Firstly, thank you so much for sleepingprince for the advices and kind words. Only God knows how much I needed it. It was beautiful and again, thank you :)

It felt nice to have someone who actually understands our situation. I'm actually a troublemaker among my sibling (im the third out of four). I always ditch school, dont really study (but if i did, damn im really smart) and too insecure with myself. One day my dad cant take it anymore and he decided to have a slow talk. He hugged me and asked why do i have to ditch school. I was like, wailing really hard. It was something that i really wanted to from my parents ㅡ comforts. I said i was really insecure about myself, how short i am (not that i really care im fat so it doesnt look nice), how some girls gave me stink eyes cus im actually kinda jumpy and weird from what other ppl said. But the only thing i said was..

.."cus im ugly."

But my dad laughed it off and was like "that's it?" OHHHH he doesnt know what anxiety and insecurity does to a person. Actually im not really ugly lol but other ppl are just too pretty and snob, they brought me down. (i unprivate my instagram @farradesu you can tell how yucky i look)

My looks gave me depression and i have suicidal thoughts on my free time (but im still sane i dont cut my hand its okay). But seeing how my parents took it lightly, it burns.

It makes me feel sorry for them for having me as their child. My dad once said, "If i knew u were going to be like this, i should have straggle u back then." But i mean like every parents had at least said that once right. So it only burns on level 3 lmao.

And about studying, damn how much i wanted to. I wanna go tuition, I wanna study reaaaaally bad. But my parents are discouraging me. I once wanted to buy some maths books (i bought it but with my own money and fun fact is im brOke!). My mom just said, "you're not going to study anyway." oh fkcu it hurts hahaha.

I really wanted to have extra lessons and blah blah but seeing how my parents always talk about their money things, I just thought maybe i shouldnt waste it. I'm not evem smart anyway. Thus, my bro is 21 but he spends his own little money like he own the world and i really hate that. My sis is 19 but shes still in school and she stays there so she cant works. Hence, she needs a lot of money (and her school is a money er so broke peeps like my fam is *sigh* having a really hard time.

And abt my lil sis, ugh shes the youngest so she's loved so much. It's strange how when I said i got a fever, they said i lied. I was freaking dying ffs and when she had fever, they rushed to the clinic for medicine. Call me insane for wanting my own medicine and call me childish for wanting attention, but damn.

How i really need it.