💐Hello everyone~

Wow, it has really been a long time since I was on this site! So much has happened recently... good and bad. I will start off with the bad. Something that will change my life forever; and I don't think I'll ever be able to move on...

My boyfriend of about 5 years recently passed away. He had an internal injury from a situation a few years back. A few years back, the doctors said he might not live longer than a month, but he beat the odds and lived 5 more years. But, the fatality of the fatal injuries just recently caught up and took a toll for the worse, and he died in the hospital with me at his bedside. I was the last one to see him alive: the image of a couple tears running down his face, his eyes closing, and his warm hand gripping mine as he took his last few breaths will forever be stuck with me. Just a moment before the heart monitor went flat, he pulled me close and kissed me one last time.I can hardly think about it without having an emotional breakdown. 

So... losing my other half, and an extremely close childhood friend I've known since I was 8 years old, and my romantic partner of 5 years, caused my relapse. I'm never going to have that ever again. I'll never feel the same touch, I'll never hear the same voice. It broke me. There is a difference between just having , and having with someone you love, and whom you've known for more than half of your life. This might seem innapropriate, but I really crave those moments with him like crazy. I'll never have those same feelings and connections with someone, and I can't ever imagine making love with anyone else. Ever. And that breaks me.

(I'll call him C - His name doesn't even have a C in it LOL)... C died about a month before my senior year ended. He didn't live to see graduation. He didn't live to go to prom. They mentioned his name at graduation, and I just couldn't take it. I made no sound, but my vision was filled with tears. My life is over. 

So, after he died... I've recently lost about 20 pounds, and I've been throwing up like crazy and taking pills. A full blown relapse. C was the mot important part of my life, and now that he's gone- I literally have nothing left. I don't like anyone else. My mom was planning on taking me back to rehab, or even the hospital. I had a 2 days ago. It was hell, and I couldn't even speak. My chest had never burnt so much before, and I got crazy fast heart palpitations - my face was going numb and I couldn't move. I've never felt anything worse. I would never want to go back to that, but I am still deep into my relapse and starving and binging and purging every single day. It hurts. 

Hopefully, I'm not going back to rehab or therapy. I definately have to go to the hospital to check if I don't need to be hospitalized. I just feel like this is never going to stop. 

Well, thank you for reading... after I post this, I'm going to share some of my most intiment and sepcial memories with C; a soul that will never leave this world.

💓  AND my next post will talk about all of the good things that are going on in my life💓

~Rosemary