There was this movie that me and my dad used to watch all the time together, it was a father-daughter movie in my mother tongue about an overprotective father and how he walks through the different paths of life of his daugher.. There was also an OST of that movie that my dad kept as a ringtone on his phone for my contact called "Come to me angel (literal translation)".

Though we were never like how the duo were in the movie, it still felt nice to watch it together or even alone. I guess I will never be able to watch that movie again, ever. Last week the song I mentioned played on the radio while I was driving back home, two lines down I had to stop my car because of the tears that didn't stop to fall. I still can't believe I actually broke down while driving in the middle of the road, but yeah it had to happen because of that damn song. Because I will never be able to hear it as a ringtone in the house when my dad asks me to ring up his phone to find it in the house when he misplaces it which is kind a lot of times.

I have never felt so alone and hollow in the past few weeks,

even with my mom, brother, grandfather and uncles around,

even with my best friends, friends and cousins checking up on me all the time.

It just keeps to be a constant reminder that they are all doing that because I lost my dad, I know they mean good but my brain keeps ing things up. It sometimes gets out of hand. Like again last weekend my aunt wanted to get me some clothes for my birthday in a few weeks all in good sense, but internally I couldn't feel that this is happening only because I do not have my father by my side.

Every year for the past 21 years of my life, it was my dad who chooses and buys my birthday clothes (even for the past two years I ask him not to, he always insists). So it might be one of the major reasons I don't even want anything from anybody this year or want to do something on that day. I don't know if people get it or they are just being oblivious idiots. I cannot help but hate everybody for this, for continously reminding me of my dad in every ways possible. I clearly know I shouldn't be thinking of such a thing, it is bad. I know it is my fault and nobody else but what am I supposed to do?

I am just so ing confused, frustrated and feel alone in this world.

If I tell this to my best friend or maybe even my therapist, I know I will only be told to do this and that. Feel all this optimistic bull, let go, forgive and forget. But its all so easier said than actually ing doing it. I am trying okay, I am so ing trying to be silent all this while and not hurt anybody's feeling by saying all this out loud because I have no right to lash out my anger to everybody. Nobody deserves this.

Everything is so ty and ed up in my life. I just have no way out now, because there is no person physically consious or unconsious that I can call my dad. He is gone forever, I am going to be labelled as a fatherless girl for life everywhere I go and every look I get filled with ing pity. I don't want anybody's pity, I don't want to be told to be doing stuff, or stay strong. I just want my dad back, something that reality will forever deny me. I can only laugh at myself of how pathetic and stupid I sound like a child who wants a lost toy back. I don't want words of encouragement or moral support, I only need somebody who would understand the I am going through and actually do not ing order or instruct me to go upon life.

Why don't I deserve a better peaceful life? Why does mine have to be so distorted? Did I deserve to be punished for doing everything wrong? for all my mistakes? Don't I too deserve some good things to happen in my life too? Why does everything have to keep going downhill? from me failing exams how much ever I study hard? from the stupid decisions I took a few months to take my own life? Was I so undeserving to better things that I only get thrown bad things directly at my face? Maybe I did something horrible in my past life to be tortured like this? Why are the only people I actually want by my side do not ask me if I am okay? Because I am ing not and never will be at this rate.

I feel so betrayed and disappointed in my dad, my mom, my brother and my best friends. Though I have no right, I just do.

I don't want people to get me things for my birthday or just anything just to make me feel better or happy.

I don't want to keep updating my relatives and some more people on every single thing I do in life just because I have to feel grateful for all the things they have been doing to help my family, I just want to stop feeling grateful or obligated to update them about everything I do in my life. If only I had my dad here none of this would have happened right? Yet again I can only think this as a reminder.I am truly a horrible person to think about all this, this way and I hate myself for that.

I am so angry, so ing angry that even I just realized I had so much pent up inside me. Because all I do is remain mute, silence has practically embedded itself in myself.

아무것도 아니라고 했잖아
신경 쓸 필요 없다고 했잖아
그 누구보다 강한 너니까
모두 이겨낼 수 있다 했잖아

근데 요즘 들어 어깨가 쳐져 보여
요즘 들어 네가 한없이 작게만
그렇게만 느껴져

돌아와 줘 다시 예전처럼
나를 보며 환하게 웃어줘
요즘엔 날 바라보는
너의 그 눈빛이
한없이 슬퍼 보여

                                    - 거울 ( 김성규 )

I am just so tired of building my hopes of things I wish would happen to me somehow, or with the words everybody tells me of how things will get better through time, good things will knock your door. Well, I wish something completely knocks me out forever because of all feeling, disappointment last the longest. Someone told me I am way too mature for my age, maybe I am. And I don't like it 1%, I sometimes wish I could be a naive stupid girl who has no clue of how the world works. And I am sad that my dad or my family or my circumstances didn't give me that. It just feel so unfair and suffocating.

Maybe I expect things from my best friends? But aren't they supposed to know me the best? Why do I feel like I am the one trying even though I am at my most weakest and vulnerable point?

I guess to summarize everything simply in four words,

IT'S ALL MY FAULT,

it always has been and I would be the biggest idiot to not realize it. No this is not self pity or any of those . It is just plain realization to tell myself why I actually feel alone especially at a time like this.

I just can't deal with any of this, I am not strong enough but everyone thinks I am and tells me that I am.

Probably that's the problem with being a strong one even if I am pretending to be one,

no one offers a hand.