I've been meaning to publish the last chapter I was editing for the cold, I just hadn't felt up to it yet. I feel like i'm constantly feeling sad, or worthless, or stressed.. just a lot happened last year that caused me problems. Trusting one of my friends ended up putting me in debt and causing strain in relationships with other people, including someone I really care about.. with that person it hurt because my debt caused her problems, and things being difficult for her because of my situation made me feel so ty. I also wasn't able to go visit my family when I promised I would because of this situation. I also haven't gone to the hospital to fix health issues I have going on because I haven't had time to take a break from work.

Things were starting to feel really great up until the situation that caused the debt happened, and it's just left me feeling so depressed and betrayed and worthless, and like I let down people I care about. Even if I logically know someone else put me in this situation and left me with debt that shouldn't have been mine, it still hurts a lot. I still feel bad regardless.

I've had a wrist injury for months now that i've left untreated and I feel so sad thinking about that.. the bones in my wrist aren't in the correct place and could possibly even be broken, but i'm not sure if it's just dislocated or fractured or what because I haven't gone to the doctor at all. The reason I haven't gone is because if it's more serious, like a break that healed incorrectly, i'm pretty sure it'd need to be rebroken and set back into place so that might require taking time off from work. My wrist doesn't hurt right really at the moment as long as I don't lift anything heavy or move it around at any odd angles. It feels mostly normal just not as flexible as normal and weaker than normal. But it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I can't even let myself relax enough to fix my injury that i've been walking around with for almost 5 months now. Whenever I look at my wrist I see how misshappen it looks and it makes me feel so sad.

I've got most of the debt paid off now, it's been about 9 and a half months since I started having to pay it (it was a lot of money, like so much that i've hardly had anything left over most of the time even for my own personal bills) but it's caused me a lot of emotional damage, and it's made me have to put my life and career on hold to fix it, and it's made me feel so worthless, and it's made me feel like nothing I do is good enough..

I just hate there being a burden for people I care about..

And I hate feeling so alone and like I can't take care of myself..

I also had a friend who was around for the incident last year recently betray me, also with something money related. So that didn't feel so great. It has me at a point that I feel really used and like if I agree to help any friends out it could end up in me getting hurt. And these kinds of things were work related, so it wasn't even like I just let someone borrow money or something. I don't understand why some people think it's ok to treat others this way..

At the moment there are good things coming up for this summer and winter, but even while I'm working on preparing for upcoming stuff I just don't feel great. I don't feel excited or happy. I feel depressed.

And I feel like I don't really have anyone I can fully express all my feelings to or tell everything to. There's someone I'd feel comfortable talking to and that I wish I could, but I don't want to bother her, and I don't know if she'd even want to see me breaking down and getting so upset.

I feel like I can't even vent much here, I know i've mentioned working in entertainment before. That's one thing that really about it. Like if you don't have any friends you feel really close to how can you express everything you want to express.. you can't just anonymously post whatever's on your mind in detail because it could come back to haunt you later and just make things worse and more painful.

I keep telling myself I'll feel better after the last of this debt is gone and i've finally been able to accomplish things that I wanted this year.. but then I worry that I'll still feel like this either way.

I feel really bad about not having been able to go see my family yet. I have a box of presents I got for my younger siblings and my mom around Halloween and I still hadn't sent it and I feel so bad.. I want to send it this week if I can, it's been sitting in my house for too long..

I also have a gift I meant to mail to that person I care about a lot, it was for her birthday and it's really late too..

I was just trying to finish paying the debt completely first but I just want to mail those things, especially the stuff for my siblings and mom..

And I feel so bad that I haven't been able to visit my dad too.. I have some stuff I got for him also that I hadn't given to him yet.. I haven't seen anyone in my family in a year and a half.. I don't think I saw my dad the last time I saw the rest of my family so for him even longer.

I'm so tired of feeling like this..

I feel so terrible..

And it really breaks my heart that a friend I thought I could trust left me with their debt and made an entire year so difficult and painful for me. Debts often create more debts, which is exactly what happened in this situation. The initial debt wasn't nearly as bad as the final amount i've ended up having to pay due to things like late fees, having to wait to pay for things that should've been done sooner, adding extra money onto payments as apologies for being late, extra expenses that occured as a direct result of the debt, and other situations..

I just keep thinking about how all the money I had to waste could've been sent to my family to help them. I make a lot more money than anyone in my family, and if I hadn't been left with this burden I could've helped them out so much already.. it makes me feel so terrible and guilty..

I hate that I wasn't able to visit yet and that they all don't have much money while i'm over here with more income than all of them combined and it's having to all go into paying off debts. Honestly as soon as i'm done I really just want to help them out.

And that person I care about, I want to make it up to her for there being any burden on her too.. my mind's constantly going back and forth between feeling this immense guilt towards her and towards my family..

I just want everything to be ok for everyone..

I'm sitting here crying typing this and I don't know if it's even making any sense because of how vague I have to be.. i'm just so tired..

I just want it to be over.. for everything to be ok..