It never occured to me that there will be a day that I would be writing fanfiction stories. Yes, I do read fanfictions but not writing it. I always wanted to write. Anything. Just anything. My fingers itch to write. I just want to pour out my thoughts. But the thing is when I was facing the computer, wanting to write out my thoughts, I couldn't seem to write. My thoughts all jumbled up. I don't know where should I start. I'm not even sure whether I should write out my thoughts. It's like showing my bareself to people. But right now, I don't want to care anymore. I just want to write. Write out my thoughts. When you read this, you will feel that the sentences are all abrupt and not fluent? I don't know and I don't care. I'm not editing my sentences here. I'm not even going to check my grammar.

I do have 2 ongoing fan fics. Readers must be wondering when is this writer is going to update her story. Why does it take so long to update. I know. As a reader myself, I do feel frustrated when I waited for so long for my favourite stories to be updated. Even there are writers who wrote very good stories but ended up not updating for a few years. It makes me wonder why is the writer not updating it? Is the writer going to left the story hanging just like this? But the story is too good to be left abandoned like this.

After becoming a writer myself, I finally do understand that it's not that the writer is not making an effort to update their stories. It's that you need inspiration to write it. Honestly, I started reading fanfics since years ago. Hmm.. should I say around 7 years ago? But why do I only start writing last year? I never wanted to write stories because writing stories requires a lot of thoughts and time invested in writing especially when you have to study or work.

But last year, I felt at my lowest. I felt so lost. I do have family and friends. But I just have no one to rely on at that time. They couldn't understand my position. I know that they are worried about my future. But can't they have some faith in me? Do I look like the type who easily gives up? I was actually a positive person but I almost became depressed at that time because they were putting pressure on me. I felt so miserable. Suffocated. Stressed. I just want to escape from these feelings. So I decided to try writing. Maybe a story? As a way to escape from reality? So that's how I wrote my first story and wow.. I do have a lot of inspiration.

However, when things got better and I got busier, I found myself not being able to go on with the story. No matter how I tried to sit in front of the computer and try to type out the next chapter, I can't seem to do it. I tried to update. I really do. But all I get is a brick of wall.

Then things did not go well again this year. And I felt miserable again. This time, I felt that I really lost hope in humanity. How can they be so cruel? How can they do this? I'm ashamed of myself as a fellow human. These are the thoughts that hit me. And that time, I want to write a really dark story. Angsty and sad story. I want to write a story which would make readers cry and feel the sorrow. And that's how I came up with the second story. But before I could delve deeper into the story, I felt the dark emotions dissipating. I couldn't go on with the story. Another brick of wall. I wrote the next chapter but I found myself deleting and rewriting the chapter numerous of times. I just couldn't get the feel. It's not like things got better now. It stays the same. But I found myself feeling tired. Tired of everything. Feeling empty. Pissed off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to write but I couldn't write.

So, I decided to write a blog. To let out all my thoughts and feeling right now so that I can clear my head and continue with my stories. If you are reading this, I apologise if there are grammar mistakes or if you couldn't understand what I wrote because I'm not going to re-read and edit what I wrote here. It's kind of embarrassing. Perhaps I would delete later on. I don't know. Just.My fingers are itchyand I want to type. Since I can't type out the next chapter of my stories, I decided to type out my thoughts. And here I am.

So.. that's it. I would definitely continue my stories but it will take awhile.