Just a little while ago, I thanked everyone for your support. And I meant that and I am doing better than I did before and I am still very thankful. Nevertheless, this overtakes me and I can't stop it. I had to write it down to get it out of my system and I think I just want to share with you my process of grieving, I don't know why. I try not to only think of all the things I hate, but the things I love as well. It's a bit long, but it's not all negative ^^' 

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to read, but I think it's fairly easy to just ... leave. 

--

I hate that it was all for nothing. I hate that whatever I tried doing for you, didn’t help you at all. I hate that everything that seemed to be going well, only made things worse in the end. I hate that I couldn’t be there for you in the moments when you needed me. I hate that you couldn’t tell me how much pain you were actually in and I really, really regret that I hadn’t taken you to the hospital sooner. I regret that I left you on your own that day because of what he was doing and I had to get away from him. I should have been less selfish and I should have stayed by your side. I would have picked up on your pain much sooner and I would have been able to get you back in the hospital earlier.

I HATE that they didn’t take you seriously. I hate that they didn’t do something about that drain any sooner and I hate that whatever they seemed to have done about it, caused your passing away. I hate that I’m not a doctor and that I couldn’t have seen it coming and that I wasn’t allowed to look at anything, I wanted to have seen what was up. Maybe I… maybe I could have done something more than I have done now if I was allowed to. But I’m not a ing doctor and I don’t have any ing rights. But I hate how I lost you mom. I hate how powerless I am. I hate that I drove there every day, that we stopped by and had a chat with you, but couldn’t do more than that. You couldn’t even eat anymore. Why didn’t they look at that stupid drain earlier…. Why did they let you bleed to death? Why did I let you go so easily? Why couldn’t I do anything for you at all? Why was I here, trying to sleep while you were fighting for your life? Why couldn’t they see anything earlier and called sooner? Why did you have to die?

I know that I always tried to tell myself that when I’m down and lonely, I should just remember that I love myself. And it worked – for a long time it worked. It doesn’t anymore, because you’re not here anymore and I need your love. Mom’s love. Mom to cuddle with, mom to argue with and then make up, mom to ask for advice, mom to always know when things were up… I questioned before if I was ready for this loss – but I know now that I’m not. Doing everything on my own is much, much more difficult than I thought it would be. Because I thought I had been doing everything on my own when you were in the hospital. But then, I did all that with the thought that you’d come back home, the thought that you’d get well enough to hug again… to tell me when I am trying to do something stupid or to tell me when I did something well. I’ll never forget that you’re proud of me, but not being able to hear you say it… you were the only one who ever did that – the only one to ever point out the good things in me instead of the things I did wrong.

But then again…

I love how good of a mom you were to me. You were there for me when I needed it, when I thought I wouldn’t need it and most of all, when I thought I didn’t need you. You didn’t care about that, you saw me hurt, you gave comfort. You taught me right from wrong, taught me how to have my own opinion and you wanted me to voice it more. You wanted me to take my place in the world and stop hiding. I’m sorry, I still hide. c:

I love how we got to spend a lot of time together, even if it was because you were sick. First, when you were still at home, I’d just… take care of you to the best of my abilities. I mean, I’m not a nurse, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to shower you with my love. We’d still joke around and I actually got to know you better and I think you got to know me better as well. I think I learned to be more patient and I definitely learned to express my love better.

Then in the hospital, there was way too little I could do for you, but we’d come over and you’d always smile when you saw us. Even though you were in so much pain that you couldn’t even sit up from the hospital bed, you’d smile at us and we’d chat. I had grown so used to that… the first week after you passed, I felt like I was forgetting something; paying you a visit.

I had everything prepared – I even made phone-calls, especially for you, mom. :3 I’m sure you’d tell me you were proud of me if you could. You were going to come home and I’d take back up on caring for you, showering you with more of my love. Because that’s the most important thing you’ve been giving me my entire life.

When things got rough at school and I didn’t know what to do, you’d be there to comfort me. When people just didn’t understand me, you were there for me. Oh the frustration – but you always understood. You might not know of the countless moments you made my life better, but it’s because of you that I’m here. And not just in the physical, obvious sense. I’m here, a person with values, a person who respects others and tries to give as much love as she can, because of you.

I shouldn’t forget all that – I shouldn’t stick to the negative things anymore. I should look forward to a bright future even if I don’t know what that future is going to look like. I should keep pressing forward and hold your warmth, your love as close to me as I possibly can; inside my heart. At the funeral, even your colleagues told me that you were always talking about us, about how proud you were and that we were ‘your girls’. It puts a smile on my face, I like being your girl and I will remember to always keep being just that.

--

Thank you for putting up with my word-vomit :')