im sorry

I want to die so bad.

 

And no, this is not for some sympathy or attention, but I just don't have anyone else to tell this. I talked to a friend about this and she gave me some worthless advices, grateful anyway. And understandable cus everyone got different paths.

 

It just that, I'm tired of being a nuisance the most and that is not even my only problem. And I won't write a whole about it because it would just make me think "aaaah... these people might think I'm annoying, a burden, shameful", another reason why this has always been a secret.

 

I don't ask for this, I'm not romanticizing my condition, I'm never clinically diagnosed as someone who has any mental health and I've never self-proclaimed to have a depression. I'm still so young and being mentally sick is the least thing I wanted right now. Not when I have my major exam just a couple weeks away.

 

That exam that will take me to the adult world, whether I'm going to a university, the place my parents badly want me to go. But because my family is not financially well off, I am selfish enough to say I don't want to go. And they have the nerve to say they will pay for the fee and I just have to study when they always forgot my daily allowance. That's not the point though, I know I'm taking a reckless option, but this teenage emo phase will end and I'm going to change my mind anyway lol

 

I survived a week more after my huge breakdown. It was when I really can't take it anymore but my God protected me and I was able to calm myself and think rationally. It was harsh, my head was pounding so much, breathing was rushed and I almost choke out of breathlessness. The day when I showed my exam trial result to my parents who are having high hopes to a child like me, a dumb one out of all my siblings. There's a reason for that, I get it, but it is unbearable for me.

 

Sure I failed a subject, and other subjects weren't that good too, and I hate disappointing them. But the voices inside me kept telling me to rebel, be reckless, be rude, show em I don't want to do what they're telling me. But I would be lying if I still say I want to fail.

 

So I decided not to live anymore. I'm still so young and if I'm having already this much on my plate? I haven't even start on the s I'm going through, and damn it. That sounds sooo ignorant for a 17 year old me.

 

I'm sorry for being annoying yet again.

Back to Top ↑

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
sleepingprince #1
No matter what , dying will not solve your issues / problem. You should try talk and discuss your thoughts with your parents ..Surely , every parent want the best for their child , however I dont think they would force you to the edge .

Studies is important especially these days where job opportunity is less , and the economy is really bad . You need to try and see things from a different point of view. They want you to study for your future. They want you to have a better life and dont suffer like them.

If they forget your allowance , you can asked them politely. It happens especially if they are busy working and etc.. If they are not at home , maybe you can pack some lunch from home to school.

You are lucky that they supported you even thou they are not financially well off. Some parents dont even let their kids to school and asked them to just stay at home take care of their siblings. Imagine not knowing how to read and write ... Everyday sit at home and when they grow bigger , people will laugh at them and look down on them and the list goes on.

Study is not easy . No one is good at everything but what you can do , is to keep trying and work hard. Do extra exercises and etc.. To be able to have knowledge is a blessing.

Now you're still young , you dont see and feel the importance of it yet... Once you're out of school , you'l realized what it means. The out world is not like what you think it is. You're being paid according to your level of education , people will judged you based on that , the job you get and etc.. If you want to help your family and yourself , you should do your best while you can.

No one expect you to be perfect , but at least you should try your best and also think for others. During my national examination , I did well except for one particular subject . I got a D. However , I never regret it because I know I did my best. At least I still scored well in other subject and managed to get my certs and graduate ...

Its okay if your're not well off but its not okay to use it as an excuse . Money is hard to earn. You will realized it when you work yourself. Also , you're a teenager soon going to be an adult , you need to learn to take responsiblities . Everything that you do comes with a consequences. So please think carefully before you decide to do something.... One step wrong , you'l regret it forever.

Are you proud of yourself when you do it ? Always asked yourself this question. What wil your parents feel if people say their child is rebelious and etc ? Do you think your friends will stick with you forever and help you in times of trouble ? Think again.

In life , its not about being the best. But rather always trying and improving for the better. Its okay to fail after trying . At least you try no one will blame you. Remember that you're too young to give up. These days , even elderly person go to school . Why do you think they do so? Obviously , education is very important. You need to learn until you die.

Learn to be kind to yourself. Find healthier ways to release your stress. Talk it out. If you need help / suppport you can always seek for it. Learn from your hardship ...You can do many great wonderful things in life if you have the right knowledge. You can help people and make this world a beautiful place .

Instead of focusing on your weak point , try to see your value and other good point. Use your talent and do something good out of it. Being a decent person is more important than being perfect / smart . You have a long way in life , so dont waste your chance.

I hope that you'l come back with a beautiful thoughts and learn to live life to the fullest regardless of your circumstances. Nothing is impossible and you can do great big things. Believe in yourself. Give yourself the chance to be successful.
callmesabby #2
I used to be in the almost similar condition like you do when I was 17 too, so I can understand how do you feel right now. No advice from me since I believe you can think of your own, but never give up. Always give yourself another chance.

If u are wondering, when I was 17, I had to deal with: my dad not having a job n kept asking money from us so I had to use my scholarship to support my studies n my family, my dad abusing my mom, people kept coming to our places to ask from the money my dad owed, moving house every 6 months, my academic achievement not doing well although i was one of the top students, failed in a subject during an exam, my parents often argued in front of me n my siblings for hours almost everyday and the list keeps going on but i cant write them here. :)

See? when i said almost similar, i really mean it. You dont have to feel sorry because back then, i was rebellious too.
Back to Top ↑