so hey,

i knooooow. it's been a long, LONG time since i last made a blog -- happens and so does the rollercoaster called life. but yea it's been months and obviously I HAVE A LOT TO TELL IN THIS BLOG and i hope you get to enjoy reading bits of my life (if you find it interesting enough or if i have any readers left) (do i even have readers in the first place?)

 

HA.

 

anyway, i wanted this to be clear: this blogging thing has been off my mind since the last time i posted. i was busy doing heaps of schoolwork and i just couldn't rest enougH. oh dear. so right now i happen to have free time and once and for all, update you guys (again, if i do have ppl reading this then yay, but if not, lemme just do this for mahself okrrrt?) about my college life for the past 2 months.

 

/// if you're just here for the crushie update, please skip the following paragraphs and actually skip everything dont try to read this anymore you dont deserve me at my best JKKKKKK but yea pls go ahead and read the ♡♡♡♡♡ paragraph ///

 

i said to myself when i was still in high school that i'll never let people influence me or sway me -- i'll just be who i am. (cue dalla dalla by itzy) but then again, when you're surrounded by all these bedazzling and beautiful ppl it's kinda hard for me to not follow the trend. WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS UNI SO DAMM GORG? it's like instagram in real life. to the point that i'll feel bad for myself if i didn't care how i look. djdkssk SADT. 

 

but ok maybe it isnt that bad. like, maybe this newfound (if i may be bold to phrase it) "self care" isnt so bad after all. i try to buy new clothes that look more trendy. i buy makeup and skincare for my face to not look awful and stressed. and i do feel kind of empowered afterwards. i like it. although i cannot disregard the fact that this stemmed from literally the society within my school. and i don't like the ring of it when someone simply conforms to what society dictates (am i reaching hereee) djkdks but it's nice that i shaped this thing to improving myself for me and for my emotional satisfaction. 

clothes and beauty shopping are awfully expensive tho!!!! when youre always on a tight budget (can i get a beauty brand like glossier sponsorship pLS? LOLJK)

i almost forgot two mention that my two roomies are highkey fashionable and gorg??? wtf i'm like a potato stuck in between two supermodels. they have influenced me AND I WILL GLADLY TAKE THE BAIT. /hohohoho i bet you can't see my underlying insecurities hohoho bet///

 

moving on, GRADES-WISE  i uhhh i did pretty okay during my first semester but in my second semester? especially with calculus and physics stepping into the limelight and pushing me off the stage???? oh mercy, i can only hope to pass. LET'S SEE THOUGH. the sem's not yet finished. maybe i can still turn things around. even by a small fraction. maybe luck will find its way to me.

 

♡♡♡♡♡AND FINALLY, WHO'S HERE FOR THE CRUSH POST????? coz same,,, but surprise not surprise though coz i still like this new dude. knowing me, i tend to have a crush on someone quite long (me longest was 4 years). ANYWAY, i dont see him as much as before but i secretly hope i do meet him again. thats why i linger at the cafeteria longer bcs thats where i mostly see him with his friends. but i wasnt able to see him during the past weeks, SAD ik but its ok. its just a harmless, happy crush after all. it's not like i have plans on being together "together" with the dude bcs first of All, he doesnt know me lol. second, i dont plan to be in a relationship for now. and THIRD (just for aesthetic purposes i'll be adding a third reason), he'll never be the one for me. just liking him from afar is dope. BUT HEAR ME OUT GOSH, i chanced upon this super lucky moment in time where i saw him again just a few days ago. I WAS GUSHING INSIDEEEE AAAAAAAA. and i did NOT ONLY see him, i was also in close proximity with him, I'M TALKING ABOUT 1 FOOT DUDE, JUST ONE FRIGGIN FOOT. and he was with a mutual friend of ours. and that mutual friend knew i liked him so she gestured for me to come to them.

 

knowing the shy girl that i am, i was supposed to wave bye and leave the scene immediately BUT MY SENSES WENT IT, it's been ~years~ since you last saw your crush shimmie, go your shyness and GO. so without me thinking straight, my legs just went straight to them and i made small talk with the mutual friend.

 

I DIDNT LOOK AT MY CRUSH THE WHOLE TIME  as i was just focused on (or trying to) talking to the friend. BUT MAN, I COULD SEE AND FEEL MY CRUSH AT THE PERIPHERY. HE WAS SO, SO CLOSE TO ME. i, i, i,,,,,,.really tried not to squeal out loud. he was also on his phone talking to someone. AND MAN, I COULD HEAR HIS VOICE CRYSTAL CLEAR.

 

he had this DEEP, HONEY, CHOCOLATE, DREAMY, ing sweet i'm on my knees now, VOICE. WHAT THE . i was so en surprised.

 

it was my first time hearing his voice as i havent had the chance to talk to him nor be in close proximity with him before. BUT AS SOON AS I HEARD HIS VOICE i felt my knees weaken i think i almost wobbled and swooned. I MEAN, i expected rather a baritone to high voice based on how he looks (don't ask me why i had this evaluation, i also dk why) so this was absolutely shocking to me. least to say, i guess i like him more now.

 

OOOOOOOOOOF. shimz is falling. I REPEAT. SHE IS FALLING DEEPERRRRRR.

 

with regards to my great first ex though, i still like him but only in a way that i highly regard and respect the times we had together and the love he gave to me. the breakup broke me for a year and a half but i guess, time really heals everyone. i no longer think of him as frequently as before, nor do i cry over him. maybe thanks to my newfound crush, i can move on. i honestly didnt know i get to be in this situation where i'm free from the chains of the past but HELL YES???? you could very much say i'm free to love again.

 

thank you, jaewook.

thank you, next.