So um Hi.

Been awhile since I came here.

A lot of things happened.

A lot of changes happened.

For starters, my dad left me and this world on 30 Aug 2019 around 9.40pm after literally over 10 hours of shortness of breath and gasping. The doctors told us they've never seen a person like him who tried to fight till the end with so much willpower. Though we were being prepared from about a day and half prior to it, it didn't come off as a surprise atleast but seeing him in that state for all those excruciating hours made me wish to god to just end it all, end his suffering, end his pain, even if a selfish part inside my brain told me there might be some hope. I guess in the end from all the wishes I've ever wished for this had to come true. And I ing hate myself for it, but I think what's supposed to happen ought to happen anyways.

I read somewhere you should either lose a parent when you are either way too young or way too old because anywhere in the middle hurts like a . I don't know how far it is true but I feel like a callous person who can't even cry loudly to save her life, ha the irony. The words of "grieving" or "mourning" still feels extremely distant just like the place my daddy is. I sometimes feels like I am this dream floating away from reality thinking I am just at home waiting for my dad to return from the hospital just like the past two years when he used to go back and forth from home to hospital even though it's been like only three days or something. I keep telling my best friends that the reality might have not sunk in, I don't who exactly is that I am trying to convince. It just all feels complicated, a huge tangled mess which makes me either go absolutely silent or very talkative.

I was told to stay strong for my mother, take care of her and also my brother. And every time I go silent I was asked to let go of my tears before I regret it, and also to not get angry or looked pissed off. Now this was an intriguing part to myself too, I was surprised whenever I just go absolutely silent I was mistaken to be angry, well surprise I wasn't and it's a shame that I couldn't even open my mouth to deny those words directed to me. It's just that when such a phase strikes me it isn't because I don't want to talk that words stop coming out of my mouth, it just it gets stuck in my throat and makes me a mute for awhile. I don't how to explain this but that's how it is so I am just thankful that some let me be, some understand, some even comfort me that I am not obliged to explain everything that occurs and how I feel to everybody. So yeah that's that.

For those who have read my previous blog would be pretty surprised about the things I am about to mention in regards to the changes I had mentioned in the start. When my dad had his first brain in the early days of August he made me promise one thing while lying in the ICU with all these tubes attached to him, he made me promise that I wouldn't fight with my brother and mother, to improve my relationships with them after it being strained for a little while. The last ever promise he asked from me but instead of me trying to do something about it he raced me to make things better for me while I was figuring out ways to fulfill it. So yeah, me and my brother have become closer than ever even before daddy even left to us, I am happy atleast he was there to see us together happy and felt content. Same goes with my mother. I guess he kept improving things in my life and doing the best for me even when he was struggling to breath. And at that moment I could proudly call him my HERO who has now turned into my guardian angel now I guess looking out for me from above. Maybe being a rebellious kid I had always said I was better off alone, but I guess I cannot even go on without my mother, my brother, my best friends and my family. I am thankful for all these huge treasures he's left me which would do me more than good than anything monetary lol.

It would be a lie to say I am doing good or even saying if I'm doing okay, I have no idea how I am even doing actually to be very very honest. I am still trying to figure out how I am actually feeling because whenever I feel normal it feels weird, seeing some third person crying so hard for my dad and then there's me with just silent tears flowing down that too not quite often. So along with feeling like a callous person I also feel like a colossal idiot.

This huge void is never going to be filled without dad and is never going to be the same, but I also know that I am not really sad that he left me, maybe physically he did but figuratively he still lives around me. In the way my brother looks like him in some angles, or when I hear the squeaky sounds of his house slippers which I have been wearing around the house or when I drive in his car (although it has been only me whose been driving for a looooong time, so it's technically mine but still it's under his name xP) or when I see my mom wipe off the water from the bathroom floor because he always preferred dry bathrooms and so many other little things that I see everyday which reminds me of him. I will continue to remember the times of the days he usually takes his medicines and insulins even though I always bring him the wrong  pouches of meds and he has to remind it every single time to change it.

Also the date Aug 30, I wish it could kinda disappear from the face of earth because it will be a continous reminder of the two saddest moments of my life. One from 2017 as a 'Infinite' Hoya stan and one from 2019 as a daughter.

But I guess that's life because both these days two important people of my life felt liberated.

One for starting a new journey in his life.

One for ending all the pain he endured in his treatments.

And I felt extremely happy for both of them for fighting for it. I was to be a proud fan of a brave man and also a proud daughter of another brave man.

I don't think I really phrased my thoughts completely in here, some are left hanging, some incomplete, some being said just as they are.

But all of them have come from my heart which means something and probably were meant to be.

And it feels good to write about it. I guess I might sort to ways like this to let out how I truly feel, my raw thoughts. To just vomit 'em all without the fear of being judged.

Bye, till next time.

For those of you who have read till here, thank you.

PS: I love you 3000 daddy (never knew this line would really hit me in reality)