thanks for those who clicked on this. really i appreciate it.

 

so this is not actually a blog or something. im just writing this in the middle of the night as this thing just suddenly came into my mind again and i had to write. and this is the only place i can come. it's okay if u dont read. i wont force. i just needed a place to clear my mind.  

 

2018 had passed a long time ago but i cant help to keep rethinking abt how bad it went. i had bipolar symptoms but idk if i do have that disorder or not. so bear with me. i wasnt feeling the best. 

so eventually i was a good girl. a really good one. when i was in 11th grade, i was that nice good girl that only talks to girls and i hated boys a lot back then.  im shy and im super low profile abt myself. i surrounded myself with kind and kinda nerdy kid but i had a life back there. my grades were so good. i was one of the top students and most of the ppl in my age liked me except for the guys as they didnt know me that well.  

i was a normal girl. 

however, when i stepped into 2018, i was in 12th grade. senior year. i started to have positions and those things forced me to mingle around with boys.  so i did that for the sake of my responsibility. with this, i got a lot of guy friends and i started to hang out with a lot of cool kids since we worked together. 

but everything started to go downhill when i fell in love with a guy, who coincidencely was my partner in the position i was. he was the head of it,  and i was like his assistant or something like that. i fell in love with him bcs yeah u know basic stuff cute funny smart at math and tall.  basic. he was a bad boy. he smokes and he swears and he is just bad.  but i like him. i had a crush on him for straight three months. i told my (new) friends i liked him and without me knowing, he liked my best friend.  and my bestfriend liked him too.  

so they got into a relationship. 

by this point,  i was no longer in the nerdy kind girl clique,  i left them.  i left them to join the hot cool and outgoing girls who were like the queen of the school.  so that was when my name spread around the school like a wind.  

okay they got into a relationship.  without me knowing. 

i saw the hints but yeah i was too stupid to push the feelings away and by the time i knew the truth, i just cried and got disappointed. i never knew she would something like that to me. but i was not gonna sacrifice a friendship over a boy. so i just hoped they are happy and after a while ago,  i got over it and yeah,  im back to single with no crush.

so till a point my society were organizing a trip to a university and i had to handle it.  i did the paper work along with this guy. and another guy (let's called him adam). so i got really close to adam as he was the president of the society and we just hung out a lot.  we moved together and we got to know each other a lot.  he was a great guy really.  i liked him as a friend bcs yeah he was cool.  

and i found out he liked my classmate but he was really shy around the girl he liked so i offered help to him. i tried to pair them up but this girl liked another guy and she asked for my help. she wanted to get rid of adam and asked for my help with this new guy.  

i felt so bad for adam. 

so one night i told everything to adam.  he was broke,  he was disappointed and he was just sad. he felt so worthless.  i felt so bad for him. i cheered him up and i told him he always had my back.  he was glad for that.  

and one day,  i found out adam liked me. 

idk how he liked me, but my friend (the queen clique who was close to adam)  told me abt it.  everything happened so quick and adam wanted to date me.  i couldnt accept it at first but poor adam.  i gave him a chance to show me that he was worth it and yeah he showed a lot of efforts to show that he was serious abt me.  so yeah,  after like one week (sad), we dated.  

so adam was my first boyfriend. 

the whole school knew abt us,  and they were not glad abt it.

going to an elite school is not cool at all,  especially when it is in malaysia.  

being in a relationship is considered disobeying the rules so we kinda broke the rules. the whole school hated us. by that time, only my queen clique was with me.  those nerdy kind girl who used to be my friends betrayed me by telling this relationship to everyone,  and to THE TEACHERS.  

adam's name was basically the hot topic in the teacher's room bcs he was a prefect and i was not so he was the one who should be punished more.  it got so bad till the point adam had to face the teachers himself and told the whole damn truth to them.  some teachers supported saying that feelings is something you cant avoid but we just had to keep them down. so we kept it a little low but not enough yet.  

so for the students, i got so much hate. my classmate hated me, they said i changed a lot and i turned out to be a basic .  i went through too much till the point i was crying by myself.  there was only my queem clique wiyh me. so they reported this to adam.  and adam took some serious actions after that. 

he suggested fake breakup to calm things down and i was like what no ppl wont believe that but he insisted on just trying it out.  so yeah we did that fake breakup.  

i went on my life, a very pathetic life where i lost so much friends, i 'broke up'.  i literally had no one by my side that time. 

i was alone. 

as final exam were getting around the corner,  i just thought huh fck this im not gonna do this anymore. i told adam to forget all about this and just be what we wanted to be.  i dont care abt what ppl will say.  he said okay.  so yeah,  finally i had him, at least.  

but we were having a very tough time bcs we fought too much. he was jealous whenever he saw me talking to this particular guy.  i was really close to this guy.  he taught me calculus and he listened to my everything. he even knew my period date when adam knew nothing.  that guy just knew me too much so i guess thats what made adam so mad at him.  

they kinda got into a fight bcs of me.  i felt so guilty that time. i was stupid. i didnt know my actions would affect adam that much.  i told that guy that we needed to stop talking so the fight wouldnt get any worse then it already was.  i lost another friend bcs of adam.  

and idk by the end of the year,  i realized my queen clique was just a bunch of toxic ppl except for my best friend. she was the only one who still stick with me after so much things that we had gone through together.  these toxic ppl were close to adam, like really close.  one of them was adam's best girl friend.  i couldnt budge bcs i didnt want them to lose their friendship bcs of me. so i played real cool abt it.  or not adam would claim me as 'clingy' and 'immature'. 

me and my best friend got into a big fight with these toxic ppl just bcs of a small thing. really small.  i couldnt even comprehend it till now over how immature it was.  i apologized but they said we just couldnt fix this friendship anymore. then i was like woahh okay fine then suit yourself im just gonna continue my life with my best friend then. 

so adam knew abt this. 

adam got so mad that i fought with his best girl friend. he defended her and he was telling me to change. i said sorry and i promised him that i would change. and we kinda got over it but there was still a little tiny bit that he just couldnt forgive me. 

even tho i did changed.  

that was how my school year ended. 

the next few months was just me,  back to the very basic me.  no more queen clique, i was in a long distance relationship with adam and the only friend that i had is my best friend. 

so,  how did i broke up with adam? 

pretty common excuse.  he said he doesnt feel the same anymore.  

im genuinely very sad over this but i kinda expected it already. i didnt even cry. 

for those few months,  we never called (we had never been on a call together), we never video chat or something.  we just texted each other and even that was  hard bcs i guessed he was busy. 

he was busy.  

he told me that he was sorry for everything.  he felt bad for me as i changed bcs of him yet he never did the same to me.  he never tried to be the best for me when i was working hard to be the best for him. he just felt he didnt deserve me and everything. 

at that time,  i still love him a lot.  even after everything that happened. he introduced me to his parents and he told me that literally his whole generation knew about me already.  i was more than shocked. that was when i knew he was serious with me. then i said it's okay just stay who you are bcs that is what i love you for. just treat me like how you should treat me then im good.  

but haha. his replies were getting shorter, the way he texted were boring and he showed zero interest in what i was talking. he was not the him at the beginning of this relationship. 

at the same time,  my best guy friend texted me.  

I WAS BEYOND HAPPY.

he said sorry too and i was like hey chill bro everyone made mistake. so i still talked to him till now and we were back to besties.  

so adam didnt know abt i was okay again with my best guy friend bcs adam himself facetimed his best girl friend without telling me. i couldnt say anything bcs adam told me to stay off his lane and yeah i did that.  

and one night, he was suddenly worried abt me and this whole relationship. he texted me and said we should discuss. i was okay with that.  

end up,  he said he couldnt take this any farther bcs he just knew he couldnt treat the way i should be treated.  he felt guilty and bad and he was just sorry for everything that had happened.  

why he couldnt treat me good? 

bcs he doesnt like me anymore.  

so yeah,  my love life is screwed just like that .

i lost so much just bcs of this boy and i realized i was surrounded by toxic ppl throughout my senior year. my last year of school is my worst year and idk who to blame. 

the toxic ppl or me?

you know what?  sometimes i just wanted to blame myself for everything bcs if i didnt let myself did these things,  all of these wouldnt happen. 

i was afraid of ppl,  i lost trust in ppl and im just so afraid to tell anyone abt myself. i hid my breakup from my friend,  i didnt tell anyone except for some ppl who are still there for me. i didnt want ppl to know it from me bcs im not the one who decided to end the relationship. i want adam to be the one who tells everyone abt the breakup. i wanted to know how he thinks abt the breakup. 

i dont even care how he is doing,  what is he planning to do, is he doing fine. i just dont. bcs i know he wont care abt me anymore.  

i changed so much. i used to be a very cheerful girl who literally laughed at everything and were just lovable. seriously im not even kidding. 

now im heartless, just savage and idgaf abt what ppl feel. all i think rn is im just gonna live till it ends. no matter how bad it goes,  im just gonna live it. 

i hated my new self,  i hate being sad for no reason and feel useless and worthless. im not me anymore. but u know what i hate more? 

i hate more if im also a toxic ppl in anyone's life.

that is like i just literally judged myself. 

i hate this.  i really do.  i really got over my ex bcs i know he is not worth it. i just hate how i let those things happen. i was so stupid. i couldnt explain till u guys understand it. 

im pretty sure someone went through something like mine too.  im not the only one, right? thanks god.  i know God is saving the best for me. 

 

 

for those who's reading this,  thank you for your time.  i appreciate it.  you are probably thinkong abt how screwed i am rn.  haha still thanks a lot.  i love you :) <3