Year-end Open Letter (2020)

Hello, I'm user BbyOnion. And this is my year-end open letter. 

I started the year 2020 with the hope of things being a whole lot better than my 2019, a simple prayer of less negativity and more positivity. At the start, it actually did and with everything sailing smoothly, the entire year looked promising to me.
Up until the pandemic happened.

Every day for a few months, I found myself waking up within the four walls of my room feeling trapped and far more unsure of my future than how I was in the previous year. I was lost and kept on making excuses for myself because I was scared to face new challenges head-on with the “new normal”. If you think I am better off the internet, I’m sorry, am not. I am almost always feeling suffocated and tired of everything. The people who know me IRL will probably testify to say no to that, but I’d like to honestly say, they’re wrong. Though they are not right about everything about me, but I am trying to be better. Always. Behind the mask I wear all the time, I am internally fighting to not become the worst, most despicable version of myself. 

However, no matter how hard I tried to restrain the demon inside me, I found it difficult to do online, especially on times when I am distracted and have little to no control over myself and when my fingers work faster than my own judgment. Admittedly, at 23, I do still act like a kid in grade school in these moments when I shouldn’t be.

The final plot twist of my 2020 led to the horrible version of myself that most of you have witnessed. I should have known better. I should’ve been more responsible. I should’ve acted my age. But as I’ve said, I failed to do so. 

And once again, in this open letter, I want to apologize for the awful things I’ve said and done. I accepted the criticisms, the judgment, and the advices sent to me. I scolded myself for throwing my humanity out of the window with an insensitive remark when all I’ve hoped for this year is a better world to live in. (And yes, COVID.) Even until the moment that I am writing this letter and until you are reading this, I have not forgiven myself as much as the people I’ve hurt don’t. The guilt haunts me in my sleep and in my waking days as if I have stabbed a person to death that night.

To the people who have privately talked to me, I’m sorry, I lied. You guys told me to not let their words get to me, yes I didn’t, but my own thoughts echoed words far more worse than those who have said it. I wasn’t okay and I am still not. I honestly can’t even genuinely smile at my family on this festive night because the guilt that constantly reminds me of how awful of a person I am. When I tried, I am forced to hold back my tears just so they won’t interrogate me further. And I know this suffering will last for quite awhile.

But rest assured, I am not planning on succumbing to my suggestive thoughts. I have taken the incident as a learning opportunity in order to never commit the same mistake ever again. I can’t promise that I will not up anytime in the future, but I will strive to do my best and have this memory as a constant reminder for myself that no matter the situation, I must choose to be the bigger person, the one in control of what should be morally done and said, the responsible host who have set their virtues in order to not spark a bigger mess. However, if I do still forget, please do not hesitate to remind me again. 

Once again, I am sorry. To you who have put your trust in me, I'm sorry for disappointing you. I deeply apologize for hurting you in 2020 — whether it was intentional or not. I am not begging for forgiveness, but rather praying for the chance to let me show you the better version of myself in 2021. 

Despite all my shortcomings, allow me to also take this opportunity to give my thanks in this open letter.

First off, to you who have hated me, cursed me, and wished for my death and what not: thank you. Thank you for giving me a memory of how I should feel about myself when I’m planning on doing something stupid. Thank you for all the ill remarks that I will truly remember for a lifetime. Thank you for showing me that there are still people far more awful than myself. Thank you very much. Thinking about you guys have made me feel a bit better and you make me want to strive to live a lot better.

Next, to you whom I’ve trusted and decided to instantly turn your back on me on a single mistake: thank you for showing me your true colors. It was a pleasure to watch you start a bandwagon and crucify people online instead of allowing them to learn and grow. 

Then, to you who have interacted with me: thank you for the clicks and thoughts you’ve shared with me. It’s nice to hear different opinions from various people. I also get to learn from you guys.

Lastly, to you who always stayed: thank you so much for being there. 2020’s not my favorite year but you guys made it bearable and more enjoyable despite all the bull it made us experience. I can’t name each one of you, but you know who you are. Thank you for trusting in me and for comforting me when I was down. You guys saved my 2020 and most importantly, you saved me. I don’t say it much, but I love you guys a whole lot. 

I can’t specify everyone, but if you have been part of my crazy 2020 ride, thank you.

Before I end this letter, I would also like to express how thankful I am of IZ*ONE. Not just for one member, but for all 12 of them. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for their existence (shoutout to the WIZ*ONEs who stayed and held on to our girls in the tough times). They make my days bright, no matter how awful it may be. They gave color to my dull, boring life even with just their smiles. 

I do feel ashamed of calling myself a WIZ*ONE after the stupid things I’ve done and have honestly thought of backing out. Even without people telling me, I wanted to. But whenever I attempt to, they always give us the assurance that we are all they have and appreciate every little thing we do for them and so I end up staying. 

Because they trust and love us, I want to stay and live up to their expectations. In 2021, I want to become better for them to be truly proud of and for me to be able to support them freely. Because this is how much I truly love and appreciate them.

A lot of things happened in 2020 that I can’t remember and enumerate one-by-one, but I am taking with me the lessons I’ve learned into 2021 and greet it positively as I can.

To end this letter, I hope and pray that you receive all the blessings due to you and for the world to become better place to live in.

Have a prosperous 2021, everyone! Happy New Year! ♡

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