I have ever only written my love story in the form a blog once, and that is, this one particular blog. 

I decided to pour it here because I don't know where else I could describe what I feel. I can't share this on Twitter since the person I'll write about follows me there. There are a lot of my mutuals as well, so this is the last . 

This story isn't as dramatic as other people might have had, but it still causes me pain. I need to let this out. I need someone to hear.

This is about her. 

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I met her, or should I say, found her from Twitter. She is a Filipino while I live in another country. She likes Blackpink like I do and ships Jensoo as I do. It all began when I was scrolling through my timeline and I found her tweet that said she needed a compilation of Jensoo fanfics. I dm-ed her. It all began as me being a helpful mutual, but that was where it all started. 

We got closer. That was something I didn't expect at all at first. Because, every time someone makes promises like "Let's talk again tomorrow" or "Let's talk more", it all ends up as empty words. No DM would come, let alone relationship formed. But she, she texted me the following morning. I still remember clearly how she chirped about Blackpink's comeback marking the day as a good one. Yes, how silly it sounds that our friendship (or whatever it was that we had) started as Blackpink's Ddu Ddu Ddu Ddu comeback started. We ended up talking all day long. I dared her a challenge, that if we played a game and she lost, she would send me her picture. 

She is pretty, I almost squealed when she finally lost the game and sent me one photo. She refused to agree that she is pretty and she never does 'til now, but she is pretty to me. 

Briefly put, we came to the point where we began flirting. With a lot of ual innuendos. Then, one morning, we did the ting. It was pretty much me doing her and I told her I would be waiting for the day where I could get my turn. Everything passed by normally, rather beautifully to me. We texted from the moment we woke up 'til we fell asleep. We did a lot of flirting. These were almost for every single day. Everything was normal, even after she told me that she could not give me my turn because she was afraid that she would disappoint me, I forgave her and tried to understand her. Everything was normal. 

Until one day

I don't even, up to this moment, know what happened that day. That day where she suddenly went missing. We had been chatting normally since the morning. She was on her way back from her hometown to the city she is currently staying in. The night before, we played another game and it was like a habit that every time we lost, the winner got a chance to ask a question. I was the defeated one that time, so she promised she would think of a question. The next morning she told me she had got a question, but she would ask later. I waited 'til she said she was on an Uber ride, almost reaching home. I thought it would be a perfect timing to ask if she wanted to ask the question at that moment. 

Then she stopped replying. 

I texted her again and again, worried to the extreme that something bad had happened. If you didn't know, I have terrible anxiety and depression. Every time someone I love goes missing, I go crazy. I waited and waited until night, until the next morning, until night again. I checked online if anything had taken place in the city she is staying because storm was all over The Philippines those days. No reply. No signs of her online on Twitter. I had nothing besides her Line and Twitter account. I could do nothing but wait. 

On the following Monday, in the morning, she finally tweeted something on Twitter. I was so relieved. I quickly chatted her again to see if she would reply, and she did at last. Asked her too what had happened, but she refused to give me a clear explanation of why she had gone missing. All she replied was "Nothing happened, just my own stupidity". That's all to it. I also asked if anything had changed between me and her. Her reply was "Nothing has changed. But remember some things could change one day, even if we don't want to". I don't even know what it was supposed to mean, but it wasn't really important to me back then because all I cared about was that she was back. Everything seemed to come back to normal. We began chatting all day long again like usual. 

I still remember it was Thursday when things began happening again. I simply asked her that day if she had read the stories I sent her (it was my journal to a country) and she answered that she hadn't. I told her that I would like her to read it soon. Maybe, just maybe, I said that in a way that upset her a little bit, because after that she sounded rather lazy in replying my chat. The replies after that were also cold and distant, like she was not interested in talking to me like she normally had been. I reassured her again and again if she was not mad at me for asking her about reading the stories, but she said she was really not mad at all. 

Then, a few days after that, she went missing again. Well, not completely this time. I saw her online on Twitter a day or two after that, tweeting and retweeting and stuffs, but in our chatting world she had disappeared. I was frustrated and desperate. I kept texting her and called her a few times, but nothing came out of it. I decided to just let her be, thinking that she might also be stressed out because of something. On her twitter she tweeted things like being depressed, so I thought she was also not in a good condition and I just should let her be. I sent her a comforting message on Twitter Dm because it seemed like she opened her Twitter more than her Line. 

Everything just started to decline from that point. One day (it was a week or two after that), her reply finally came. She apologized for everything she had done and that all she knows is how to shut people out in her life. I told her I could understand her and that I still wanted to be her friend. But, everything is just not the same from that moment. She no longer texts me good morning. There is no more good night and stuffs. There is no more constant chatting all day long. No more flirting. Everything is just bland. Every time I try to get closer to her again, it will be like she is not interested. 

We still talk now, but only occasionally. Although I have a girlfriend right now, I can't stop thinking about her. She is the one who can make me smile. The way she chats and jokes is just different. But again, if she is avoiding me on purpose because she doesn't want us to be more than friends, I hope she knows that it's not what I want. It's not what I fcking want. I just want things to be okay again. I don't need the flirtings, I just don't want the awkwardness. If she finds it disgusting for us to be more than friends, it's perfectly fine for me. I just want her in my life and be my friend that I can talk to. Talking to her makes me happy. That's all. Everything I want is so simple and yet so complicated to get. I just want to talk to her. I just want to talk to her. I just want to talk to her. 

This story is nothing to a lot of people, like I am making sadness out of nothing. But I cry a lot because of this. Believe me when I said I am in pain. I keep wanting to cut myself because of this. I don't need people to give me suggestions on what to do regarding me and her, I just want people to hear. I don't know how else I could completely let this out because my heart hurts. 

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