Hi, this is me again after years! I'm happy to finally be back and I will continue some of my fanfics soon. I've been busy with my life commitment and after struggling for years, I finally got my first class honours in Bachelor Business Admin majoring in Finance. And drums roll! I'm finally working with one of largest bank in world as Executive for FX Commodities where I'm working in Confirmations & Settlement team. Adulting is hard but I'm finally earning money now haha and I get to do whatever I want to do using my own money.

So yeah here I am again to rant; I don't know where else to rant, I just want to write something to make me feel at ease.

Hope you guys (if anyone ever read) will bear it with me.

Yes, I'm finally need to move on, for real. I should erase this feeling permanently without leaving any trace.

The story began when I first know him when I was only 15, and we were dating for quite time. I was happy, he was happy, we were happy and so in love. To be honest, I sued to date another guys before him but, when I'm dating him I feel like "yes he's the one". He was messy unlike my previous "boyfriends", he didn't know how to dress up etc etc etc and he wasn't smart too. I'm smarter than him lol. 

I remember breaking up with him when I was 17, because my mom asked me to. I worked so hard, I studied so hard to prove to my mom that I can do this even though I'm dating someone. So time went so fast and we were already 18 when we finally back together (because my mom finally approved him). I got 7As for SPM (Malaysia's National Exam), was a best student two years in row so I guess that is why my mom finally approved him. But, he wasn't smart like me haha, he only got a pass. I got into university meanwhile he ended up going to normal college. Despite of lacking in everything, I still love him. So we both graduated and that was when he said to me, "I will earn money and  marry you". I swear to god, I was completely, deeply and madly in love with him.

So, he got a job and I further my study. When we was 22 years old, thats when he told me that he needed a break, since he was struggling financially because of his incompetent father and he needs to help with financial since his siblings are still young and schooling. Thus, me being understanding girlfriend ever, I told him, "yes we should break up, please just focus on your family first, I'll be waiting" so we broke up but still in contact with each other. We are not dating but I know we are not in friendship, it was more than friend less than boyfriend :")

I'm like...I love him so much that I could not describe it. I'm willing to sacrifice everything for him. I just...the feelings getting stronger throughout years, and I just can't stop loving him.

So, this is the most hearbreaking part.

Fast forward, we are already 25years old and wow it's been 10 years! Cheers to 10years being together! 

I remember the date exactly. 18th of August 2018.

I went to concert that day and I texted him asking him some favour so he did reply me. We were chatting for whole day and he even asked me to take care and text him back when the concert ends. So, I went back home quite late that day and I was like pcd-ing over Lee Hongki so I didn't text him back. So I just went to sleep that night.

When I woke up next morning.

A bomb dropped.

As usual, we woke up, scrolling through instagram post first right?

So I was scrolling and boom! His friend posted a picture with him...with his wife.

He's married.

With someone else.

Not me.

I broke down into tears, my heart ache, I coudnt think. My mind went blank.

What makes me disappoint is the fact he didnt told me that he's going to marry someone else while he was texting me for whole day?

I'm speechless so I just ended up crying for whole day.

I'm so hurt, I even think about killing myself. I spent my 10 years of life loving him. Only him.

I feel so hopeless.

To be honest up until today, I’m still thinking of him. I still stalk him on social media, I couldn’t block him; I did blocked him but I unblocked because I just…miss him. I want to see him, but it hurts me seeing him. I don’t know…

He looks so happy beside his wife. His wife looks happy beside him too.

When I said I’m willing to sacrifice everything for him, I meant it. Even if it hurts, but if he’s happy, I would like to sacrifice my own happiness for him. I know it feels so wrong for loving someone’s else husband…I need to finally moving on but it’s hard. It’s so hard that I could die. I just can’t stop, even though he hurts me so much. The 10 years we spent, it’s not like a short period of my life, it’s like almost half of my life I spent with him. We shared so many memories. My first movie date, my first karaoke date, my first bowling date, my first in everything. The only guy I showed my bare face, my-just-woke-up face. The only guy I sing aegyo song. The only one I shared so many things. The only guy I love till now.

I don’t know how to say this…but please pray for me. I need to move on. I really need to. I'm crying while typing this.

These days, I even need medication to make sure I get better sleep because I can't sleep thinking of him. 

Dear you,

You hurt me so muh but I dont know why I still like you, love you. But anyways, thank you for 10 years we spent together. At least we still had best memories together? Remember the very first time we met? You were wearing green shirt with blue jeans. I asked you to buy me phone prepaid and you did. After few days, you asked my phone number from my friend lol. You were so shy and your friends were encouraging you to ask me for a date and you DID! 

Remember the day when I cried so hard because I failed in my accounting test? You were there, telling me lame jokes and told me to not give up. Remember when we both broke and we shared a meal? Remember when we shared broken umbrella? Remember when we shared a drink together? Remember our first bus ride back to KL together? Remember our very first movie date? I still keep the ticket :")

Remember when I taught you how to make pizza? Remember how you compliment my cooking? Remember how you travelled 1 hour from your office to my house just because I cooked you sambal ayam? Remember when you were tired and I asked you to sleep at my house? Do you still remember how you promise me...I bet you didn't...

I miss you.

Please be happy, at least I don't have regrets of letting you go.

Please remember this foolish girl.

Goodbye for real, J.