This is my third time trying to write this blog post and explain a bit of what's going on in my life, but... talking about mental illness when you have mental illness isn't easy... 

I've mentioned before that I have depression, and it tends to get worse during the later/earlier months in the year. Not necessarily seasonal depression, but moreso, those are more triggering because of the events in my life that have contributed to my depression. 

Things that I haven't talked about is how bad my anxiety is (and how much it has gotten significantly worse in the last three months), how many stressors I have actually going on that I try and keep down and ignore but genuinely cannot ignore, not anymore, and for the first time in my life... I've realized that I have body image issues as well. Or rather, I've always know, but its really come to light in the last couple of months and I've discovered just how bad it is.

To start off with, when I made my last blog post about coming back, I was going through a sort of remission, I guess. Nothing seemed as bad, nothing felt as bad, I felt like I was in a decent place in my life. This usually happens right before November starts, as it has happened in the past, but this year... it felt different. Like it would actually stick.

What I didn't realize is that... it would be so much worse than in the past. And perhaps that is why my emotional high was so much higher.

November rolled around and I began Nanowrimo, which I somehow managed to win this year, but hate the fic that I wrote and have already trashed the majority of it, so yay. It was my first non-fanfiction story, and I had almost abandoned it in the beginning, but then at last minute from the first or second week, i can't remember, I just started writing it again. More and more, and every free chance I got during class, I wrote it all in the notes on my phone. I didn't update it on the nano site, because going on there started to give me anxiety, so I just let it build up in my phone, without keeping track of word count or anything. And on the last day of November, I updated it and somehow had the most words I had ever written in such a short period of time (I'm actually considering using this method to write my other stories, but that's not what this blog post is about).

Anyway, that's basically the only good thing that happened during this period, and it didn't last, because I ended up deleting most of the words because I just... hated the story. Loved the characters, hated the story. 

Anyway, my depression got so much worse during this time period. Bad enough that I have barely talked to my friends, or my family even, other than important stuff. I missed a lot of school, and called out of work twice, and had three different panic attacks, one of which was severe enough that I heaved and vomitted (sorry for the tmi). I am not the type of person to skip school or work (or well... I skipped school in high school a lot, but that's because my depression was super bad then and high school was honestly useless, I still graduated with honors despite never being there).

One of the stressors that I believe contributed to all of this, especially me calling out of work, is the fact that I left my old job for a new job, at a place that I have been trying to work at for four years now. I finally got hired, and for the position I wanted to, and I love that position. But the manager, she's... a disgusting human being.

A little bit of a back story that is revelant in all of this. My very first job, I was a cashier. Toward the end of working there, we were robbed, at gunpoint. I was the one on the register at the time. And ever since then I've had really bad anxiety over cashiering. I can't control it, my body just starts to get anxious and I start panicking when I'm left up there for extended periods of time. It got worse working at my last job, because I've had people literally throw at me because they didn't get something they wanted. 

Anyway, I was, for some reason, not getting trained properly in the position I was hired for, and they were giving me cashier shifts instead. So, I went and talked to the manager about it, and she seemed super understanding, said she would work on getting me in the proper position before Christmas and she would limit my shifts to being back up cashier instead.

The following week... I only have cashier shifts. And the week after that, and the week after that. It's not like two weeks til christmas, and I still have yet to be trained in my position, and to make matters worse, two people were hired two months after me, and they've both been tried for the position and now have shifts in that position. But when I ask about it, she just says it was bad timing for the holidays and I'll just have to wait until the season is over, etc. 

But then she also cut my hours, so I'm not even making enough to pay my ing bills.

And then, I talked to one of my coworkers about it, and apparently this manager is known for doing stuff like this. She's the reason so many people quit. She'll find a weakness and put someone in the position of facing that weakness, because she gets enjoyment out of it. it has happened five times in the last six months. Its making my anxiety even worse.

But I've been looking for another job and can't find one. 

Another stressor is obviously school. I'm not doing as well this term, which I can contribute part of being absent so much, which is my fault. But it is still stressful nonetheless, and I could fail. And now this winter storm has come it and I can't get back to town for school tomorrow and if it's not cancelled then I miss one of my finals, and therefore fail my class.

Stressor number three. My car is a literal death trap. It has two problems wrong with it that can literally kill me, but I can't afford a new car so I'm stuck driving it. The intake gasket is broken, so my car could catch fire at some point, and the rack and pinion is going out, which means it can break, I can lose control of steering, wreck and die. It's pretty serious, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're just praying that it ends up working out.

Stressor four. I'm trying to sell my house back where I'm from, but my family has torn it apart and made it disgusting, but since my car is broken, I can't even go back during break to check on it and get done before we turn it over to the realestate woman. 

Stressor five, my health has gone to again and I no longer have health insurance to take care of it.

And lastly, I have discovered that I have body dysmorphia.

In october, I decided to try a diet, because I just didn't feel happy with how I looked or felt. And well... that spiraled into a giant mess of looking at myself and thinking that I look ing disgusting and hating myself so ing much. It honestly , and I know it's not healthy, but I still feel that way. I can't stop it. I won't go further into details cause some dark has happened since then, but yeah. I ing hate myself.

And that basically sums up the last three months of my life.

Hence why I fell off the radar pretty much and haven't updated at all.

At some point... I really do want to, but I think it might just be best for me to do it on my own, without updating... just... writing like I didn't before. And when I'm ready to update again, I will.

I wish... I don't know. I wish it wasn't like this, and I know this might just come off as me complaining, but I really needed to let this out somehow and I just... I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone that I know in person. 

Mental illness , but thanks for listening if you did.

I promise I won't be gone forever, just until I get my head sorted and maybe even just until I get some writing done and feel a little less horrible about that aspect in my life.

Bye :')