Have you ever broken a limb before?

That split second before your brain registers pain and that moment you feel breathless. It’s like you are frozen within that moment. You know pain is imminent but you feel absolutely nothing for that small, tiny moment. 

I am stuck in that moment. I feel breathless and I know pain is coming I feel nothing yet  I am afraid to feel or maybe I am ignoring the pain but I am numb. 

Its like I can see that my limb is disfigured where it has broken and yet I feel no pain  I am stuck in that tiny breathless moment waiting for the wave of pain to wash over me but I am frozen.

it seems since that day I have been frozen in a moment not allowing myself to feel pain. I am afraid because I know that pain is crippling.

I want to stay frozen here because then it means that what they say isn’t true. That what I believe and know to be true isn’t true. That everyone is ok and that person is just busy with life  they will call me when they aren’t busy  

However I know that is not true  it’s a lie. That day I saw the lid close I fell to my knees because I became unfrozen. I felt that wave of pain except it wasn’t a small wave but a tidal wave that has pulled me out to sea. Now I’m lost within the icy cold depths of a vast ocean  

i can’t move or I am afraid to move. I wish I could have stayed in that moment where reality was far from me. That the lie was true. 

I want to go back to the day before, to a world where they still exist...