okay so a few days ago, like moments before the time of my emo sesh (shimmy's note: read previous blog), i actually, uh, developed a lil crush on someone. AND UH, it may not be a big deal for some but it was,,, really,,, something,,, crazy,,, for me.

after all, it's been more than a year since i caught these ~ feelings ~ over somebody and i had mixed feelings about these ~ feelings ~. do ya get ME? hmm, how do i say this? uh, i guess a part of me is happy and relieved. like yas gurl, i'm glad YOU are back to normal (?) again (?) (okay i usually crush on ppl easily since primary school /yes i know/// which stopped when i entered high school) WELL UNTIL A FRIGGIN WEEK AGO.  (also, yah,, i never crushed on my ex either although i considered him my great love)

my heart just went buh-boom!! clap!! boom!! boom!! cutie comin thru!! to this new dude and yee, suddenly i'm on my knees. it was surreal and it felt nice. glad to know the idea of romantic love ain't over for me yet snksssksks.

AND HONESTLY I DIDN'T EXPECT it was gonna be this guy. sure, he's cute. he really is. but he's not really my type??? it's just that i kept seeing him around the campus CONSTANTLY that i begin finding him more than being just objectively attractive -- someone that could actually tug at my heart? ? ? ? UHHH help??? someone??? anyone??? how dare this person sneak silently into my heart. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS??? WTF?????

i actually do like someone. i actually gush and blush over someone. wowza. in 2019??? for real??? like even if i just look at him from far away, i'm so sooo happy already. isn't that what happens normally in crushes? HEHEHI. btw, he and i are from different colleges (but within the same uni!!) so it's actually pretty dope that i get to see him from time to time. but he doesnt know me though (sad i know ; n ;) but we have lotsa mutual friends i'm sure we'll get to hang some time in a party or two jsjsjsjsj yaaaaz. lol.

BUT HOOOOOOKAY, part of me also was disoriented? which led me to the emo sesh a few days ago where i stayed up like until 5 am just thinking about a certain ex. because i always had this wishful thinking that maybe we'd get back tgt, if i just waited. and of course, i still had feelings which are so deep-rooted it's so hard to erase. lingering feelings which i may have to accept and carry on my back for the rest of my life since you can never forget first loves, a great one at that. 

so in those wee hours of dawn, i was just kind of reliving the past and coughsbawlingmyeyesoutcoughs and having this question float in my head: am i ready to let go of the ship that have long sunk yet i still manage to dive into -- maybe bcs of me being a sentimental and the first love thingy -- consistently everyday?

COZ YEA, you have to clear your house before letting someone occupy it. and i still have doubts clearing all of the mess tangled within, merry moments and memories intertwined, happy mess, sad mess, angry mess, beautiful mess. so very surely i have no answer yet to the question in hand.

but maybe it's a good idea to.