So i still can't get over him. i still love him and care for him. but ik he will nerve do the same. i miss him so much. today would have been out 4 months. i miss him so much dispite how much pain he put me through. i care for him more as a friend now rather than a lover. he was always the better friend. the relationship was toxic. and here's why

the bad:

1) i was always put second

2) i always felt like i was the only one giving stuff up

3) i had placed him as my happiness

4) i sacrificed everything for him and gave him everything

5) he always wanted to choice games/ other things rather than me and all i asked for was attention

6) i felt like i was the only one pulling the weight

but dispite all that there was still some goods out of it

1) i was really happy

2) i smiled for real

3) i felt loved

4) i felt safe

ik its just been a few days, but i miss him dearly. i'm starting to focus on myself a bit more. i'm working out to get my abs, and more of an , im singing and doing art again. i'm going to be seeing a counselor, and i may just need to go see a therapist. he was my everything, but i have to let him go. i just wish i can get over all this crap so i can be friends with him. like i said before he's a better friend than he is a lover.

i had a dream about him the other night, where basically he had a new gf (in the dream not irl) and we were invited to this party. i texted him and i made him chase me into a room. i hide in a closet and that's where he found me shaking. "why are u shaking?" 

"bc ik your not mine, anymore."

"but this is a dream you can have anything you want."

"Pretty eyes that are no longer mine. whether or not it is a dream or reality. i cannot have you. you do not belong to me anymore..." i told him with tears in my eyes. 

he looked at me and left the room. i stayed and wept a bit more but i too left the room. the little world where we called out own. i closed the door, only looking back once.   

i want to be friends with him really but ik i can't rn. i tried to text him like normal. but that too won't help me. so i'll wait until i can move on. i'll gain the body i always wanted and stop trying to make him love me again. 

i miss him yes. i still care very deeply but ik that i will be okay. i just miss all the little things he did. and it's going to be hard to find another person who will make me feel like what he did anytime soon.