i honestly don't have the best relationship with my mom. while other's can joke around with them, and be their best friend. my mom and i are just basically on an aquantence level. we went to a UC college event tonight and i said the majors that i wanted to do/i'm intrested in. i did not tell my mom about this at all, even though she asked me. i just don't feel comfortable talking to her at all. when i do i feel like she would jsut critize me saying "you said that you wanted to do this! you think that you are entitled to everything! you just be going around lying, oh wait if it's not word for word then it's not lying!" (or something along those lines). but honestly some of those things are things that were due to habbit. yes i do not know what i want but i do know that i want to be a doctor so i ask about pre-med alot. and not becasue i want to show my mom up. but becasue i actually want to. i don't mind being a nurse but a doctor is something i would like to do more. And i want to be a Dermatologist if not a Pysiaiatrist (exusce me if i spelt it wrong). but that's the truth i want to do that. sure i tell people different things but that's all in different time periods, except for my grandparents. yeah they wanted me to go to LSU. but i didn't want to go. every other family memebers i tell them i would like to go to a school in Cali, more specifially a UC school. i only said the LSU answer to make my family feel better. but i didn't want to tell that to my mom.

i don't think i'm entited to nothing. sure their might be somethings here and there, but most of it no. she wants to bring up my braces becasue i was asking for them and i said this "Better late than never." i only said that as i was in the moment. not only that but i knew i was getting them for a while and iwas just curious, becasue every time we went to the dentists my family would ask questions about me getting braces. i expect things to be given to me becasue that's how my school and alot of my recent life was. my school gave us a free ACT test without any real effort in us doing the applications. my family really in my eyes, just said "if you do good you get anythign you want." litteraly. i don't ask for much at all. more than half of the food she bought wasn't even becasue i asked for it. 

lying? i have a history of lying yes, but honestly sometimes i jsut can't remeber some conversations i have with my siblings in the car. but my brother also lies so can't we also assume he also is lying at that moment? she just evesdrops on my conversations i have with my friends and just only heard bits of it that she dones't even realize that i want to do certian things, and those havent changed, like me wanting to being a Dermatologist. i really want to do that. but i also have differnet intrest as i get older. so they ain't going to be the same as i was a freshman in high school.

i get mad at her becasue she makes me want to scream at her. and then my family intervines and then the cycle starts again. all i ask about when we were at the college night was "does the UCs offere Pre-med? what days can we visit it?  and if i was able to do a double major." that't it. i never asked a quesition about art. when a administrator asked me what majors do i want to do i said, "Studio arts and Public Health." she fussed at me for answer that question right on the dot and i could really answer her. becasue she though i was lying to either him or to her. becasue i didn't answer her when she asked me that. she then goes on telling me that i think i'm entitled to everythign adn that i'm ungrateful as i don't show any gradituted to her. and that i wasn't the one who quit their job, so that my sister and i could do after school activites. I never asked for them to quit. i said i would stay back. and for my activites i techincally have to do it becasue advance band = marching band  and we can't do anythign about it. i just took my SAT becase my firends were doing it, i was presured into it! 

she wants me to tell her things but how can i when were arent' even close. we don't even joke around. i feel akward just being around her. i feel better with my step dad than my own mother who by the way only lived with me for around 2 years give or take. i get made at her and i start to huff afn puff becasue i just bottle these things up. she wants me to tell her things adn report to her as well as make me motivatied? i say this to all her answers. Bull ! she's the reason why i can't really commite to a cartian thing because every time i try to push myself she make me drop it. i tried to do a program that Bard College held, she made me drop it becasue i was getting a C, my wrtting wasn't imporving, and i was staying up late. Well that was the whole point of Bard. to help students improve. all that i had just wrote she did not even bother to let me even take the first exam! i love doing student council, i really do. so when i was going to do it again last year she asked me this in the summer, "What are you guys going to be doing for school." and i said "Student Council again." let time go on and it's time to submit applications. im at home doing it and my mom pisses me off by saying "you never asked me to do that!" i was so pissed i didn't even want ot ask her. and the dead line was that very night. so i just didn't do it becasue she pissed me off to much. i was so ing up set because i was looking forward to improving thigs on the school. and with her reply she ed it up. she wants me to have more motivation? yes i know i'm not motivated but i had like nearly 5 years of my life without a mother to fuvking guide me. she wasn't even there. the only time was for christmas and a few time during summer break and that's not even a full ing year! she wants me tell her all these things but how can i when i can't even have a decent conversation with her without me feeling like i'm going to be introuble? or i'm going to be lechured at as well as feeling akward, and wanting someone to hit me with a car. Like no joke i litteraly prat for a car to hit me when she talks to me. 

do i feel guilty that i'm making them do all this? yes but that's why i'm trying to go to college and get a good job so i can repay them. i never tell her this becasue i don't even want to be in the same room alone with her. wants me to tell her things that i view as something i only tell people i'm close with or i need to tell. i get my things mixed up but honestly i just want her to stop trying to help me. and just ing stay out of my way. she just pisses me off and we both know our personalties don't collied.