HEY, IT'S ME!


Personality

A ball of wroth, bitterness, depression, and wine. Disfunctional angry miserable mess. Not Great. She used to be happy doing this, she used to love it, she used to do everything she could to make it even above the other girls in her gropu. But all of the privacy invasion and the questionable wardrobes and the constant "no we're not going to let you do the boring indie warbling music you want to do here have this pop song instead"  and the constant insistent judging of the onlooker. The eyes are the worst. She's starting to feel like she only exists of the eyes in the audience, she must do everything to please them but everything to please them is everything she hates. They are the reason for her existence are they not? They demand and demand and demand. She must be this, she must be that, she must look like this, she must say that.

She feels trapped. She once manipulated and moved heaven and earth to become popular, but now she feels like she's trapped into this imagine she's made for herself that isn't her. There are so many expectations on her shoulders. People want her to be the sweet little bride she pretended to be while all she really wants is just to make music. She loves singing, she puts her heart and soul into the songs she loves. But all they want is for her to be this pretty little pop singer and variety girl and she's internally screaming. No really, she's screaming, she feels like she's dying oh god it's another panic attack- she's standing on stage and everything is so meticulously rehearsed and planned that her body goes on auto-pilot, you'd never know that she literally feels like she's dying.

They should give her an oscar for her acting, truly. This variety show or that variety show. She laughs, she plays along, she plays the part of the charismatic perfect woman. She's never cocky, she never wins too much, she takes all of the misogyny with a laugh and a quip. Truly how could she not have a closet filled with trophies yet? She is playing the role of a lifetime!

Jieun's shattered now. Ever since the panic attacks started happening and she's spiralled deeper into depression she feels like she's a shattered person somehow somehow managing to hold together with thread long enough to make people believe she's not shattered. It hasn't made her easier to work with, she'd be the first to admit that she can be a , that she lashes out at her darkest moments, that her neutral has become salty and bitter. There are days where she can't get herself to leave her room, there are other days when she can't stop herself lashing out against her group members or against the stylist or against the backstage intern and then her pride prevents her from apologising after. She doesn't mean but she can't show them that she doesn't mean it or she'll look weak. There are days when fear grips her so tight she can't breathe. Moments before she goes on stage where she thinks 'oh god not again I can't feel like I'm dying again' which feels like its own death. But isntead of asking for help the depression just drags her down into more isolation. The others probably hate her. Good, they deserve to hate her. She's so very hateable isn't she? God, she's a mess.

She wants out. She wants out out out now. But she's trapped, what is she without her audience? What if she's nothing? What if they'll abandon her the moment she steps out of this box that she made with her own two hands? Can she survive on her own? Can she survive without the constant praise? Can she survive without the toxic hate? What would she do on a drunken Wednesday night if not scroll through the comments of dkinside and soak up all of the hatred?

So she's sitting in her room, her chosen prison, scrolling on her phone when the first scandal comes out and she just laughs and laughs and laughs. Cackles like a witch. Her shackles are rusting, she doesn't care if it takes her down with it. She sure as hell is going to enjoy these bread and circuses. Meanwhile she's just waiting for her own scandal, for a pd or makeup artist to come out with a blind item about how she's horrible, about how the group hate her, about how she never deserved all of things she got. All the things she fought for. All the things she hates. That would be true justice would it not? That's all she deserves. But at least she's taking the whole ing nightmare of a company with her.


Background

Jieun has a totally ordinary background, really it will rock you right to sleep. Happy family, group up in a medium-sized city, mother stayed at home and father worked. She was doted on, she was loved, she was somewhat cautiously supported in her dreams. She took vocal lessons from an early age and was scouted after doing well in a national vocal competition. You can read a thousand of these stories, though not many of these stories actually reached the level of success of Deja-Vu's Noelle. Then she went off to become an international star.

She was also ambitious every step of the way. Jieun worked her off to get to where she is. You know the stories of the dilligent idol, praised for giving up basic human needs like sleep or food. Declared a saint for starving herself, showered with praise for destroying her body and mind staying up for days at a time to work. Yeah, that's Jieun. Always doing what is expected from her, always sticking to her company-given image. She was supposed to be the perfect little visual, the girlfriend type. All the way up to that blessed and cursed show where she actually got to be the girlfriend.

We Got Married. Her big break. The show that launched her into public sphere. Jieun was so busy projecting this image of perfection she can hardly remember much of the guy she was supposed to be dating. He was fun at the time and he worked perfectly as the goofy offset to her prim and proper persona. But he was work. He was a means to an end. When the show ended she didn't see much of a reason to continue their acquaintaince. He was absolutely madly smitten with her and you bet she broke his heart into a million pieces.

But the years of fandom grated on her. First she got a lot of hate from Sungjin's fanbase for daring to be in oppa's vicinity. Then the more prominent she became the more hate she got for just existing and not always falling into the perfect box. Jieun isn't the box the company, society, and she herself put her into and every slip-up, every toe outside of it had consequences. There's certain hate that a woman gets for just daring to be prominent and successful, and then there's even more hate a woman gets for not quite being what she appears to be. "Noelle is fake" became a oft-repeated refrain amongst her detractors. And yeah, she kind of was. She was pigeon-holed into an image that she never knew would destroy her to maintain. The more eyes were upon her, the more pressure was on her shoulders, and the more Kim Jieun started to crack.

Now here we are. She's a girl who should have everything. She has supportive parents who call at least three times a week to nag her about how she's eating and that she's looking too thin or too thick and if she's sleeping well. She has her own luxury apartment away from everyone else in the company in which to isolate herself. She has 2 dogs who make her manager's life a living hell. She has more money in the bank than she knows what to do with and more companies calling her than she has time to endorse. She should have everything. But Kim Jieun is shattered.

 

TIC, TOC, I'M A BOMB

The Scandal:

- She hates the group, she hates the company, she hates her fans, she hates heels, she hates every outfit she's made to wear, she hates every song she's made to sing, she hates humanity as a whole.

- Has literal panic attacks on stage. Also very strong depression she does not feel comfortable even finding help for because ~~~stigma~~~

- She hasn't talked to the guy she want on WGM with since they finished their final schedule and he's so ing salty.

- She has, in the recent months, treated both staff and her fellow members less than pleasantly and the tension within the group can be cut with a knife.

- She's like 3 seconds from falling apart at all times

The Whistleblower:

While it's probably too on the nose to make her the whistleblower, Jieun is here for this entire company burning to the ground. She is indescriminantly against everything it represents and she will sit on the sofa with a big glass of wine cackling as the new covers scandal after scandal.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I absolutely, absolutely, invite you to connect Jieun to Sungjin again maybe in a more wholesome way. You can also absolutely ship them if you'd like and the story has room for it. Or not, totally up to you!

Inspiration for this trainwreck was def Taeyeon, but more strongly Inside by Bo Burnham and learning about his struggles, as well as the usual misogyny and struggles of being a woman in the spotlight that we see a lot. I also want to say this is not inspired by Irene and in no way serves to absolve her of being an , thanks.

SCENE REQUESTS:

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