the best one yet.

hi im back again. with another story. all of you had probably forget who tf am i but it's okay if you feel like reading my heart out. i will have my final semester final soon so i really had to get this off my chest quickly in order to really focus on my final. and by writing this here is the best way to help me get over this. 

i'll start by saying i fell in love with this guy in my lecture, in my first semester of foundation year. ive actually met him, in 2017, when i joined a symposium that was held at his highschool. but at that time, we still hadnt known each other. only entering the same lecture that we started to know each other. happened when he once saw me wearing symposium shirt and immediately felt tue need to know me better. i liked his school, it's an elite school with good reputation and great amount of goodlooking boys (it's an all boy school), even though he is barely one of them. i was more than excited to know he was also one of the participants and we kinda clicked from there. 

after that, we kinda like talked everyday before lecture starts. he would sit behind me in every lecture and chat with me about anything random and it was fun talking to him. but i realize that i was slowly falling in love with how soft spoken he was when he talked to me. only me. not any other girls. i was scared because it was foundation year, i only had one year to strive it. love interest is something that has always been the biggest cause of my distraction. i was afraid that having a crush on him during that time was going to affect my studies, so i made up my mind to stop talking to him, in order to stop falling for him. 

so then i i started to ignore him, and he realized it. firstly, he made some efforts to keep talking to me but he noticed that i really didn't want to. so he was confused by why i did that but still respected my choice to stop interacting with him. i felt bad leaving him not knowing why i did that, but it was better than having him know that i was slowly developing a crush on him. 

little did i know, the plan was awful. it didn't work at all. i could never stop thinking about him, when he was right behind me everyday, listening to his jokes, and all the questions he asked me whenever there was something he didn't understand about what the lecturer was talking about. i was the only one he kept on asking, and yes, i could answer every single one of it. and he fell in love with my intelligence. 

day by day, both of us kept falling deeper and deeper with each other without any of us knowing. even though our friends had made it really obvious for us that we both liked each other. but both of us kept denying it because we were too afraid of the truth. 

three months of ignoring each other, despite we started following each other on twitter in that period. so many SO MANY happened in twitter. from him only liking my tweets, posts about me and unliking them back when he felt like giving up. but ended up liking them back. all those indirect tweets for each other OMG there were so much things that went down on twitter. it was also where our first interaction was after three ing months of ignoring each other, when i replied to his tweet, under my friend's consultation. AND YES, he did replied to those and he started replying to my tweets too. 

also after those months, i had grown so stressed with my studies, my family problems, friends problems and also him. i couldn't help but tweet about how sad and stressed i am that time. and obviously he noticed every single one of them. and he started to get really concerned about them. so one day, the day he saw me stopped smiling, he bought me a cake and gave a small positive note and wished with even the smallest gesture could make me smile, and it did. that night i dmed him on twitter and we just- damn. started talking everyday again. in texts. nonstop. him checking on me, me checking on him, buying each other stuffs and all those such things but never once did we confess because both of us were too scared to ruin the friendship. oh my god, those were suchhhh good times. like it was all so natural and real.

so, after semester 1 final, it was time to go back home. had to take a plane to return to my hometown so he offered to send me off at the airport. before checking in, he suggested us to get a drink first. and it was so sweet of him to remember my favourite drink, green tea latte. once we sat down, his legs were literally shaking so bad and he was fidgeting so much than usually. then he confessed. of course, not immediately. he took some time like playing a game and put the confession in the game. and of course, despite i didn't expect myself to say yes, but why not igave it a try even though i wasn't looking for a boyfriend that time. but yes, i do love him already that time ok. 

so, we started dating. so many things holy . happened like . he is so many to my first times and it really made it even harder to imagine losing him, i didn't want to lose him, not in any ways. i was so determined i wanted a lifetime with him that time and i had never been so in love with anyone at all. for the first time ever, with him, i felt so loved, meant so much to someone and felt so appreciated by someone. everything was so right and in place. this, i shouldn't be saying this, but please don't judge me for this. i'm a muslim. dating is a sin, touching men who aren't your family is a sin, so technically yeah, im sinning every step of the way. im not a very religious girl, but still, ive never let any male touch me, like i was disgusted if i was touched by a man. it was like my principle to not let myself involved in such things. however, with him, i held hands for the first time, i cuddled for the first time, i hugged for the first time, let someone ing grab my for the first time and also kissed for the first time. it was such a big sacrifice for me to let all those things happen just because he initiated all the physical touch and i wanted to make him happy by not rejecting him, no matter how sinful it was, even though deep down in my heart i was secretly loving every second of it. i let all that happened, because i love him and thought that it's going to be worth it. it's like, omg, it's so hard to do all those things, feared about being found out by your friends about you doing all those sins with your boyfriend. some part of me felt really guilty doing all of those things, but tell me, which girl didn't like those things in dating. tell me. no matter how much you were trying not to do it, you would end up losing and do it. knowing that i had let all those things happen, losing my princip, losing myself, i had to make sure that i would end up with him. i need to let it happen, not matter what it was gonna take. it took me so much courage for me to expose what i did, admitting my sins here just to let the heavy feeling in my heart go. but i had to admit, all of it was such a blessful feeling, you felt so protected, you felt so loved and you could never get enough of it. it was probably the feeling i missed the most. i loved him for it, he was the one who introduced that feeling to me, and it made it harder for me to let it go. 

well then, s started to happen when this corona came. quarantine okay. your day got boring, everything was the same, there was nothing fun and it was just all so ing bland. we couldn't meet each other, we couldn't go on dates together and IT . it made me miss so many things hence so many ing thoughts began to flood my mind and it never ing stopped. i had to call him everytime i was crying overthinking, and he was the one who had to calm me down, every ing time. no need to mention the lack of talking, because there were no to talk about because nothing happened in our day. so everytime we talked, yes, calming me down is the only talking we did. obviously, it started to go downhill there omg. yes. and omg i didnt know how to tell you guys about how tf we got here, to the point we broke up now. after such a long time dating, he asked for a breakup when i was holding on so hard despite there was nothing left to be held on. why, does boy pile every thoughts up, about problems and not telling us, and yet only telling us all of them by the time they think we need a breakup, when it's all too late already? I don't understand. i had a ing final coming up, in three weeks, with no in my brain. and then this thing happened, it ruined me, ruined me more than anything else. holy do u guys understand? love was something that i was looking for. it kind of like complete me, it was something i crave for for such a long time and it ruined me everytime i lost them. im not the girl who was like y and can do well everywhere and can move on quickly or instantly find another guy. im so soft, so clingy, so girly, so attached and so fragile that everyone around me was so afraid if anything they did could hurt me. but at the same time, no offense, i know im strong and have a good heart. but i become so weak when it comes to this. i let my guard down whenever there's someone i know who loves me. (omg i just realized i ranted so long) it when this is the only weak part about you. i can do so great in anything in life but when it comes to this i ing lose it. and i hate that fact about me. like how, what should i do to stop being like this?

thank you for reading :) for whoever who did.