There's somethings about writing this blog in anonymity that makes me feel safe about it. I'm wide awake after 2 hrs of sleep with millions thoughts inside my head of which leading me to questions I wanna ask myself and few other person.

1. Was the break up for the both of us or for myself?

I once had someone whom I date without much thinking. At that time I was hella curious, curious whether there can actually be another kind of love, a different one than what I've been silently buried deep within myself. Is there a love that can make me feel safe assured that someone will always be there for me too rather than a one-way type of dedication. I let myself try to taste a different kind of love, although it wasn't easy. 
 

She was there, making me feel like those people of my age, giddy with weekend dates and smiling over crazy texts. Although, this wasn't much different than what I had experience, the feelings of being loved was new and I fell for it. 
 

The relationship ended as soon as it started. Maybe it was the part of me that doesn't believe that I deserved her love and the part of me that feels like she's too childish at times that got the upper hand at that time. I was clouded with negative thoughts because I was drowned with work and she kept on bugging me to give her attention and to fulfilled my promise of at least going on date with her once that week. 
 

Part of me was jealous of the freedom she got too. I really had to take a week off from my office job, just to handle the business that whole week. I do have breaks but traveling to at least 3 different places in a day for the week and to come home to more paperwork was killing me. I can't let her feel burdened and part of me felt like I want to be alone because I hate how persistent she was in accompanying me to finish my work.

With her, I feel like a kid again. Part of me that says I'm not supposed to feel that way wins in the end. I sent a break up text like the fool I was. Deep down I try to tell myself, I did that to let her find someone who can make her happier because I can never do more than letting her make me happy. I couldn't return what she gave me and so I should stop her from suffering even more.

Deep down, I also know, it was a selfish move. 
 

2. What are we? 
 

I always graze over your contact name over the messenger we used a bit too long to my own likings. Just to end up opening the last chat we had where I told you to not feel sorry when you realized just how ty you have been for ignoring the texts I have sent. 
 

I know that you are now a closed chapter of mine yet the questions left unanswered is killing me slowly. Look at how I end up writing this blog at 4 am in the morning. Yesterday, I even had to continuously pluck the invisible petals in my head to decide whether I should sent you a text to wish you a happy new year or I should just leave the bitter end we had in October. 
 

I ended up sending you one and you replied not long after. No emojis, no returning that friendly endearment we used to call each other with. 
 

Nothing special between us have ever happened I see. It was all inside my head I guess, the times where you deemed that you probably wouldn't be able to get through the day if I didn't reply your text. The insane amount of spam messages you would sent. The endearment you would attached in each of those texts, it even feels weird to call each other by name because we got used to words to replace it. 
 

The moment you wrote my name for a birthday wish you sent, I started to question it. It was just recently, July 2020. What are we now? Are we even friends? What happened to the claim of soulmates? Have we grew apart that much? Was it something I've said? More questions popped up inside my head and I never even dared to ask them directly to you.

It's not healthy anymore, the thought of you, the reminiscent of our memories. I should've known that from the start, I shouldn't have followed you to the library back when we were in 8th grade. I shouldn't have let you stole my first kiss when you got drunk, when we were 17. I shouldn't have sent you to the airport to let you go elsewhere where I can never be. I should've ignored you when you told me about your first boyfriend. I should've even ignored you more when you cried over the phone telling me about the breakup. Shouldn't treat you well when you text me outta nowhere to tell me you're back in this country for a visit.

Should've never let my heart lead me to fall for you.