An incident happened the other day that made me look down at myself and ask, "Why am I so unhappy with myself? Why can I love everyone and everything but me?"

I hear "you're beautiful" daily (thanks, Joo) but for some reason, I can't say that to myself. I hear "I love you daily" but for some reason, I can't say that to myself.

Why do I care so much?

Nobody notices your tears. Nobody notices your sadness. Nobody even tries to notice your pain. But everyone notices your mistakes. Which is why I changed myself so much to be perfect. Be so perfect that then people can notice my pain. 

I don't like talking about my problems. I always bring it up, but then close myself again, because showing weakness is...weak. I don't like to advertise my flaws.

As you can tell, I've put off publishing this, because I wasn't sure if I even wanted to.

Recently I've been struggling a lot. It's almost like I'm back to my highschool times, going days without sleep and food. Insomnia and anorexia were never a good combination, and paired with depression...yeah, not fun.

There is so much to change, and improve on. I'm never good enough, because there's so much I can change. Too skinny, but once I gain weight, too fat. My hair is too short, grow it out but then it's too long. 

Maybe I'm just a perfectionist. Maybe I'm kinda insane, and obsessed.

But it gives me control. When I can't control what's going on in my life, there are only a couple things I can do. Limit my sleep, limit my eating. Extend the time I'm working.

I almost out at work today. Maybe I should be worried about myself. But I've always been the type to take care of others before myself. How can I worry about myself when my friends are suffering too? My problems are insignificant compared to theirs.

I'm insignificant to them.

I struggle with myself because I'm constantly not happy. It's been years since I had a positive thought about myself. I'm drowning in hatred for myself. 

No, I'm not suicidal. I have reasons to not be, I'm living for something other than myself. But I'm just...tired.

I'm so tired. So, so, tired. I don't want to get up anymore. I'm tired of putting myself together with scotch-tape, and watching it fall apart again. Watching myself fall apart again.

I just want to give up.