content warning ahead: this blog contains mentions of suicide, self harm, depression, anxiety and of the like so if you find yourself here for some reason but are sensitive to these topics, do not read

 

I guess it's weird I still write blogs here since no one really reads them but I suppose that's why it's easier? there's really no one I know irl on this website to the best of my knowledge and I can just talk freely about how I feel without really holding back

honestly I have no idea how long I can keep going, feels like I'm getting worse every day that passes by
I said no to therapy but I am gonna start taking meds very soon but what's concerning me is that I'm just gonna mix them with alcohol and overdose to feel numb
or to gather courage to finally kill myself like I've always planned
Every time I drink, it just turns into me crying mess who self harms and last time was terrible
I got my best friend involved and was enabling her self harm
I was basically kicked out of the army for being emotionally unstable which is ironic since the whole reason I turned to a psychologist and a psychiatrist was to get help but that never happened
Ever since then I spent all of my remaining money on tattoos and impulsively got too many to the point that from having two tattoos, in the span of three months I now have nine

I started a job and couldn't keep it since it was too stressful, I can't even socialize like man, how am I gonna find a decent job if I'm legit scared to leave the house but also feel crazy and trapped in here?

I feel like a waste of space and money to my parents, I literally just stay home all day doing absolutely nothing 
Like dear god I'm 19 I have to do SOMETHING, work or study or anything but I literally am physically and emotionally incapable of doing that
I  feel so sad knowing my two best friends feel the same, that they also self harm, that they're suicidal and have attempted to kill themselves more than once
I can't function and the thought I might lose one of them any coming day now is taking its toll on me
I don't know what to do and frankly speaking even if I knew, I probably wouldn't do it either
I'm just self destructing, self harming and becoming a hermit 

I feel like I'm wronging my girlfriend just by existing
I call her every time I'm drunk and tell her how much I wanna die and cut myself and wish I was gone
She's constantly worried about me and I feel terrible that I don't even do basic things like eat or drink water
Every time I'm taking too long to respond or too long in the shower or in the bathroom , she automatically assumes I've done something to myself and I feel absolutely horrible for making her worry about me constantly 
I can't stand the thought of her wasting her time, energy and even some money on me because I'm just gonna be gone one day and she'll have to deal with 
Like, there's nothing I can do to fix it
Nor do I want to fix it
I just want to stop feeling like this and somehow the only solution that  comes to mind is killing myself
I'm terrified of dying, I'm not gonna lie, but I still just want to stop
I want to make everything stop
I seriously just can't 

What do you do when you feel like this
it feels like everyone in my life knows I am like this but they all turn a blind eye, hoping I'll get better
they're all clueless as to what to do
and so am i