happened a few days ago, and then yesterday morning when I went to go make a payment I found out that a $100 bill I'd given them like 2 days ago was apparently fake so I owe them another $100. I'd already paid the $120 on the day that they charged me it, but I guess they put something in their system wrong and just counted it as part of my normal room payments. I share a room with one of my friends so when we went down to pay after that they said we were ahead on our payments more than we thought we were. I didn't think anything of it at the time and thought we'd just miscalculated how much we had paid. But apparently they counted the $120 as part of the room payment at the time.

So now I owe them an extra $220 that I shouldn't have had to owe, and the way they counted it makes me think that I probably paid part of my friend's portion of the room with them miscounting it but i'm not totally sure. So i'm stressed and owe extra money, and on top of that it's been a really slow week for me so i've made a lot less money than usual, i'm guessing because it's the end of the month so things just slow down for a lot of self employed people around this time. If your income is based off of you getting customers the end of the month can be a nightmare.

Until last night I stayed awake for close to 48 hours straight with like a 1 hour nap somewhere on the first day, because I was so stressed and trying to get stuff caught back up so I didn't want to sleep at all until I got more money.

But then even when I did get money and went down to pay I still ended up owing them over $200 because of the $120 charge not being counted correctly the other day. So 2 times in a row I made payments and it felt like I literally didn't get anywhere and still owed the same amount.

It's 6am here now, I took a nap earlier and then woke up around 2am to get back to work because I need to make money, I still haven't though. I basically have to be on standby making posts and looking for customers until I get something which is why I've ended up lacking sleep so much. I got enough rest for now but I still feel completely horrible mentally and even physically.

The hotel had made me and my friend move to a room with only 1 bed a while ago and started charging us more money because this room is technically an upgrade, even though we didn't want to move they literally made us. My friend has her bf with her so they got the normal bed and I had to buy an air mattress to use, and my air mattress has a leak now so for the past week or so i've been waking up with really bad back pain that lasts the entire day. My back hurts right now and there isn't really anything I can do about it.

Plus since I haven't made any money yet still I'm 100% out of food, which has happened a lot. I run out of stuff like food or drinking water way too often. I'm hungry and my back hurts and I just want to pay off the last of my debts so I can stop living like this but it feels like it just never ends.

Earlier this month I thought everything was going well, I paid a lot of stuff off the first and second week of the month, but then it slowed down and now i'm back to feeling like i'm 5 seconds away from being homeless or losing my storage unit that has literally all my property in it because I owe $250 to them and have to get it paid by the end of tomorrow.

It also doesn't help that my friend i'm rooming with screams at me on almost a daily basis. She has me so stressed out that literally anything I do at any time of the day gives me anxiety because i'm worried about getting yelled at, and nothing I do to fix any issues she has with me seem to work because she finds new ones.

A few good examples being that she didn't want my cats wandering around the room at night while we're sleeping so they don't mess with her stuff, so we put them on the balcony at night, but then they meowed at the door to be let back in so she got mad at me for that even though the balcony was her idea. I then put them in the bathroom at night but she still got mad because they would meow to be let out of there too and scratch at the door. Finally they got put in crates in the bathroom with the lights off at night so they'd go to sleep but if they wake up and meow at all she still gets mad, even though they barely make any sound, they're in a closed room inside of pet crates and it's barely audible.

Or there's the fact that she got mad at me for having alarms set when I needed them to make sure I was waking up and checking my messages for potential work texts. I changed the alarm to vibrate only with no sound and put it next to my face but she still literally got so angry that she was screaming at me about it even being on vibrate.

Her and her bf then started using an alarm themselves on their phones to wake up at a certain time... I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be yelled at more but it was just one of many things that was hypocritical and upsetting.

They also for the past month or so have been freaking out on me about what time I go to sleep and wake up and won't listen to me when I tell them stuff like that i'll stay up until I get work done that I need done so I don't really sleep on a specific schedule at the current time. My roommate decided to scream at me for that multiple times and tell me stuff like that I won't make money at certain times of the day (even though I do and have many times) like she knows more about my work than I do. I tried putting myself on an earlier schedule this past week and was up in the morning 2 days in a row and didn't end up making money at all during those times, but even crazier is she STILL got mad at me, this time for waking up "too early" rather than too late. It's left me at a loss like I literally don't know what they want from me her and her bf are both completely insane and it feels like they just WANT to scream at people. And when I say scream I mean that literally, they will yell at me loud enough for neighbors to hear.

She had me severely lacking sleep for a lot of the past 2 months because she'd force me to wake up whenever she decided I needed to be awake, even if it was after i'd been up all night and only slept for like 2 hours. She'd even accuse me of lying about when I fell asleep and gaslight me by saying that she was up earlier than she was so she knows I was already asleep.

I had massive bags under my eyes for weeks because of this and was so anxious I couldn't even fall asleep half the time when I tried.

It's now gotten to where her and her bf are waking up past noon for most of the last week, which I just don't understand considering how much they'd get angry at me and accuse me me of being lazy for sleeping during daytime hours.

There are plenty of other examples but that's probably enough to give you an idea of what i've been dealing with at home on a daily basis.

And this is all happening with me paying more than they are for our room. When they first came to stay with me I said I could pay more because I knew they were living off savings and needed to find new jobs, but it's been almost a full 3 months now and with the way i'm being treated lately I really don't think it's fair for me to be paying more at this point, especially because we had to move to a more expensive room. I probably wouldn't mind if I wasn't being treated this way but it's beyond ridiculous at this point. I'm constantly having to make adjustments in everything I do to keep from being screamed at, and no matter how hard I try it's still not good enough and I get yelled at.

They were yelling at me again last night and my friend brought up that she said she could go 50/50 with me on the payment starting May 1st, I never said no to that but she was acting like I did. I don't know why it had to wait for may 1st, but she'd also made comments like that I needed to prove myself as "responsible" for her to do it when she originally mentioned it.

I've literally been doing nothing but dedicating my time to paying off debts and paying for my living expenses for almost a solid 2 years, when I shouldn't have even been in debt in the first place... like how is that not being responsible? :(

I never go out, I don't take any days off work, I make so many payments that I even run out of food..

What more could I possibly do..

I feel so unwell right now, my body and my mind. I'm tired of feeling like i'm drowning despite working every day to fix this situation and get my new place.

I just want this nightmare to be over already..

I just want to get my new apartment and focus on my career, and cut off people who aren't really friends.