She has been changing for the rest of the years, she has been changing. Everyone realise about her changes yet, she didn't realise herself. For her, they don't knoe her well. In her own thought, no one will understand her feeling beside her own self.

She don't trust everyone. She refuse to trust anyone even her own friends. 

Friends?  
No. 

It's friend.

She don't need a lot because she thought she can just have that one friend of her. That onr friend that she give her completely trust and hope. She thought, she can just count on her, but... 

She don't even want to recall any of their incident. Because she know how much it hurt her. She know her ownself that she can never the pain that she felt whenever she remembered about her one and only friend. 

Was Friend.

She don't want to have hope anymore. She don't want to hope on anything. That is the main reason, why she choose to be alone. The only reason why she can't open up to anyone. She keep everything that happen in her life, is meant for her and no one csn knoe about  her. It will only make her pathetic and look completely idiot if she ever shared the burdens inside her.
Everything. Everything that she gone through, it's never easy. She is alone, walking alone, crying alone, she have no one by her side. It scared her. She is scare of course. Always having a thought that she is alone and need to stand by her own, it scare her so much. 

She is just like an ordinary person, she screamed whenever she saw the insect that she hate, she yelled out a little when the oil splashed a little on her hand whenever she cooked. She entertain herself. Playing games like everyone do. Sing in the shower,. She is same, with everyone. 

She laugh. She laughed out loud. More than anyone can laugh. She laugh a lot, laouder than anyone  can laugh.  And sometimes, someone even ask her,

"Aren't you so overjoy right now?' 

She can just answer it while still laughing.

 
"It's funny. My stomach is hurt" and contnue laughing. Yet no one know, in the middle her laughing, she let out a tears. Not tears of joy but tears of sadness. She thought. 

"I can't believe that myself is laughing when i have a lot of pain inside me".

The pain, the pain that she felt, she will never forget. There's a time where she just want to cry her out loud. There's a time where someday in the middle of night, she let out a tears. There's even a time where she just want to end her life. Three times, she tried. Three times she try to kill herself, bit none of it is success. From jumping from 14th building to poison herselr with medicine to hurting herself.  She wonder, why she still alive. 

She has been looking for an answer. An answer that no one csn give it to her, and answer that she herself knoe that she can't get it from anyone. But yet, she still want an answer. 

What she should actually do. ? She desperate to leave, but a part of her don't want. 

She fell in love. yet she know that she don't deserve to be love or even love. No one deserve her. She felt worse.  It torn her apart. She can't move one. She is not someone who can move one easliy. She don't want to feel sorry, but her whole heart has been attached. She fell in love. 
But she know. 
She don't deserve any love. either to be loved and loving someone....