hey loves!! i'm not really sure why i'm writing this... i guess i just need to get this off my chest in a space where many of my [irl] friends won't see it and a way to document it, i guess. trigger warning, fyi. gun and bomb violence; police; lockdown

for those of you who don't know, i live in a small city in canada. it's a bit sketchy, but nothing too dangerous ever happens within proximity of me. cops are always at my school for (underage) students having weed on them or for fights, but that's normal and not that big of a deal (besides, everyone smokes pot here, even before it was legal). we always have fire and lockdown drills, at least one a semester, but they never last long and never to be worried about.

today i was in the library working on my french project when our principal came over the pa system saying we were now in lockdown. our library has a small sub-room that used to be a computer lab, but they took all the computers out of it and replaced it with just tables and chairs so students would have more places to work (everyone just uses chromebooks or their own laptops anyways). there was about twenty or thirty of us in and around the library at the time, and we were all ushered into the small room, so you can imagine it was pretty cramped. at first we thought it was just a drill; there was twenty minutes until period five, we'd be out in time for that. we try to pass the time by playing small games of rock paper scissors and chinese chopsticks, a few snapchat games, but time went on, and we were yet to hear anything. period five had started and we were still in there. we started to grow worried; was it real? none of our teachers said they received emails about it. we start writing our last will and testaments and letters to our friends and family in the notes on our phones. at this point i text my mom, she obviously freaks a bit but i tell her not to worry; it was likely just an unplanned drill.

forty minutes in and a kid starts passing his phone around. it shows a tweet from our local news station, saying our high school and the elementary near us were placed into lockdown due to a bomb threat in our area. we weren't sure if it was in our school or somewhere else, but that's when the fear and relief began to really set in. fear, because what if that bomb was in our school? was it like in the movies, where there was a timer on it? forty minutes had already passed, how much time did we have left? would we survive? how close to us in the library was it? what about our friends; were they okay? but we also felt relief, because at least it wasn't a shooter. we convinced ourselves, in hushed voices, low to the ground, that we had better chances surviving a bomb than a gunshot, and to make light of the situation, we began to discuss what we would do if it was a shooter - play dead, use other bodies as a shield. 

ten minutes later another kid passes his phone around, and this time it's a screenshot of someone's snapchat story. a few years ago there was a gymnastics club down the road from our school, but they moved locations to be right behind us. the snapchat showed police patrolling the area where the old gymnastics club used to be with big guns - guns bigger than i've ever seen. i was told they were ar-15s, and they look like it, but i'm not familiar with my guns so i couldl be wrong, but they still looked like sniper rifles nonetheless. we then assumed the threat came from the old club, and we felt more relief - worse that happened was that we heard it go off, maybe some fallout hit the roof - but we were also still confused. if the threat was all the way down the road, why were we still on lockdown? surely, we could move into hold and secure by now.

we're still texting parents, talking softly to enterain and distract ourselves. we still don't know much, and we're starting to become tired and hungry and literally all of us have to pee, especially the supply law teacher her found out two nights ago she was pregnant with twins. we can hear the front doors to the school open and close harshly, and some voices, but they were barely audible. we thought we heard one ask another where a rick or a ray was. again, we convinced ourselves it was just cops, but the looming idea of it being those who had planted the bomb hung over us. an hour later one of our vice principals (we have two) comes over the pa system, saying we were still in lockdown, but the police would be working on clearing and searching the school. one of our friends has her bag on her and we start sharing the food and water she had on her, now slowly abandoning the idea of being quiet. our suspicions of an immediate threat have dimmed down, and everything we hear from outside is just staff and the cops. creaks of the flimsy wall no longer made us jump, and we didn't shush each other when someone talked to loud or shifted arond, causing the chairs to scuff as they moved on the carpet.

we're nearly two hours in and my mother texts me, saying that the police have closed off the roads surrounding the schools and placed extra security outside our school, which led us to believe that the threat was outside near the front of the school. still, we were a good distance away and the walls were thick that we would be fine. we're talking normally now, sitting on desks, braiding my friend's hair. we all still have to pee, but we're not so tired and hungry anymore. we get word that the students in the auto shop are being evacuated by the police, and we hope we're next. our school is officially over, and now we just want to get our things from our lockers, use the washrooms, and go home, maybe hit a tim horton's or the caf on the way out. we start deciding what to watch on netflix, sharing phone chargers. another kid pipes up, saying he's heard that the cops have drones outside. there are apartment buildings across the street from our school, and some students went home there, and sent us snapchat videos from their balconies. we could see cops with sniper rifles on the roof, and we hear that there are also cops patrolling the stairwells. we start singing songs collectively, an acapella version of wii music, take selfies and make jokes about our situation. some friends and i call ourselves the bomb squad, pun intended, and start the joke ' out for bomb threats'. it was horrible of us to be making these jokes about such a serious situation we were in, but we didn't want to think about the harsh reality of it, and rather prolong our panic attacks.

over two hours in, and one of our vice principals show up with a few cops, saying the lockdown will end shortly, and then move on. it starts getting hot and stuffy in the small room, so much that a girl's hair begins to frizz up, and we all really have to piss. we're either complaining about having to pee, making jokes about having to pee ("we'll start a piss corner!"), or telling each other to stop talking about having to pee as that makes us have to pee more. we hear word that kids from the auditorium across the hall ar enow being evacuated, a half hour after the kids in the auto shop. still, we hope we're next and that the cops will let us get our things and use the washroom. there's rumours one of the cops brought pizza to one of the classes, and we begin to complain about how we're hungry again, having eaten all of our friends' lunch. we stick a pad on the carpet and play hangman on it. we're now allowed out of the smaller room and into the main library, but still have to be "quiet" and cannot leave the library. we can see a cop with a rifle patrolling the foyer; the emergency lights are on and we feel we're closer to being able to evacuate, maybe they'll lift the whole lockdown now. cops and the principal enter; they say they are still searching the school and will evacuate us shortly, but for now we all have to write our names on a piece of paper, we're playing on laptops and phones, reading books. we find two boxes of granola bars behind the librarian's desk and go ham on them; they're gone in seconds. one of the cops the pregnant suppy to the washroom and back. we hear that they did locker searches, and over three hours in our principal comes again, again saying we'll be out soon.

my friend snapchats me, saying she was in the office at the time of the lockdown and had been hanging out there (she was able ti sue the private office washroom! no fair!) but could hear the principals and staff talking with the cops. they say they're going to evacuate us to the football field beside the school. we won't be able to use the washrooms or go to our lockers beforehand, maybe after. we really have to pee now, and we're agitated because of that, and because we've missed 4:20 and have been in the school two hours past our usual let-out time. another friend of mine texts me, saying she's in the drama room near the library. we begin to wonder what's taking so long. my friend in the office snapchats me, saying she's been evacuated. the cops come back, and its been over four hours now. one cop says that we need to buddy up, and we all panic to find a friend. he says we need to stay with that partner, and we need to stand in 2x2 lines close together. we will be evacuated out the back of the school (the library is close to the front of the school) and to the field beside where my friend is. we are to go straight there, and we will not be allowed to go to our lockers, the washrooms, get food or drinks, that we're not allowed to text or tweet or make phone calls. he heads the group and leads up out, another cop brings up the rear, and we're lead the long way out the far back, down three hallways, across some lawn and down the street further until we're allowed to cross over to the field. cops are scattered around the halls of the school, lighting the way almost, holding doors open. once outside, a few teachers direct us over. i meet up with my other friends, and we see our outdoor ed teacher. she's happy to see us all well and safe, and she asks a cop if we're allowed to leave now. the cop says we are allowed to go out the back roads, and that parents can meet us by the old highway (it's now a main street). if we take a bus, we're to get on the bus. we can wait to go back inside the school and get our things once the cops give the all clear, but we will not be able to leave again until the school board itself gives the all clear. a cop says that could take a few hours. only one of my friends takes a bus, and we see her to it. our teacher brings up google maps on her phone and makes us call our parents, telling us where we should exactly go and meet our parents. we bid her farewell and tell each other to stay safe and begin walking. i see one of the sophmore students i peer tutor fifth period, and i'm happy to see him well. he says he's waiting to get on his bus and that a cop pointed a gun at him. i tell him to stay safe and continue walking with my friends. a car stops us, and a young woman is in the driver's seat, asking if she can get down any further on this street. busses and cars line the street, and the streets directly beside the schools, where we crossed over, were completely closed off and empty that my friends and i walked down the middle of the street. we tell the woman its best to park here and meet her sister up ahead. my parents drove up further than what i had said to meet them, and i say goodbye to my friends as they continue on.

there's nothing more of importance to say, besides the fact that i did get to a bathroom, at a nearby tim horton's. i see a friend from my first period philosophy class who's showed up two hours late for her shift. for the first time in awhile, i drove myself to school that morning. i left my keys in my bag in my locker, and had no choice but to leave the car there overnight and push the shopping trip with my sister back to tomorrow. overall, we're all okay. a little shaken and emotional, but no one's been physically hurt. we all received calls from the school, saying it's been completely cleared and safe, but my mother read on the news that two more threats were made after everyone had been evacuated and that police are still investigating. other friends of mine contacted me after, saying that a cop kicked in one of the doors upstairs in the science hall; that they had been caught outside and had to wait the entire thing out by the cops. everyone had been evacuated roughly five hours after we first went into lock down, and police are still yet to find any bombs, only threats.

again, i'm not sure why exactly i'm sharing this. to remind you all that it's not cool or funny to call in bomb threats as jokes, and to always be safe and keep track of your friends in such situations. councillors and youth and social workers will be at my school tomorrow. i feel that i should go in and talk to one, but i've never spoken to one about something like this before and i'm not sure what i would say. my story is average, but i still can't help but feel shaken up and weak and anxious and hallowed out because of it.

thanks to anyone who actually read all of this. stan 3ye and happy pride month.